My Husband Won't Stand Up To His Adult Son And Defend Me

by Julie
(NV)

My husband and I married about 2 1/2 years ago. At the time all our kids were living on their own. Feeling bad about his 26 year old's job situation, he offered to let him move to town and live with us until he got a job. Not knowing that he would still be here a year and a half later, I was OK with it.

At first, his son treated me OK but would have angry outbursts about other people etc. When we did have a disagreement, he would only say things when his dad wasn't around. The disagreements are getting more and more frequent because he is refusing to clean up or help around the house.

For the past two months he is refusing to clean his room and stays in his room whenever we are all home. The last time I had the cleaning people clean his room, he put a deadbolt and lock on his bedroom door and locks it. He has turned his anger on me through passive aggressive behavior.

I have asked my husband to help me with this problem but he refuses to stand up for me. He feels I am making him take sides. We had a big argument last night and he told me he is taking sides against me! I am loosing respect for my husband and fear that I will be blamed when his son finally moves out.

My husband expects me to shut up and put up with it. I am done with that! What do I do?

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Nov 07, 2015
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Husband Needs To Fix My Stepsons For The Sake Of Our Marriage
by: Annie

I have two stepsons, 19 & 22. Neither have a job or are looking for one. They lay around in bed all day and never pick anything up, never wash their dirty dishes. I ask my husband to say something to them, and he tells me he has and they won't listen to him.

They talk to him like a dog and he just takes it. That's not how I was raised and you couldn't dare my kids to do that. They work full time jobs.

He still calls his sons his babies and they have told me as long as Daddy has a home we got a home. They don't go out of the house ever. I'm afraid we will never be alone and be that happy couple I dreamed of.

Sep 09, 2014
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This Is A Marriage Issue
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello Julie, and thanks for telling your story here. Your feelings are totally understandable in this situation. Adult sons and daughters living at home when they are capable of being self supporting rarely ever works out well...especially if their behavior is like that of your step son.

Your husband is enabling his son, and he is failing to do his job to protect you, your marriage and the sanctity of your home. This is a marital issue. I strongly encourage you to get some marriage counseling to deal with this.

You're in a tough spot, because as step parent you cannot be the final authority in your step son's situation. I suggest that you take a hands off role with your step son, and focus on your marriage. Your husband needs to be supportive of you, and you can increase the likelihood of that by pulling back from trying to discipline his son.

There is nothing easy about your situation, Julie, but if you follow my recommendations I think you'll get better results. Tell your husband that you're concerned about your marriage, and do not even mention his son. Hopefully, the two of you can come to an understanding that his son needs to move out of your home as soon as possible.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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