Are We Too Damaged?

by B
(California)

My husband and I have been together for 12 years (married for 9 months). We were friends in high school and got together our senior year and have been inseparable ever since. We have an almost 5 year old daughter and I have been a stay at home mom since then; which has caused my husband to resent me because he pays all the bills while I stay at home and do “nothing”.

Our relationship has many issues including physical violence, trust issues, and infidelity (from my partner). There have been at least 7 times (I honestly stopped counting) he has pushed me to the ground, kicked me, or held me down and screamed in my face. All of those incidents were while he was drunk and once he was sober he would apologize. So I would blame his actions on his alcohol use (he continues to abuse alcohol till this day/denies he has a problem). He has even got a DUI a few years back but continues to drink and drive. He’ll crack open a beer at a red light and think it’s ok to drink and drive because he’s “not drunk yet.”

Just last month our neighbor called the cops while we were arguing and he was arrested for domestic battery (the first time I reported the abuse). My husband is very angry with me about him getting arrested and even says I am lying about the situation to ruin his life. He claims I don’t love him because “you don’t put people you love in jail” and I said to him “but you can HIT the people you love?”

He says he doesn’t think he can forgive me for what I’ve done and our relationship is too damaged. Also said he “can’t even stand to look at me.” Which has caused me to have extremes amount of guilt for telling law enforcement he pushed and kicked me. My husband has also cheated on me once (that I’m aware of) and I believe is addicted to lusting at other women online which has led me to have extreme insecurities about myself.

He also recently became extremely paranoid that I am being unfaithful and accusing me of having men over while he is at work or sleeping. Also even accusing me of sleeping with my brother-in-law because we were alone in the kitchen for 5 minutes (I was warming up pizza and BIL was washing dishes) but he claims we were in the kitchen “fu*king.”

His own family believes his accusations are absurd and has even stopped talking to us. Often times he will accuse me of looking at other men while we are running errands or out at restaurants claiming I want to have intercourse with them.

I must say my husband is not a perfect father, however, he has always treated our daughter with kindness and patience. Unfortunately she has witnessed some of his angry outbursts and is afraid of him (he claims I am brainwashing her to hate him). He also claims I am keeping his daughter from him to hurt him but I honestly don’t trust him alone with her. I’m afraid he might drink and drive with her or he may be passed out on the couch while she is under his care or if I let her go with him he might give her back to me.

Some family members are encouraging me to file for sole custody and child support but I am afraid to do anything to make him more mad. I packed mine and my daughter’s things while he was sleeping, but he woke up and got very angry I was leaving. He took my house key (so I’m not able to get the rest of my stuff) and wouldn’t let me take the car because he “pays for it.”

My daughter and I are currently living with my parents. However, I miss my husband dearly and keep hoping he will take accountability for his actions and quit drinking so we can have our family together. I am really afraid of getting a divorce as I have no job, no car, no money and honestly am afraid of having a “broken family.” I feel I have failed my daughter.

Sorry about the rambling but I guess my questions are: Will my husband change? Will this separation cause him to realize what he lost? Maybe him getting arrested and having to do any programs the court orders him to do will end the abuse? Is my daughter in danger (even though he has never hit her or yelled at her)? Could my husband have a personality disorder? Or are we just too damaged? Thank you for any advice.