My Husband Is Emotionally Abusing Me And Controlling All Of The Money

by Colleen
(California)

Dear Dr. DeFoore. My husband has physically abused me about a year ago. I have pictures of bruises and my children were witnesses to the violence.

I was sent to a counselor to deal with the physical trauma and emotional trauma. Sessions ended after 6 months due to the fact that my husband decides to contact the organization that was paying (my former employer) for it and started to mess with my reputation. Because already cards were stacked against me and so I was labelled a bad employee and my bosses started to get on me with rules and started to set strict rules upon me also. Which did not help with the trauma that I was already dealing with.


My counselor told me it was a "witch hunt" and that I should just try to find another job.

Well I was fired from that job and it was a big thing because I was in position of respect since I was a Children's Minister. There was a big uproar over this unexplained reasons for them to fire me and a big town hall like meeting that was held in private about me. People were enraged about it all. I was at home crying and dealing with the grief of losing my job.

3 months and I found another job, same like before at a church and working now for almost a year. But since finding this job he was supportive since we were running out of money. Then later after 3 months into this job he was his angry self again and started to ridicule me and make me feel like I was unable to do my job. Warning me if I don't do a good job at my job then I am a failure.

And now with this new job he does something different than before and that was to handle the finances. At first I was glad he was doing it since it was overwhelming for me to do that at this point of my life. But things got weird for me when I saw that I had no control over it and I have no idea as to where the money is going. My check (100%) goes to the rent, and I still need a little more from his check to make the rent every month. But his check goes to paying for utilities and daily living stuff.

Here is where I started to find things funny. For Christmas he got a big bonus and I got a small bonus. Both bonuses went to him and he deposited it into our joint account. But I did not see the transaction. When I asked him about it he told me I had used it for Christmas shopping.

I told him that's not true, we did not spend that much in Christmas and you only gave me 200 to use for Christmas and I went and used that for Christmas. He is hiding it somewhere.

Then I tried to find out where our money is because we seem to always be so short and it seem weird and impossible to me for this to be since all we have is utilities to pay and no other loans.

I don't even have medical insurance for myself since he keeps saying that we don't have the money. He won't keep more in the joint account than what is needed to get a few groceries and gas for car. I see the deposits and it don't match up to his full paycheck.

When I ask him to show me where his check is going he gives me an angry answer and doesn't show me. He has an account where he keeps his own and he won't show me.

I believe that because we are married I should have joint custody of the money he has in that account. I feel that he is emotionally abusing me with this and does not admit to it. I don't even have $10 to get myself a drink or even lunch during the week at times.

What do I do? Can I get a court order for him to show me that account or get a court to order that he allots me a % of his paycheck? I have some private school bills that will be coming up in March and I need to get them paid. Please help me.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Colleen, and thanks for telling your story here. It sounds to me like you're in a battered wife syndrome. Learn all about that, and follow the recommendations on that page.

You have to decide once and for all that you will be treated with respect in all of your relationships. If you don't make that decision, then you're deciding that a certain level of abuse is acceptable.

Learn more about how to deal with abusive relationships, and what you can do to help yourself.

To my knowledge, you cannot get a court order to get your husband to do or stop doing anything, unless is is illegal or in violation of an existing order. Financial abuse is a form of emotional abuse. Follow the recommendations I've made here, and I think it will help you.

Believe in yourself, Colleen. You are worthy of respect, and a good, happy life. Only you can provide that for yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore