My Husband Is At Rage Level And Won't Take Responsibility

by Luch
(Vancouver,bc)

Hi. I came across your site in search of how to deal or help my husband with an uncontrolled anger or get out of the situation.

I am a mother of 3 and been married for 16yrs. Since the start, I have noticed an anger problem with my spouse. I just thought it was normal. During early marriage, we came to a point of separating because of small issues that became big issues.


When we migrated, there were quite a few instances that proved of his anger problem. At one point, he hit me and forced me to call 911. He was put into jail for a night and was given a restricted order. Living without him for me is manageable but not with my kids.

I felt so devastated seeing my kids (at their early age) being affected. When he was scheduled to appear in court, I made a plea to the judge that I will not continue with the complaint and was willing to forgive and take him back again for the sake of my 3 children. The court has approved only on the condition that he will take an anger management course.

We seek help of a counselor but nothing has solved. He cannot accept that he is at fault. He went and finished his course and told me, I also need to take one.

I must admit it takes two to tango. There were times that when he was so angry, I also do get angry which makes it worse.

Last year, Halloween party, he was talking to our son and gave a fatherly advice but not on the tone that you will listen and not at the proper place. So I told him to stop and talk to his son when he gets home. There he started talking in a loud voice and I asked him to stop. But the more you ask him to stop, the more he will show his anger to a point that our friends noticed and asked him to calm down. I felt so embarrassed with our friends.

Another incident happened with the same group of friends when we went camping. Because it happened twice already, I told myself that's the end of it. So we were just talking civilly at home for a month. Waiting until he calms down and realize.

Then one day, he wrote something on the board asking me to make love. I was surprised. But because he was used to getting angry and after a while, for him it's over then we should be okay and we should be happy again. It was always like that. I thought, he will ask me to sit down and we'll sort things out but he was explaining things at the top of his voice. He was screaming and telling me to arrange for separation. I was talking to my kids then. It is so hard when you have kids.

The next morning, I thought he pacified already. I slept in my daughters' room and he was looking for something. He was throwing things, banging doors, punching things. I was scared so I decided to leave the house and stay with my in-laws without him knowing. But how can I get my kids?

I'm looking for free legal advice to guide me on what to do. I need guidance. I appreciate if you can help me in any way.

Thanks so much.

Luch


Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Luch, and thanks for telling your story here. I am not an attorney, so I cannot offer you any legal advice. However, I will offer you some resources to help you in understanding your relationship and managing your anger better.

First I recommend that you read the following page on relationships: letting go of a relationship.

You will find strong encouragement on these pages to focus on yourself and your children, and getting yourself healthy and in a safe, healthy environment. To help you with that, I recommend that you follow all of the guidelines on this FAQ page, which will guide you through several exercises for emotional healing and anger management.

Believe in yourself, Luch. You can create the life you choose for yourself and your children.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore