My Complicated Relationship

by FR
(Vancouver)

I have been in a relationship with a man who has been emotionally and physically abused in his past relationship and is sometimes physically (has been) but now is emotionally abusive to me. I just don't know what to do.

He is so loving, such a pillar for the community, he helps a lot of people and yet he has anger management issues and it hurts my feelings a lot. I love him but I hate this about him.


Even just tonight I was in a room and there is a certain part of the office he doesn't want me to go in, but I need to get something from there and he said ok but then suspiciously asked why I need to get it from there. And I said why are you so suspicious...it's me?

But he then got freaky, and freaked out at me and then he starts swearing and calling me names and then tells me to leave or leaves himself or hangs up.

Other things that are an issue is that we live separate. He is separated for 10 years with his wife (the abusive one) but for certain legalities is still married, and she very controlling so it adds a layer to our relationship because no one can know about us which makes our relationship more complicated.

And that's part of reason he gets so paranoid about things. But it's over-cautious to the point of controlling over little things--and even then it's ok, but he's getting angry and losing it on me verbally and then punishing through indifference...well I hate it!

Another issue is that he spends so much time at work, the only time I can see him a lot is if I am a part of his work. And he does not make an effort to see me. He feels I should know he loves me and when I feel something, he passes it off as drama or being crazy. It really makes me crazy.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello FR, and thanks for telling your story here. It is clear that you care about this man, or you would not be staying in the relationship and putting up with all of this pain. What you are describing here is a highly dysfunctional relationship, but it has to be your decision whether you stay in it or leave. I will provide you with some articles to read, that were written specifically for people in your situation.

Please read this article, and follow the recommendations you find there. If you do this, you will start to feel stronger, and it will be easier for you to make the right decision for yourself.

Here is the article:

how to deal with abusive relationships

Believe in yourself, FR. Make up your mind to create a good life for yourself, and don't let anything get in your way. You are worthy of kindness and respect in all of your relationships, but first you have to respect yourself enough to make healthy choices for your own well being.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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