My Anger Is Costing Me My Soul Mate

by Matt
(Portsmouth, England)

Hi, my name is Matt and I am 37. I am a loving, caring family man but my anger is costing me my relationship with the woman I love. We always had something special and have been through so much together.


We have had four children but unfortunately our first son died 6 years ago. Although my anger got worse afterwards, I think the reason I have a problem is due to seeing my dad when I was growing up, and being like him.

Every time my wife and I argue I have to win, and can say the most horrible things, which obviously I never mean but I know are hurtful. I also come across as very aggressive and she feels threatened.

After an argument last week she said, "enough is enough, and I can't go on like this." It is the first time she has opened up to me about the way she feels when I am like that and it has really hit home hard.

I am now the person who is scared as I do not want to lose her and I am full of guilt and remorse for making her feel so trapped.

Before now I have never been able to admit that I have an anger problem, but I do, and I need help with it. I know that should I be lucky enough to get another chance, I can never show any signs of anger towards anyone and I also don't want my children growing up seeing it like I did. I really need to stop this now!

Thank you in advance for any advice.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Matt, and thanks for telling your story here. Congratulations for your integrity in taking full responsibility for your anger, and your willingness to work on it. I will try to help with all of the issues you discussed.

First of all, I want to offer my sincerest condolences for your loss of your son. That type of loss is deeply painful, and the grieving process can be very challenging. You mentioned that your anger became worse after that tragedy, which is not surprising. Anger is a natural part of grieving, especially with the loss of a child. I strongly encourage you to follow the grieving processes described on this page. This is extremely important as a part of healing your anger and your relationship with your wife.

I also suggest that you learn to manage your anger more effectively with these tools.

Take this seriously, Matt, and do the exercises described. These methods work, if you use them consistently and with dedication.

Believe in the goodness of your heart.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore