Losing Control Of My Anger Then Feeling Even Worse About Myself

by Katie
(Napervile, Illinois)

I have lost my temper way too many times. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I am divorced and my ex-husband knows what buttons to push to upset me.

I worked for the same company for 14 years but was terminated in June. That job was a huge part of my life for so long that I feel lost and worthless now that I lost the job and the friends I had from there no longer have time for me. I feel like they only tolerated me because we worked together and now don't feel the need to pretend anymore.


I feel like an outsider in my family, like I never belonged. I love my daughter with my whole being but feel like I am not the best mother and that I expect her to be more grown up than she really is (she is only 7).

The person I have lost control of my temper with the most is an ex boyfriend. We have continued our friendship even though we aren't officially a couple and really are like best friends. We both take our stress out on each other verbally but he is much better able to control his anger.

He has forgiven me each time that I have gone too far but he is also running out of patience with my temper and the violence that stems from that anger. For as much as he hates my temper and loss of control, I hate it a million times more and after each incident, I then wallow in hatred of myself and my behavior.

I promise, "Never again" but the next time we get in an argument, I still lose control and don't realize it until it is too late. After the fact I think about what I could have done differently but in the heat of the argument, I simply act and react without even thinking. After the most extreme cases of losing my temper, I feel like I was a different person, not myself.

I feel like someone/thing else is in control of me and I don't know how to stop it.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Katie, and thanks for telling your story here. You sound like a good person, and you express yourself very well. I'm glad you reached out for help here.

You will find the exact process you need to understand, heal and manage your anger on this FAQ page. You say you feel like there is "someone/something" that takes over, and you will find an imagery exercise to deal with exactly that.

I want you to consider taking a break from contact with your ex boyfriend. Your relationship is temporarily toxic for you, and it may be doing you more harm than good.

Read all of this, Katie, and do the exercises recommended. What you need is here. If this does not give you what you're looking for, you may need counseling as well.

Believe in yourself, Katie, and the goodness in your heart that motivated you to tell your story here.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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