Is It Worth Hoping For Change In A New Relationship?

by Dani

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months almost on the dot and a few days ago there was a massive blow up on his end that was scary and something I had never seen from him. We were having a great night and out of the blue he became hostile and started jabbing at my insecurities when I tried to make a joke.

I told him I was hurt and he called me names and said I was over sensitive. I removed myself from the situation and it got more intense and weirder. He would throw insults at me from the other room and then came in and would kiss me and tell me how much he loved me. When I wouldn't reciprocate identically (I said I love you but not when you're like this) he slapped me hard.

I've never been hit by him. I yelled at him and told him that I was leaving. He then said to indulge him because he needed to teach me something. After rummaging in his closet for a while he came back with a ring, a broach and a revolver.

I was terrified and told him to put the gun away but he said I needed to learn. He had me put the ring on him and told me a story about it being his grandmother’s and how much it meant to him. Eventually he clarified that I needed to learn about guns and that I wasn't going home because I was going to go out with him and fire the gun in the backyard.

I kept begging with him to put it away and to let me go home but he wouldn't. After that we went to bed and in the morning I asked him if he remembered, and he said no and asked if we fought. I told him he hit me and took out a gun and he said "I'm sorry for all that," and when I pushed farther he said "look I already said I'm sorry".

I met with him the next day to discuss what happened. He seemed mortified and didn't remember any of it. He said in the morning he was still drunk and didn't really process what I said, and that no one deserves to be treated the way I was. The guy was close to tears and said what hurts him most is he ruined a good thing.

He said he doesn't think I'll ever be able to trust him again. I think he has insecurity about control and power because each time I rejected his attempts to get me show him love or to control me he escalated things. Which is why he would kiss me then hurt me. I told him we need a month apart, the gun needs to go, and he needs to seek therapy for something that is clearly a deep seated issue within himself.

He agreed completely and said whether I stay or go, he will seek counseling. My question now that I've had more time to my own thoughts is whether this is worth it. The blow up made me take stock of his treatment of me before this happened.

There were small flare ups of manipulative behavior and control on his end but nothing like this. He also seems very willing to change and I love him. But will me staying endanger any of his change? Will it endanger me? And is a 5 month relationship really worth this risk?

I love the guy and the relationship has been more real than any I've had, but anyone I ask has said run and logically my mind says to leave. My heart just doesn't want to, and the fact that he was so affected when I told him and that he was so receptive to help makes me want to try.

How will I know what to look for if I stay and how will I be assured something like this never happens again?