I Love One Man And Hate The Other

by Anonymous

I have been married for ten years. I had two children, and he had one from previous relationships, and we have one child together.

There were a few small arguments in the beginning, but it has turned from those small arguments to huge ones. So huge we have both been to jail for assault and have even dealt with DSS for our children.

None of our children have ever been abused but they see us and hear us. The huge fights were not in front of them but they know Mommy and Daddy have both been to jail due to our arguments. Only one time in jail each, and it was enough for me to change. I don't argue back anymore and I don't try to defend myself any longer.

I have been talked down to, cussed, hit, thrown...you name it I've been there. My husband gets upset if I run out of tea all the way to not wanting to have sex. I have been slung out of bed because I went to bed early and woke up at 3 am just because he wants to have sex. This is the man I hate and he comes out more than I would like.

I am also married to a man that is the best daddy...he plays with the kids like he is a big kid himself. I can talk to him about anything. He prays with me, he holds me, he provides for me, and he loves me like no other. And I love this man more than anything...we have a wonderful life together.

My problem is it's the same man! Two different sides…and I have begun to walk on eggshells afraid of when and what will make the evil one appear. Just this past Sunday we went to decorate ornaments with a group of friends and had a wonderful time.

On the way home he snapped and pulled off the road to not only cuss me but to sling me around the parking lot and then proceeded to throw me back into his truck and I hit my head really hard. A bystander called 911 and the next thing I knew, a cop was pulling him off of me.

He went to jail and was released yesterday. I have a hundred people telling me to leave and a hundred reasons I should. But my heart says to forgive and I can't stop loving this good man I married. I know I can't fix him but he needs help and I don't know how. I have tried and asked him to see a doctor but he thinks he doesn't have an issue.

Right now I can't even see him due to bond conditions nor talk to him and yes, he hurt me, but I miss him terribly. I am torn because I hate one side of him but love the other one.

Heal The Split In Yourself

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Dec 20, 2016
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To the author of "But What If He Can Change?"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Yes, there are happy endings. Yes, people can get help and change. The reason that you’re getting so much advice to protect yourself from this man is that these situations usually get much worse before they get better. And the risk to you is too great.

If he does get help and get better, it will take a certain type of therapy, and it will take a long time for him to truly break the pattern. I know, because I’ve helped people like him. And usually the abused victim (that’s you) has to leave the relationship before the person will truly get the help.

You are the decision maker. No one can force you to leave. I trust that you will make the best decision for yourself in your situation.

Dec 19, 2016
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But What If He Can Change?
by: Anonymous

But what if I don't want to leave? What if I know he is better than this and just has issues that he needs help with? What if I want to help him?

I know I can't on my own accord, believe me I have tried. And although I feel my love should be enough for him to change, for some reason it's not. He has finally acknowledged something is wrong and he is afraid. Afraid of what is going on inside.

I don't want him to be a zombie on drugs to mask the underlying issues, but I really don't know how to help him. I know he would never intentionally hurt me, but when this evil one comes out, I do believe I could be hurt on accident. Being slung too hard or hit an object too hard.

I have been reading lots of different things and I keep hearing get out and get help. I really understand that, but is there never happy endings? I want to know that he can get help and really change.

Dec 18, 2016
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Get Out! It Will Never Change!
by: Anonymous

I was involved with a man like this for over ten years (but he wasn't physically abusive, mainly emotional abuse.)

I found out four years ago that he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which explains his split personality and he is also a Narcissist.

He had told me many years ago that he was bi-polar, too.

I think the behavior you described sounds like a person who is severely mentally ill. He needs help and so do you.

Even though you have kids - get out. You and your husband are modeling what a toxic relationship is like and your kids will take on your traits.

I finally broke it off with him two months ago and am staying strong! It's tough but I just turned 60 and don't need that it my life.

Good luck - I feel your pain but there is a better way.

Dec 15, 2016
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Your Choice Is Clear
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. Your correct action is very clear...you need to leave this relationship. But you can't get yourself to do it. That means you need to take a look at yourself.

Ask yourself if you're the kind of person who would expose children to the kind of abuse and violence they have seen and will continue to see/hear if you and your husband get back together.

Use this opportunity to get some counseling for yourself. You are most definitely in a battered wife syndrome, and you need counseling so that you can get yourself on a healthy track and protect your children.

Make the right choice for yourself and your family. Make it safe for you and all concerned.

You can do this. Make it happen.

My best, Dr. DeFoore

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