I Get Angry When I Feel I Am Being Taken Advantage Of

by Nick
(Canada)

Well, when I was a teenager I frequently got angry with my parents but I guess this went away when I moved out. I should mention that I have never ever been in a physical conflict with anyone but I have had many arguments.

I get angry in a few situations. If I tell someone something a few times and they don't understand it, I get frustrated and angry. For example, as I was writing this very note, my wife kept talking to me. I had to tell her to stop talking 5 times before she finally stopped. I almost got angry and she said: "See, this is why I think you need help".


She may be right. Another situation that makes me angry is when I feel people are taking advantage of my loved ones and they cannot defend themselves. Once when my aunt did something unfair (in my opinion) to my mother. I called her and started yelling at her, no swearing or anything but I made it clear that I was unhappy with what she had done.

My wife thought I needed help with my anger when she saw this. People tell me that I am too blunt. I admit this one. If I don't like something or when I find something wrong I just say it bluntly (normally NOT in a disrespectful manner but for some reason that I don't understand people don't like it). My most important problem is that sometimes I get into terrible arguments with my wife. I do love her very much but I can't help arguing with her.

The problem is that neither of us can let go. The argument starts from something simple but before you know it, our families, our past and everything else get dragged in. When we talk to her mother about our problem, even if she thinks it was initially my wife's fault, she says "Oh, you are a guy, you are not expected to behave like this. You should be more patient".

My wife is 29 but her mother seems to think she is 12 and I should behave like her father. This makes me even more frustrated. By the way, I am 31 and am an Engineer. I have an ENTJ personality type if it helps. I know I have a problem and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make things better. I don't think it is always my fault though. I hate pills and rarely take medicine so I'd like to start with some techniques first. If it doesn't work then I will consider medication. I would appreciate your help very much. Regards,

Nick



Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hi Nick, and thanks for telling your story here. You are apparently an intelligent man, who wants to manage his anger. It is good that you want to do what it takes. I think if you do what I recommend, you will get some good results and may not need medication.

Your anger is there for a reason, but you may not know what all of those reasons are. Let's see if you can find out.

Start by doing the journaling exercises on this page, to review any past trauma that might have occurred. This will show you the pain underlying your anger.

Also do the anger journaling described on that same page. This will help you "get it out" so that it doesn't build up inside so much.

It will also help you a lot to do the positive journaling which is the third process described in the link above. This will help you to help you shift your mental focus from what is wrong to what is right in your life.

Take a look at these imagery processes for emotional healing, and see if it feels right to apply those techniques to any of your past trauma experiences.

You can do this, Nick. These are powerful tools, and if you use them all, they might just give you what you're looking for.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore