I Feel Angry Because I Feel Disrespected

by RAA
(East Coast USA)

I am so angry today because my boyfriend did not come home last night, and did not call. We live together. He works until around 2am and he said he got cold waiting for a bus and went inside and fell asleep. It wasn't until 9am when I called him that I found out where he was. I find this behaviour to be unacceptable and irresponsible.

I believe he does not have a mature awareness of how to behave in a relationship. I told him I feel disrespected that he didn't tell me he wasn't coming home. He said he was asleep. I thought he was coming home this morning, but two hours later he has not shown up. I called him again and he said he is staying at work to rest because he is exhausted.


I am further frustrated and furious because he did not tell me he was not coming home again!! He says I am brow beating him and that he cannot win the argument. I say.."this is not about winning or losing, it's about how I want to be treated". I tell him the things that make me happy and the things that make me sad. He knows this is something that makes me sad, so I believe it is cruel for him to behave like this, on top of which I do not believe him to be apologetic or remorseful.

When he "apologizes" it never sounds sincere or authentic. He sounds patronizing. When I complain he just says OK and will not offer any kind of --I'll make it up to you --suggestion. And certainly does not make it up to me.

My boyfriend moved in with me two years ago. It was somewhat premature because he was being evicted and we had been seeing each other for about four months, and I thought he would make a nice companion. I am 15 years older than him, in my early 60s. He is black and I am white. Although I have asked and he has agreed, he has been "unable" to contribute financially to our living expenses and I go without gifts on special occasions - no dates or dining -- we might occasionally go for a walk, or if I pay, we'll do something in the realm of a date -- but a date at home is OK watching a rented movie, cooking food I bought, etc.

He often cleans up, but usually only when I ask. He used to do laundry, but he seems to have stopped doing mine, and only does his. He is trying to get an art career in film off the ground and he does work part time but it's not enough money after he pays his personal expenses (cell phone, fares and visits to his son) to even contribute $5 towards anything for me, or the house. This has been an ongoing frustration for me and I feel he should help out more without me having to ask him. I have made lists of things but they usually remain undone.

We do not even spend much time together because he works at night and I work the days he is off. I do get free travel on an international airline, which makes up for a lot of it, but I mostly travel on my own. The travel perk and occasional nice sex keeps us together as far as I'm concerned - and I do have a belief that I will not find another man who is as cute as he is.
He has no savings, and I believe he is financially irresponsible. I don't think he has credit card debt, but he does owe IRS a few thousand dollars. He has not paid taxes in years, he has a son 9 years old who he sees once a week, but he barely has $5 to do anything with him. I do not get to share in the joy of his son.

If I "threaten" him (as he calls it) with "you will have to go" if you don't behave, he accuses me of being abusive. He rarely tells me he loves me, and does not show any gratitude for me taking him in. I tell him he is supposed to chip in towards rent and expenses and I have kept an accounting, but he does not contribute, nor show any kind of appreciation. After mentioning it several times, he actually brought home some fruit. Wow! Usually he will bring home something for himself that is not shareable, or he doesn't offer it to share (potato chips are his favorite). I used to buy him things but now, for about six months, I have pretty much stopped.

We do have some nice times, but when this garbage happens I get more and more angry each time. Can you offer any steps I can take when things like this happen again? When he comes home tomorrow, do you have some suggestions of what ground I should cover with him?

If I ask him to leave (which I really don't want to), I will never get back the $5000 he owes me, which also is nagging at me. I have a very limited income and I have not been able to save anything since he moved in with me.

Do you have any suggestions about how to make this work? Yes, I know he will not change, but surely there are things that can make this better!

Thank you.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. It is easy to see why all of this would make you so angry. I think anyone in your position would feel like you do, or similar.

This is my opinion, and that's all it is. I don't have any answers for you, you have to figure those out for yourself. So take what I say, keep what is useful, and forget about the rest.

You ask if there is any way to make this better. My answer is yes, you can make it better, then it will get worse, then you can make it better, and it will get worse. And most likely it will keep getting worse until one of you has had enough.

The reason I say this is that it appears that you have a parent-child relationship with your boyfriend, and that's not just because of the age difference. Almost everything you say about him sounds like an angry parent talking about her son who keeps misbehaving. When this type of dynamic is active in a relationship, it's pretty hard to turn it around--if not impossible.

You need to be with a peer, not someone you "took in." You will not be happy until you are with someone who carries his own weight, and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is going to do that. Balance is key to a successful relationship, and yours is way out of balance.

If you want to be happy, then I strongly encourage you to consider ending this relationship. If you want to make things better with him, you can probably do that for a while, or maybe a long while. Ask yourself what you want...what you really want in a relationship, and don't include him in your answer. Then see if he fits with what you want. Take a look at these quotes on relationships and see if there is anything useful to you there.

I wish you great happiness in all of your relationships.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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