Hurting The One I Love

by Tara
(California)

Hello,

I keep on hurting my boyfriend with how angry I get and he has almost left me because of it. He says that he doesn't have expectations that I will never get angry, but that my "explosive and selfish" anger hurt him. He says he is not equipped to deal with my anger and that if I don't do something to change it then he doesn't think we can work out.


My boyfriend does take the time to talk to me rationally. Though he is not perfect, he doesn't do the things I do to him. I yell at him, call him names, drag the fight out for hours, and often push him away. I agree that often the triggers to my responses don't deserve how angry I get (for example, if he doesn't call me back within a time frame I expect). Additionally, in my past relationships, there have been outbursts of anger.

My family life was full of drug abuse and violence. Often, my parents were in jail, absent, or fighting with each other. There was a lot of physical violence between my parents and even with my sister and I.

I don't want to just blame my parents; I love them and have done a lot in my life to live in a healthy manner, but I don't want to keep hurting the men in my life. I want to be a good mother to my future children and have a happy and constructive life.

I know it's not wrong to get angry. However, I want to learn to express my anger in a constructive and safe way before I destroy my current and future relationships.





Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Tara, and thanks for telling your story here. You express yourself clearly, and I sense a strong motivation in you to change and heal.

I firmly believe that if you follow the guidelines I'm going to recommend, you will see improvement. These are not easy tools to use, but if you use them consistently, you will get results.

Start with the three journaling processes you will find described on this page. This will help you review your past trauma, begin bringing your anger into more conscious control, and then you will begin shifting your focus to the good things in you and the world around you.

When you feel you have written in detail about your past trauma, use these imagery processes for emotional healing to bring about resolution.

You are a good person, Tara, and you have a good heart. Focus on that goodness in yourself, and then start focusing on the goodness in the men in your life.

You can do this, Tara. Believe in yourself, and never give up.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore