Can't Walk Away

by Chris
(Palm Bay, FL)

I have recently started to try to better control my anger so that I can be a better husband and father. I have had some anger management help in the past but I just don't think that it helped enough.

I've continued to try to use the steps that were recommended, such as counting to ten or asking for space or to be left alone. It's just that when the tools I have don't work.

I just can't seem to make myself walk away from the argument or for that matter, keep from exploding and causing things to escalate to the next level. So I was wondering what I should do to help, or if you have any tricks for cooling off quickly.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hi Chris, and thanks for asking for help here. You are apparently a good man, who wants to do the right thing. That's why the anger bothers you. It is great that you want help so that you don't "explode" any more.

I respect the way you're taking responsibility for your actions, wanting to be a better husband and father. You have tremendous ability to change your situation, and I will help you do that.

Here are the best anger management techniques I know of for "cooling off quickly." Practice these regularly, over and over, until you have mastered each of them.


Just cooling down is not enough. You need to get to the cause of your problems, where you can achieve lasting change you're looking for.

For deeper, more lasting change, use the journaling processes on this page. When you write about these experiences, it will help you sort out the emotions, and it will (ideally) undo the wiring behind your buttons--meaning, you will get less angry, and be able to choose more constructive responses when you've "had enough." Then go on with the next exercise on that page about "Getting Your Anger Out On Paper."

If you scroll down on that same page, you will find the heading, "Goodfinding: The Practice of Gratitude, Appreciation and Optimism." Practice those journaling techniques specifically regarding your wife and children and yourself.

Do not give up on yourself, Chris. Believe in yourself, and believe in your wife and your children.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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