Boyfriend's Adult Son Smoking Pot In Our Home And Becoming Violent Toward Me

by Barbara
(Discovery Bay, CA)

I have been living with my boyfriend and his 23 year old son for the past year and a half and we have plans on getting married. My boyfriend has been divorced for many years and has had previous relationships. So, I don't think this is a jealousy issue.

His son is addicted to marijuana. He smokes from the time he gets up to when he goes to bed. He does not work, gets unemployment, doesn't pay rent nor does he help out around the house. He spends his days and nights smoking pot and playing video games.


His son knows he is not allowed to smoke pot in the house, but does when his dad is at work. I keep asking him to stop but he just gets mad and yells at me. Yesterday it escalated. I again asked him not to smoke in the house and he charged toward me and grabbed my upper arms and shook me.

He was so mad he was shaking and his eyes looked evil. He scared me very much. I told his dad what happened and he was upset at him but he isn't stepping in to talk to him. It seems he is scared of his son's emotional state. He is worried his son might be emotionally unstable. Meanwhile, I am at home alone with his son all day and am scared to death of what he is going to do next.

His son has also recently begun moving my things out of sight. Example; I have a mantle clock in the living room on the entertainment center and he keeps hiding it behind the vases. My pictures get taken down and Christmas decorations get moved out of his sight.

What can I do to stop his son from behaving like this toward me? How can I get his son the help he needs if he doesn't want it? Does his issues sound like emotional or drug related issues? And, how can I protect myself from him?



Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Barbara, and thanks for telling your story here. The best thing that could happen here is for your boyfriend to step up and take charge. It's his job as the biological father to be responsible for your safety, and to protect you from the aggressive behavior of your son.

I cannot overemphasize this, Barbara. If your boyfriend does not support you, his son will probably think he can do whatever he wants to you, with no consequence. This is not acceptable, and you need to tell your boyfriend that. Your boyfriend's passivity is the greatest threat to you at this point, because that is what is fueling the destructive behavior of his son.

Regarding the 23 year old young man living in your home, smoking pot and being aggressive with you, I do understand your concerns. I would say that from what you've written here, he has both emotional problems and drug problems. However, he's 23 years old, and you simply cannot afford to coddle him any longer, regardless of what his problems may be. He needs to face the hard reality of the choices he's making, and face the consequences. He needs to be out of the house, on his own, no matter what. Currently, his dad is supporting his drug habit by providing him room and board.

If you can't get your boyfriend's support--action, not words--then I strongly suggest that you call the police and report the young man's pot use. Get him arrested, and press charges. This seems the only way for you to protect yourself in the absence of your boyfriend's support.

Feel free to share this with your boyfriend. I'm sure he is a good person, and hopefully will stand by you on this. Neither of you can afford to have someone in your home that you're afraid of. The young man is literally holding both of you hostage to his anger.

Take care of yourself, Barbara. This young man's behavior should not be your problem. Take the necessary action to insure your personal safety. If your boyfriend won't step up and protect you, you have to protect yourself.

You are worthy of being treated with respect in your own home.

Keep reading on this page, for some recommended reading about tough love and healthy relationships.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

How Do You Let Go Of Grown Kids Smoking Pot At Home?

by Anonymous

I have a soon to be 19yr old son who is doing nothing with his life. He just sits around getting high everyday with his friends.

I got him his own apartment due to the fact we could no longer live together so I got him an efficiency, only to see he has friends over getting high playing video games just being lazy, but always looks to me to keep handing him money.


I finally had enough. The house is a complete wreck, he doesn't clean up, doesn't work nor go to school. His excuse is because he doesn't have a car.

So I told him I had enough. I'm trying to ignore his calls and text messages. Why continue to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves? He graduated in 2011, and he's just doing plain NOTHING!




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. It's good that you've had enough. That's exactly what needs to happen.

It's time to stop helping your son in any way, shape or fashion. He needs to turn his own life around and get responsible, and it's clear that your efforts to help and support him have not made that happen. Now it's up to him.

You've gotten to a point in your relationship where helping him is actually harming him. He's been using you to support his unhealthy lifestyle, and it's important that you offer no support at all for that.

As hard as it may be, I suggest that you cut off communication with him for a while, and stop supporting him financially. You might tell him something like, "Contact me when you have a job and you're supporting yourself." You also will need to give him a date by which there will be no further rent money or financial support at all.

You can do this. I know it's difficult, but it is absolutely necessary at this point. Meanwhile, try to believe the best of your son. In your mind, as you think of him, picture him getting his life on track and making good choices. If you pray, then pray for him as well.

Also, take very good care of yourself, and create a good life for yourself.

You will find the following pages to be helpful:

tough love
quotes on relationships

I hope this is helpful to you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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