A Never Ending Race Of Trying To Free Myself

by Ashish
(Kolkata)

It was my first year in college. I was in a relationship with a girl called Karen. At first it was good. Then a little bit of negativity was taking place within us.

Day after day, we used to quarrel. I will not lie, most of the time I was solely responsible. But I wasn't that matured then. I felt lonely and started chatting with another girl, named Christina. She at first seemed good to me. I used to chat with both of them.

At that time, it seems to me I was right. But life was becoming more and more complex. Christina was not a bad person. But she was egoistic, rude, and jealous. For this, I was having fight with Christina also. She seems so complicated to me. Sometimes the fault was mine. Other times, I wasn't even aware of what I did wrong.

I felt like I was interrogated for the very little mistakes I did. Such as, late replies and hanging out with my family and relatives. She was acting like I was her boyfriend, even though she knew about my current relationships.

I was in burnout because I was having fights with both of them almost every day. I was angry, I was crying, I was breaking my phones, hitting my head after quarreling.

And I needed to chat with both of them all day long, otherwise they became mad at me. I was lost. I was depressed and felt very anxious every single minute of my day. The major issues were with Christina.

It always felt like I need to reply to her, or else she will scream at me. I can't take a nap, or else she will be mad at me. I can't do my own things, I need to chat with her. Otherwise she will shout at me.

These things began to eat my mind and soul. I was frustrated and depressed. I tried to cut Christina out. But somehow she manipulated me to chat with her.

Then I started reading self-help books. I broke up with Karen because I thought she was the problem. I tried to make a good and healthy friendship with Christina because she was my classmate.

I thought my life was changed. But actually it’s not. Now I have big dreams, but I often become frustrated and depressed. But often times I feel the pain of those times. I don't feel the freedom even now. I can't even think, act or do something of my own. Christina stays with me all the time. She becomes upset with even the very silliest things. That I can’t take anymore.
Two years before, I needed the freedom to live my life on my own terms. Today, I still feel I don't have any freedom. It feels so frustrating. I feel anxious every single moment I am with her.
I know, I should leave her and not spend time with her. But she shouts at me, or screams at me, whenever I don't give time to her. I don't know what to do. It feels I am in a never ending race of freeing myself. But I never felt free.

I feel suffocated and don't know what I should do. I just want to live a life where I will have the full freedom to live my life on my own terms. I can't even take a nap, I just feel frightened whether she will be mad at me or not.

By the way, she likes me. I don't hate her. But I need the freedom. Whenever she tries to control or manipulate me, I become furious and shout at her. I sometimes hit my head and punch in the world.

I need to solve my problem. I set goals that I would live my life on my own terms but can't even live up to that. I have been setting this same goal for over 3 years now. But in vain...

What should I do?