30 Years Of Verbal Abuse From My Husband

by Gill
(UK)

I have been married for 25 years and together for nearly 30 years, and unfortunately my husband has been verbally abusive throughout our relationship. He gets angry and violent, luckily not to me, but he scares me and throws things which normally causes damage to the house.

He calls me awful names--cxxt is the latest word for now--and swears and shouts at me and the next day acts as if I am the one that has done him wrong and sleeps in the spare room and hardly speaks to me for a couple of weeks after the episode.


I love him very much and he is a very kind considerate man but I just cannot understand why he gets like this! I thought that maybe it was drink but he has been the same with or without alcohol, he gets very easily upset and I need to be very careful as to what I say in conversations.



Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Gill, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time in your marriage. Regardless of what is or is not going on with your husband, you are worthy of respect and kindness in all of your relationships, especially your marriage.

I encourage you not to rule out alcoholism as a possible factor. Read about the warning signs of alcoholism on this page about alcohol abuse. If you decide that he may be or is an alcoholic, I encourage you to attend a local ALANON meeting to get input from others who have been through similar circumstances.

I also encourage you to read about how to deal with abusive relationships, to make sure you're taking positive action that is in your best interest. Right now, and as long as this is going on, you need to place your own emotional and psychological health above your love for him. He may actually love you, but as long as he is also abusive, this is not a loving or safe relationship for you.

I know this is hard, and you have to be the one to make any decisions you make. I hope what I've offered here will help you to make the best decision for your own safety and well being. One thought to consider is that you will not know the extent of the damage this has done to you until it stops or the relationship ends. You will have to feel safe for a period of time before you will have the strength to look inside and assess your emotional wounds from the years of verbal and emotional abuse.

Be compassionate with your good and wounded heart, Gill. You're the only person who can take care of you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore