Verbally Abusive And Feel Out Of Control

by John
(CA)

I feel like I have no control of my anger when someone says something I don't like. For example, my ex said that I have not changed and I get spiteful. I know I have been changing and reading the bible.


I just have an issue because when she texts me for something, I respond right away. She either doesn't respond or takes like 12 hours to reply back to mine. I almost feel like she does it on purpose.

In any case, I'm a man in my 30's and I really need to get control of this. I verbally called her so many names that I just feel so ashamed of myself. I made fun of her physical appearance flaws. I said that she would just end up looking like her fat mom. A whole bunch of things.

I blamed her for miscarriage. Just total immature stuff that I feel like an idiot for. I really need to find a way to control my anger and verbal abuse. I don't want to bring this into my next relationship. I feel like when someone attacks me or says something I don't like, I flip and start verbally calling them names.

Don't get me wrong this woman was manipulating and bipolar in my opinion but still that makes no excuse for my actions. I really need to get help. Is this genetic or can it be cured?

It's almost like now I know how I should have responded but at that time I feel like I have no control and lose all focus of what bible says to do in times like this and so on. How do I cure myself?





Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello John, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm glad you're taking responsibility for your actions, and for this pattern of verbal abuse. That is the first step to change, but only the first step. I'll try to help.

It's good that you want to work on yourself before you begin another relationship. If you enter a new relationship without some serious work on your anger and pattern of verbal abusiveness, you will most likely repeat the pattern.

I suggest that you start by doing all of the exercises on this FAQ page, to understand and begin healing your anger. Then read this page on how to heal as a verbal abuser.

Take this work seriously, John, and you will reach your goals. If you feel you need more help than this, you might want to consider professional counseling.

One way or the other, do not ever give up on yourself. Make up your mind to be the good, respectful and decent person you are and choose to be.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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