To Stay With Him Or To Re-Build My Life

by C
(London)

Hi all, I have been with my partner on and off for nearly three years now. He is 25 and I am 23. When we first met, we clicked. However, He used to sell drugs, take drugs and was very emotionally abusive to me (after a couple months in).

We always managed to get through our problems. We always tried to make it up and let it go. He suffers with an addiction to weed, anger and money. I suffer with severe insecurities, paranoia and lack of trust. We have both smoked on and off in our relationship, which I know does not help at all. We have both made wonderful memories and had lovely times together.

We have split up 4 times (being 3 months apart each time) and we always end up back together. Most recently, end of January, we rented a new flat together owned by his parents. We were excited. It was a fresh start. We paid half of everything in the flat. We done it up so it felt like home.

Only two days ago, we had an argument (I was being paranoid again and questioning him) which sparked outrage in him. He wanted me out of the flat (which I did not want to leave as it was my home and I wanted to sort out the argument).

He then went out for a few hours and got drunk. He came back, we were then arguing again and he was saying awful things to me. He then strangled me, dragged me off the sofa, over the coffee table, dragged me across the floor and spat in my face.

When I got up to get my things and call my Mum to pick me up, I asked to have a cigarette but he then wanted me to leave straight away and got a knife out the drawer. He then threw the knife somewhere and strangled me again in the kitchen.

I then grabbed what I could and left and went back home to my mums. This is by far the worst thing we have gone through and yet, I still love him. I still feel bad for my actions and only wish things were different.

He also has a son that I cannot seem to accept and I know that it is not the child’s fault. The child’s bio mother is horrible. She tries her hardest to make our life hell and the child is a constant reminder to me of her and their precious relationship together. He insists he hates her.

I basically have a hang up with this child and cannot bear to be in the same room as him as I feel he is just like his mother. This sickens to me to think I am being unaccepting. He wants me to be a part of his child’s life but I am so hurt by the mother that it is a huge barrier in our relationship.

His friends are also a problem. He gave his drug phone to his friend so that he can still make money without having to touch the drugs. I disagree altogether and believe he should not be involved. He is desperate for money.

Most of his friends still take drugs and are not good influences but again, they are his friends and I deal with this. I am paranoid all the time. Every time his phone rings or a text tone goes off, I am nervous. I ask who it is. He hates this and I hate it too.

I feel as though he is always secretive with me and he always says he has done nothing wrong. I am deeply insecure and have no confidence at all. No matter what he says, I am always scared he will run off with someone else or go back to his ex (bio mother of his child). I cannot seem to believe anything he says and always think he is lying.

I know I have my own issues and hang ups which desperately need sorting. The day after the attack, we agreed that I would collect all my belongings and hand back the keys (for the flat). This has now been completed.

He begged me not to leave but I felt/still feel a lot of pressure from friends and family to not go back although I still want to be with him and make it work.

I am worried about this. I wonder if he makes the changes, and I can’t…or if I change and he can’t. We are both a mess. We both want to be together but we hurt each other in different ways.

There are so many problems in our relationship that are not going away (e.g child is one of them), he is not a problem as such but the mother is. I have not spoken to him since I collected my stuff yesterday.

Can we fix this?