Time To Stop The Cycle

by Natasha
(New Zealand)

I just left an abusive relationship. He has a drinking problem as well. When he drinks his abusiveness gets worse.

He’ll change just after a couple. I’ve tried to tell him how it affects myself and our 15 yr old son but he's adamant he doesn't have a problem. He blames it on me and thinks I'm difficult to live with and I'm trying to change him.


We tried counseling but in the end he went twice to the alcohol one. It's called CADs in New Zealand. But he did it only because I wanted him to leave. He thinks he's fine.

Couples counseling didn't help because abusive people don't want to meet in the middle--just control and make you wrong. I am getting counseling and have learned I'm following my mum and dad's pattern of enabling an alcoholic.

My ex could be my dad's son, they are so alike. My ex's mum was an alcoholic too. I'm just tired of it all. I'm glad I'm out of it now. I just don't feel free yet.

I still have to put up with abuse when dealing with our son. I feel like I'm still in it sometimes. I'm trying to separate the person from the addiction.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Natasha, and thanks for telling your story here. I want to congratulate you for getting out of this abusive relationship. That takes a lot of courage, and many people reading your story will benefit by the example you have set.

I also respect and admire your willingness to look at your own personal history, and how your relationship was a reflection of your past relationships. This is excellent insight, and will serve you well as you move forward to a life of healthier relationships.

Now, for that feeling of freedom you want...that is easier said than done, in your circumstances, but certainly not out of your reach. Your task is to make all interactions with your son’s father purely practical and focused on the necessary arrangements for your son. I know that is not simple by any means. But it will really help you to always keep your focus on the welfare of your son, and not allow yourself to be drawn into conflict with his father.

This is a kind of spiritual challenge for you, if you choose to see it that way. Your freedom is yours and yours alone, and no one can take it from you. Use the steps describe on this page entitled letting go of a relationship. Letting go is all about connecting with the goodness and value of yourself, Natasha. Holding onto another ends when you make a strong commitment to holding on to your own heart as your most important priority.

You can do this. You can be free...and a part of you already is. Tune into the freedom inside you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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