Over It

by Anonymous

I've been married 18 years to someone 12 years older than me. He was such a charmer at first, it was hard to be away from him.

He changed when I moved in with him, but I was young and ignored it. Over the years I've had sex when I don't want to, because I'm the only person he is supposed to get it from. His sexual entitlement is beyond my understanding and to avoid fights I've given in, to my own detriment.

My codependent tendencies are no help here. So now that I'm 43 and want respect, all hell has broken loose. I can't even drink enough to be interested in sex with him.

He thinks I don't like sex in general and make the connection between how he treats me and my reaction to his treatment. If I “behave,” his conditional love is abundant. It was starting to make me doubt whether this icky feeling of disrespect was justified.

I have to leave home and surround myself with non-toxic people to realize I am not crazy. I wouldn't accept this treatment from friends, why have I accepted from him? He is successful and his narcissism has grown with his success.

This has outgrown my coping skills and before I become the person I don't want to be, I need to work on myself. Where do I start and how do I start in this toxic environment?

Begin Your Healing Here

He's started to snore and instead of trying to get to the bottom of it, he's mad at me. He's told me his love is purely conditional, if I give him sex, he'll be nice. I must be out of my mind.

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Sep 08, 2017
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Your Thinking Is Good
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. You have some good thought processes going on here.

1) You are aware that your marriage is a toxic environment, and you only feel like yourself when you're with non-toxic friends.

2) You are aware that his love for you is completely conditional.

So, you've established for yourself that your marriage is toxic. If you found that the food in a particular restaurant was toxic, would you keep going to that restaurant? Why stay in a toxic relationship of any kind? Only you can answer that for yourself.

The only real love is unconditional. If love is conditional, it is not love...it's control and manipulation. You are violating yourself any time you have sex with your husband when you don't really want to.

Ultimately, you cannot heal in a toxic environment...you just figure out how to survive, and you most likely will decline over time.

So, your healing can start any time, but it just will not continue as long as you stay in a toxic relationship.

I hope this helps you. Believe in yourself, and make up your mind that you are worthy of kindness and respect, all of the time, no matter what.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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