My Son Is Abusive To Me Even Though I Support Him Financially

by Anonymous
(CA)

I feel like I have been verbally and emotionally abused by my son since he was teen. Now he is 28 but I still tip toe around him to not get him angry.

Everything I do is wrong. I repeat too much, I say anything about my grandson (4 years old), I am controlling.


My son did have difficulty when he was growing up. His father was massed up, too religious, but I have been divorced over 10 years. I am currently helping my son financially while he is going to school. Often when I visit him I end up crying and feeling very bad and start to believe that I have done something wrong, even though he is the one getting upset and saying all those mean things.

I am realizing that I am behaving like an abused woman who blames herself when all she does is to please the person. I am willing to stand up for it now. Because I do not want the cycle repeating again.

I have a beautiful grandson and I do not want him becoming an abusive person or learning that this is the way to treat others.

Please any advice? I wrote a long letter about how I feel, and I am not going to play the role of an abused person any longer. He needs to get some help. A letter is the best way for him to listen what I have to say. I cannot talk to him. He yells and talks very fast. It has never worked.

Please give me any advice. I want to have a peaceful loving relationship with my son. Please any help?





Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. It is good that you are asking for help. Your situation with your son is likely to get worse until something changes.

You are wise to see that you are behaving like an abused woman. I don't know if he lives with you, but if he does, he needs to move out. To support him financially and provide a place for him to live while he is abusive to you is like asking him, and paying him to abuse you.

He is not a bad person, and neither are you. You created this situation together. He is responsible for his behavior, and you are responsible for yours.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he must earn the financial support you are giving him by treating you with respect. And at the same time, you need to treat yourself with more respect--by cutting off the financial support if he continues to abuse you.

The sad truth about your grandson is that you have no rights where he is concerned. The only way you can have a relationship with your grandson is by having a good relationship with your son. You must accept this, or you could end up pushing your son away--and your grandson as well.

In some ways, it seems that your son has become a kind of surrogate spouse to you. What that means is that you have made him too important in your life, as if he was your spouse. Follow my recommendations, and that will bring things back into their appropriate balance.

And focus on loving yourself, so that you never allow anyone to abuse you again. These self esteem CDs will help you a lot.

You might also want to take a look at this page on how to deal with abusive relationships.

Believe in yourself, and the goodness in you and your son.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore