My Mom Says She Can't Forgive Someone Like Me

by Christy
(California)

I'm 15 years old and I'm living with my mom yelling at me and my step dad telling my mom not to buy me things with my two young sister's ignoring me by my mom's request. I feel like I'm never going to impress my mom. I weigh 90 pounds and she thinks I'm fat.

She constantly tells me things that I don't want to hear like, you're stupid and ugly and says very violent things to me with a smirk.

I know words can only hurt you if you let them, but I always find myself being the one who's hurt because it's a constant thing and I can't tell my mom anything or she'll tell my step dad to hit me or yell at me. Sometimes I do because I am so tired of it, it's just horrible how my mom says how she's not my mom and how I can never achieve anything and that she wishes I weren't born.

When I do get hit, I tell my step dad he's not my dad just to find a way to make him stop. He just hits me harder. I try so hard not to hit or hurt him because my mom says she's going to send me to the looney bin like her sister. My mom said she's going to tell all my friends (if I do go) so they could laugh at me and that I'm going to have no life and she won't support me.

I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. We already had therapy, but that didn't workout just fine because my mom never changed and from this day on, I still hear my mom running her mouth to me.

There were times when I was depressed and suicidal and she told people that I'd cut myself and I would cry because I didn't want anyone to think that I was crazy. I was planning to commit suicide the day of my 14th birthday and my mom didn't care, but the last time she did and was saying "Why can't you just be perfect like your other sisters?"

If you want to know why my mom treats me like this, it is because I was very sad growing up because my mom and real dad got divorced when I was about four. When I did see my dad, he was very nice. Then at about age 9, that was the last time I'd probably ever seen him.



Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Christy, and thanks for telling your story here. You are a good, smart girl. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I want to help you understand that clearly, so that you can go about the business of creating a good life for yourself.

First of all Christy, your parents divorce was not your fault, and you did absolutely nothing wrong by loving your dad. You said that was why your mom treats you so bad...well, that's no excuse. As a matter of fact, there is no good reason for your mom to treat you badly, at all.

I'm sure your mom is a good person inside, but her behavior toward you sounds very abusive, in many ways. Your challenge is to not allow yourself to be defined by how she treats you.

Make up your mind that you will not accept your family's definition of you. Write down all of the negative things you've learned about yourself from your mom, step dad and anyone else who has failed to see your value. None of that is true. None of it. Refuse to accept those things as true about yourself.

Now focus on your very best qualities, and write those down. That's who you really are. Look at yourself through the eyes of those who love you most. Now write down all of the positive things they would say about you. That also goes into your new definition of who you are. Write positive letters to yourself everyday, as if you were your own guardian angel. This will really help you.

Begin imagining the life you want to live as an adult. You're almost there. Find a way to live independently from your mom and step dad as soon as you possibly can, and move out on your own and support yourself financially. That will eliminate their opportunity to abuse you any more.

I can tell you are good, and very smart, from what you've written here. Read this inner child script, and practice saying the affirmations to yourself, and visualizing yourself as a child in the visualizations exercises. This will help you heal emotionally, and connect with the truth about who you really are--a very good person.

Believe in yourself, Christy. Focus on the goodness in your heart that you have always known, and it will grow.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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