My Battle With Anger

by Constance
(South Africa)

I am a 26 going on 27 year old woman, and I need to share my story with all of you. Because I have been hiding for so long, now that I have found this space to share, It seems only fair to tell my tale. Right now it seems so overwhelming and I am pushing a lot of people away including family. So much so that I have very few friends or people I can trust.

My anger is so bad I cannot go a day without yelling at my mom or sister, or dad for that matter. In this past week, I have been reacting to anyone who provoked me, or challenged me. Be it at a mall or gas station, I am frightened for myself, because my rage knows no bounds.

I quit my job as a teacher two months ago because the stress was killing me, and I was crawling to work every morning. I knew I had to leave. I loved my job but I couldn't rely on myself to keep calm around the kids. Pretty soon when co-workers would push my buttons, I would react to my own frustration. It seemed my anger was bringing me more anger.

The biggest trigger to my anger is my family. I cannot tolerate any criticism from my immediate family, mum, dad and sister. It riles me up inside and I retaliate in a flash, determined never to let them hurt me.

This has been affecting my relationship with them for the past four years. Prior to that, I never had a relationship with them, because I was always depressed and medicated.

I had a rough childhood, like most people. I grew up with an alcoholic father, whose temper and rage paralyzed us, to never voice our opinion. My mom and my dad often had violent brawls, verbal and in later years physical. There was never peace in my home. I do not remember a week without alcohol or violence. I do not drink because of this, yet my other habits are not so far off.

My parents are now older, in their fifties, and their relationship has improved dramatically after they started counselling three years back. Now I feel like I am the out of control one, while every one else has gone on with their lives, I'm struggling to get through the day without hurting feelings. I am currently single.

I have temporarily moved back with my parents for the past two months, as I am worried about whether I can stay on my own with this temper. Even driving proves difficult as the wrong day brings out the worst road rage. I am currently seeing a psychologist who is unable to understand the gravity of my problem. So I have booked an appointment with another as I won't give up.

I am tired of blaming my past for my anger, but I realize that without understanding my anger there is no getting past it. I have seen how dormant anger unaddressed can poison and ruin ones life. Wish me luck on my journey. God bless you for this site.