My Anger Toward My Cheating, Drug Addict Husband Is Out Of Control

by Anonymous
(NY)

Please help me. I go from extreme depression to anxiety, to rage in dealing with my husband who is a crack addict, steals from me, stole my car, and now has, once again, left me short on rent as he stole $420 from my account last night.

I can't take it anymore. He left me for a drug addict/prostitute and when that didn't work out, he slept with another woman. Now he's back wanting to go to "marriage counseling".

I don't want a divorce but I can't live like this anymore. I am always broke, struggling to just keep my head above water. He caused me to lose 2 jobs and as such am on unemployment which is about to run out. I have had thoughts of suicide - I have no benefits because I have no job and am not entitled to his benefits for some reason.

My life used to be happy, now all I want to do is sleep as it's my only escape and the irony is that because of everything I have chronic insomnia - meaning I go for days with no sleep.

I have to always try and hide my debit card and checkbook for fear of him stealing from me. I have no car because he stole that too, then didn't make payments so that too is repossessed. My credit is destroyed because of him and creditors call daily.

I was once a middle-class self-made professional woman with a career and a purpose, now I have no reason for getting out of bed. My husband, during the time he left, got himself into legal trouble and is avoiding jail time by going through drug court which started this past Monday, yet they still haven't drug tested him and won't for at least another 2 weeks.

I don't understand. I did nothing to deserve this, yet my life is in ruins. I pray every night that God just takes me off this earth as I have nothing left anymore, he has destroyed everything. When I veer from the depression, I go into a rage and start smashing things (i.e. - broke both my cell and home phones this afternoon). What can I do? Please help me.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell you're really hurting, and in need of help. I will offer what I can.

You need to understand that you are just as addicted as your husband is. Your addiction is to him. You describe how he's destroying your life and how you no longer want to live, and you say you don't want a divorce. I'm not suggesting that you get a divorce, but I am suggesting that your current situation living with him just will not work. No one can live a sane, healthy life under these circumstances.

I suggest that you go to an ALANON meeting as soon as possible, and tell your story. You have to decide that your life is worth living, or no one can help you. You have to be your own champion. You said you haven't done anything to deserve this, and that's good. So now give yourself the life that you do deserve. Again, no one can have a life of any kind of decency under these circumstances. You need to live apart from this man, and get some help for yourself to make sure you stay out of these types of destructive relationships.

I suggest that you read each of the following pages, which will help you with your anger, self esteem and with your relationship:

FAQ page on anger management
letting go of a relationship

You need to believe in yourself. You are worthy of respect and care. Don't accept anything less.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Comments for My Anger Toward My Cheating, Drug Addict Husband Is Out Of Control

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Oct 19, 2016
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How To Manage When Living With An Addict
by: Anonymous

I have been married to an opiate addict and alcoholic for 12 years. We have had our ups and downs. He is a good hearted man with a lot of issues. Recently I found out he is cheating on me. Or so I believe.

Sometimes as partners of those with weaknesses we suspect the worst. Not sure a hundred percent if it's true or not, but the suspicion is eating us alive. Or at least me.

I am trying to focus on myself and what I want but it is so very hard when you live with someone who is suffering.

We also have a business together so I am learning to be a tough Sopranos character. Good luck to all of you trying to make a decision and not lose yourself in the process.

Jun 28, 2016
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Why Do We Hang On?
by: Anonymous

I've been married 17, almost 18 years. I knew that I was marrying a man with an alcoholic problem. I asked myself then "am I strong enough to do this for a lifetime?" Always promises that he will stop. Moving away from the drunk neighbors and the too-close bar would change things - the constant promises.

I always knew that the promises would not be kept. "I'll stop drinking after we have kids." I have heard it all. Months would go by without a drop and then a trigger and the binge drinking would start again. Throughout the years I knew the reality was that I could not depend on him to quit. The only thing I could control was me, my reaction, my resolve.

I have kept strong. His drinking has subsided substantially over the last 5 years. But now we have "back pain." I believe he is now addicted to the pain meds. Of course he will tell you he is not. He has had back surgery, physical therapy, and injections, but to no avail. We have just changed our addiction.

Today I found out he may be substituting his urine at the doctor's office. The challenges I face. He does not take any responsibility for his own actions or problems. And I know it’s not me, no matter how he may put me down.

With many prayers, and a self-esteem that is hard to break, I will continue to survive. My story has many facets, but I share this little bit. I pray for all of you that are facing spouses with addiction issues.

May 10, 2016
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One Day At A Time
by: Anonymous

I have spent close to 17 years with an alcoholic, pain med addict. It feels like I suffer from bi polar disorder. The highs when I am told he gets it and will quit. The lows when I see the reality up close and in my face. I have a background in behavior disorders and obviously dealing with it 8 hours was just not enough. Anger and total resentment have become my constant companions.

To all of you, you have my condolences and respect. We are stronger than we think. Breathe deeply and center yourselves, remember that it is their lives and does not in any way reflect who we are. The sky is blue, birds sing, protect your heart and don't allow them into your inner circle. Stand tall. It may sound stupid but it's how I get through it.

Jun 06, 2015
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You're Not Alone
by: Anonymous

Thanks for sharing your story. I too am married to an addict who has cheated on me several times. I have tried to leave but he threatens suicide, and if I go anyway, which I have a few times, he makes my life hell, so it's easier to stay.

The last time I left, he actually attempted suicide. Now I am back again and he is trying to get clean, apologizing, asking forgiveness and promising me the world. At this point I just don't feel the same toward him.

I feel like I am trapped and will never be happy. Despite it all, I do love him and don't want to abandon or hurt him when he is trying to make a change.

What to do??? I don't remember what happy feels like.

I am sorry to hear about your situation but you are not alone. I wish I had advice for you but I do understand why you are still in the marriage, which I'm sure you get criticized for. I wish you the best of luck and hope things turn around for you.

Apr 03, 2015
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It Is Time To Take Action On Your Own Behalf
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello

You cannot expect a person who is acting out sexually (communicating with those women) and (even if only occasionally) using crack to be a reliable partner for you. So...you say that he is using crack, talking to and possibly seeing prostitutes, and blames you for the financial problems...get the picture?

The fact that he is a good person is beside the point. You are not now and never will be safe with anyone who is doing those things.

You are worthy of being with someone who treats you with respect, and who is healthy and not using any addictive substances at all.

My very best to you as you move closer and closer to the healthy life and relationship that you want.

Dr. DeFoore

Apr 01, 2015
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Need Advice About My relationship
by: Anonymous

Hello I have been with my boy friend going on 7 years. When I first met him he was a truck driver. When he came in off the road he always left and stayed gone until time to go back out on the road.

He finally came clean with me letting me know he smokes crack. He lost his job as a truck driver because of a drug test.

Now that he has been off the road for almost 2 years he has changed a great deal as far as trying to get his life in order.

He falls off every once in a while and smokes crack and also has a problem looking up girls on back page that are selling their self for sex.

He swears he only talks to them to find crack. I feel that he may be cheating on me because he has before when he was driving a truck.

Please I need help to no what to do. I feel like I'm wasting my life because every time I think everything is OK I always get blind sided and find him talking to other women.

I'm always at fault over everything, and he tells me I need help and that I have serious problems and I am the reason we stay broke.

He is a good person and I do love him and he helps me raise my 2 kids but I feel hopeless right now.

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