My 20 Year Old Son Is Very Disrespectful

by Sonia
(Dallas Tx)

My son is 20 years old. He left a prestigious college in his 5th semester and came home.

He gets angry easily, breaks things and tears his clothes, but does not hit anyone. He does not tell us why he left school and his fraternity, only that he does not have friends there. He says he is ashamed of his father’s job, which is manager of a fast food store.

He calls us names and says f___ you and all women are b____ and so on.

We bought him a truck. He wants to go to California to get a job and find a way back to school. But he does not know how he is going to pay for his way.

It seems he has many dreams but no action. He says he has no motivation, but he is extremely smart. I forgive him a lot and it seems he is slightly better with me now but dislikes his father’s eating, dressing up, berating pattern.

His father is not abusive in any way, and has never raised a hand to him. His father is very kind, with no questions asked. Does not advise him or communicate on issues with him and has a poor listening habit.

What am I to do? Let him go, or keep on and try to find out what happened? He says he does not have ADHD, and is not bipolar, and does not have severe anxiety disorder or severe depression, just situational anxiety. What am I to do?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Sonia, and thanks for telling your story on this site. I will try to help you figure out what to do about your relationship with your son.

He will either tell you about what happened, or he won't. That's totally up to him, and there isn't anything you can do to speed up the process. The more you relax and let go, the more likely he will be to open up with you.

It is not uncommon for these types of problems to develop with young adults like your son living at home after having some kind of difficulty out in the world. It is very important, however, that you give him a clear message about what is acceptable in your home.

He is being abusive to you (the language you referred to), and you're not doing him any favors by allowing that behavior. And he is not respecting the hard work of his father by judging his type of employment.

You and your husband need to get together and find a way to communicate to him that he cannot stay in your home and be abusive.

Without intending to, you may be spoiling your son. You mentioned that you bought him a truck. Is it possible that you're giving him the message that his abusive, irresponsible behavior is acceptable by rewarding him with the gift of a truck?

Letting go is often the most loving thing you can do. But do not let go of control of your home. Your son has his own journey, and he has to figure things out for himself. You can't do that for him. Your job is to maintain order and respect in your home, and it is important that you take full responsibility for that.

He needs to move out and support himself, as soon as it is possible. This will be good for him, and for your own household. He will not respect himself or you as long as the current situation continues.

Talk to your husband and come up with a plan that you both feel good about. You will do the right thing.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

P.S. If you found this to be helpful, please consider making a donation to this site to support our mission.

P.P.S. If you got something of value here, We would also greatly appreciate it if you would provide a written testimonial about the site, Dr. DeFoore's help, or one of our products.

Comments for My 20 Year Old Son Is Very Disrespectful

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Jan 02, 2018
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To the Author of "19 Year Old Son Has Changed Totally"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for your comment.

Your son is growing up, and rebelling from your control. It's time to let go. From what you've written here, there's nothing wrong with him.

The reason he's fine around others is that his problem is with his relationship with you. He wants to be independent, and not your little boy forever, so he's rebelling.

Learn about letting go here, and do your best to encourage his independence.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jan 01, 2018
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19 Year Old Son Has Changed Totally
by: Anonymous

My only son is 19 years old. I've divorced for 18 years already. All responsibilities were upon me.

I and my son live with my mother and father. I worked all time and that was the reason I did not move to my own flat. Looking back, I was a quite successful person. I achieved a lot, money, flat, car, working on leading positions.

But my aim was just to create the normal life for him because actually, I had nothing from the beginning. He was a good boy. The best in school and the best in music. But the trouble began three years ago. I don't remember any serious reason even.

Two years ago he passed exams and started at the very famous business university. I was paying for his university. But this year he dropped it. He told it's not interesting anymore. He does not talk with me. If he does, he is kidding.

I feel he hates me. Or worse. He cannot cope with life anymore. Or even worse, he has mental problems. He behaves normally outside (a friend and his parent told me so). Today is the New Year and I cried all night, even now.

My son was closed all night in his room and talking with us not politely. When I try to communicate with him, he is shouting, hitting hand on the table and I leave him in fear not to provoke him into something wrong.

He does not clean room, does not wash dishes or his clothes. I asked him to go to the doctor (to help me as far as I was visiting psychiatrists that time), and he refused.

I really don't see the reason, I have no plans, I see no solution. If something happens to me that is realistic, who will take care of him? I am scared totally.

Dec 25, 2017
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Our 19 Year Old Is So Disrespectful
by: Anonymous

My soon to be 19 year old son has a real bad attitude. He is very bright but is lazy. He got thrown out of Sixth form college.

He has been so rude to his dad and myself. We have thrown him out of our home so many times. He has stolen from us, disrespected us, disrespected our home, smoked weed, drinks alcohol in excessive amounts, can't hold down a job.

His dad gave him a job, he worked as little as possible to the point where it's embarrassing. He has ruined the past few Christmases with his ungratefulness and we are at the end of our tethers.

Both his dad and I work 2 full time jobs and part time jobs and he won't help around the house. He only helps when you have to keep pushing and pushing him. It's exhausting. We have thrown him out again today as we have decided enough is enough.

We are taking our home back and our lives back. His behaviour is affecting his brother who is in the middle of important exams. It's not fair. He has to learn by the hard way now as the easy way hasn't worked.

Jul 17, 2017
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To the author of "19 Year Old Son..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello - You're going to have to get tough with him, or this will probably just get worse.

You and your husband will have to work together on this. Here are some suggestions:

1) Contact the police again, and tell them that he is aggressive and threatening you and using your credit card without your consent. At 19, he's an adult. They will tell you your legal options. If they still don't help you, consult with an attorney to find out your legal rights in this situation.

2) While he's away, pack up his things and put them by the curb, or somewhere that he can find them.

3) Change the locks on your house, and call the police immediately if he tries to get in and report a break-in. You don't even have to tell them it's your son. He's an adult, and the house does not belong to him, so he has no rights without your consent.

I know these are drastic steps, but it sounds like you may be ready to take them. His behavior toward you is unacceptable and criminal (credit card charges without your consent, for example).

I hope you find some solutions, and are able to restore peace to your home.

My very bet to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jul 16, 2017
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19 Year Old Son Is Out Of Control
by: Anonymous

Hello - I too have a disrespectful 19 year old son. He started rebelling about 3 years so when he was 16 and in high school. He started off by lying to me and sneaking around with his friends. I later found out that he had been smoking marijuana and when I confronted him about it he lied and said he wasn't .

He later didn't even care anymore and started smoking at my house and when I asked him to not smoke in my house he would say that he wouldn't anymore but he did it anyways. Since he graduated high school and turned 18 he has completely lost all respect for me and my husband (his stepdad since he was 2).

He would ask to borrow my new car to go to work and he would smoke weed in the car and have all his friends in the car with him. One of his friends burned my seat and my son didn't pay to have it repaired. Also he always plays the victim when confronted about his actions. He says that he isn't understood and that no one loves him and that's why he acts like that.

A couple of days ago he came home super drunk and was driving my car. He busted my tire and rim and came in the house super aggressive and started threating his stepdad saying he hates him and wants him dead.

He was pushing me around, so I called the police and told them he was out of control. They came to our house and said they couldn't do anything because he is 19.

I want him out of my house I have asked him to leave many times but he doesn't leave. Last night he snuck out of the house and came back drunk at 6am when I checked my bank account he had used my card to pay 70 dollars on Uber rides to god knows where.

I don't know what to do with him anymore. I know it sounds terrible but I want him out of my life, but he just doesn't want to leave. Please help me. I'm so desperately looking for help!

May 12, 2017
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My 27 Year Old Son Has Horrible Debt
by: Anonymous

Hi. I have a 27 year old son who has a lovely girlfriend and a little boy of 3. He has always gets himself into terrible debt. Myself and his dad have got him out of debt before, but no more.

He spends on things he really can't afford, like cars and motor bikes, so he is now in so much debt it's heartbreaking. His relationship has ended because of this.

As a mother I'm so worried. I tried to explain to him that he has a family to support, but all I get is abuse and disrespect.

Please has anyone got any answers as I'm at the end of my teather. I've blocked all his access to me, as it's too upsetting to be involved with him in any way.

Thank you

Jan 09, 2017
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Love Them Enough To Let Them Go
by: Anonymous

My son is 22 years old, and completely disrespectful. I have cut off all communication with him. A few months ago he kicked in my bedroom door because he left his car keys in my room. I had left for a doctor’s appointment. He lied and said that he didn't do it, and never apologized.

I slowly allowed him to come back around because of the holidays and to visit his siblings. He has not learned his lesson. He slept over on Saturday night, and agreed to go to church with us on Sunday. He woke up with a bad attitude. Wouldn't speak to me in the am.

He went to his car and noticed that someone stole his wallet. He was crying and asked for $20.00 for gas. I gave it to him and went to church. When I returned home, my front door had been kicked in. I'm assuming that he left something in the house that he desperately needed.

He is no longer welcome in my home, and I have to accept the fact that he has to suffer the consequences for his actions. He told his father that he didn't do it. I see that pattern here. His father says that we need to talk. I'm not open to communicating with a liar. It's illogical.

The only help that I'm willing to give him is praying for him. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one going through this with an adult son who doesn't even live at home. I love him enough to let him go.

Dec 30, 2016
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Disrespect Is Too Common In Adult Children
by: Anonymous

My 20 year old son is also extremely disrespectful. He is starting 1st year at university for the 3rd time and now on his 3rd different major having failed and dropped out of the previous ones without a hoot for costs incurred by his parents.

He is extremely nice until tuition fees are paid by me and then totally uncooperative when I ask how things are going. Gets abusive with his language if I ask about the subjects he is taking, etc.

I totally blame myself and his mother for spoiling him. The situation isn't helped by the fact we, his parents, are divorced, and have totally different approaches to parenting.

My own belief is that we give our kids far too much, and give in to their every whim, despite their general attitude. The end result is rewards for good or bad behaviour, thus engendering a lack of respect, because they get what they want regardless.

It can only change when at least one parent (but preferably both) set the rules. E.g. If I am paying for your education, you owe me the respect of putting in the required effort and pass your exams, and letting me know how things are going when I ask. However, if you are paying yourself you can decide on these things yourself. It's pretty simple really.

It starts with rules and the parents discipline in sticking to them. Preferably starts early and is consistent over time. It's definitely not rocket science, but very difficult to implement if parents are not on the same page, which is often the case in divorce.

Social workers appear to be big proponents of child centred parenting, but it appears to be either misinterpreted in practice or misguided. If we look at countries where children have more respect for their parents, families are stronger, divorce rates are lower, grandparents have a role to play in the child's upbringing, and children are taught to respect their parents from an early stage at home, in schools and in churches.

Sep 29, 2016
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Can't Take Any More
by: Anonymous

My 20 year old son steals money from me and his sisters.He has no respect at all. I tell him not to sleep on my furniture of a night and he just goes ahead and does it.

He knocks to come in (I won't give him a key) at all times at night, the last couple of nights 5:30am.

I have been off work for depression because of him. He has destroyed his bedroom, even his door and his sisters door.

I have thrown him out numerous times but like so many others have let him back in for showers (even though his hygiene is very poor which is why I don't like him sleeping on my furniture).

I do think it's an excuse to get in the house. I'm at my wit's end and fear for my sanity. He has bad anger issues too.

Jun 25, 2016
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22 Year Old Son Abandoned His Children
by: Anonymous

I have a 22 year old son, a 17 year old, and a 19 year old son. The 22 year old is a bad influence. He left his young family, high and dry. He has two kids and one on the way.

He left them and returned back to NJ to live with my parents. He's not allowed in my home due to his Facebook rants and accusing me and my wife (his step mom) of favoritism. The only girl is 9 years old and our only child. I never expected to deal with these poor attitudes and behavior.

Apr 04, 2016
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My Angry And Violent Reclusive Son
by: Anonymous

My son is 27 years old. He is angry, violent and lives like a recluse in his room. He doesn't go to work and is supposed to be studying but doesn't go to school.

He says he studies on his own but I don't see him studying. He mixes with no friends and answers no calls. He hates his brother and sister and hits his father. His father, who is now my ex, was also very aggressive and violent when he was younger.

We realized my son does have mental and anger issues. He keeps repeating that it’s our bad genes that make him like this. He keeps repeating and repeating, so we know he is not sane. He refuses to see a doctor as he says he is not mentally ill.

Please advise as we fear he gets out of control.

Thank you.

Mar 11, 2016
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Am I Doing The Right Thing?
by: Anonymous

Hi - I have a 19 yr old son who gets angry when things are said, that he feels aren't right. He doesn't break things, but he says things that are disrespectful. I'm at the point where I feel this is my house, and you cannot stay here with the disrespect. Am I right with my decision, or should I nip it in the bud now? I definitely have to say something because I want peace in our home.
Thank You.

Jan 29, 2016
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To the author of "My 18 Year Old Is Out Of Control"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for reaching out for help here. All of the advice and recommendations you need are right here on this page. Just read the web page itself, then read my responses to other parents dealing with the same issues as you are.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jan 28, 2016
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My 18 Year Old Is Out Of Control
by: Anonymous

My 18 year old son is very disrespectful and out of control. I ask him to keep his room clean, he just ignores me. I've set curfew and he ignores it. When I try to talk to him about his behavior he tells me he's 18 and he doesn't have to talk to me. I feel like he's getting into things that he can't handle. Not sure what to do anymore. His dad and I are divorced and do not get along so that is one big issue. Please give me some ideas.

Jan 26, 2016
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Disrespectful 23 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

I'm always there to help him, pick him up when he is down. But when I want to talk to him about his daughter who misses him, he cusses me out and generally disrespects me. It hurts so bad. Help!

Dec 18, 2015
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My 20 Year Old Son Who Has Been Suicidal
by: Anonymous

Hello I have a 20-year-old son who hates me. I raised him on my own and try to give him everything he needed, but I think I failed him He's majorly depressed and disrespects me. He calls me every name in the book, pushes me and demands that I buy him an Apple computer.

I can't even afford to pay my mortgage. I think I give in because he has attempted suicide and I feel that I am to blame.

I don't know what to do anymore, please help.

Oct 09, 2015
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At My Wit's End
by: Anonymous

I also have a 20 year old son with ADHD, and an extreme anger problem who lives with me. He pays for nothing, was working but got fired. Now he goes to school part time, not working, smokes weed daily by selling things from my garage.

A relative just bought him a car and gives him money for doing things around their house. He has always had a major anger problem. He punches walls and slams doors when he doesn't get his way.

But I also think he is doing some other type of drug or something else is wrong because lately he has been sweating from his forehead several times a day, which is not normal for him.

Most of the time he treats me very poorly. He's disrespectful, yells and pushes me when he wants something from me like money.

I want him gone so bad but he will have no where to go except the streets as he has no money, only a car. His father died when he was 11 but really never knew him or chose not to be a part of his life because he did not move with us back to our home town.

He won't go to Family Counseling. I don't know what to do and I'm about to have a nervous breakdown over this. Someone please help!

Response from Dr. DeFoore

The one thing you are missing here is that your son's survival (that is, where he will live, etc.) does not and cannot depend on you. That's up to him. Read the stories from other parents on this page, and you'll find consistently that the only solution in 99% of the cases is for the young adult to be out of your home. You're supporting and condoning all of his bad behavior by allowing him to stay.

Claim your life, and give his life to him.

You can do this...

My best,

Dr. DeFoore

Jul 03, 2015
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Response to Mary
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Mary

Your feelings make perfect sense. You're correct in feeling that this is just not right, for you to be working so hard to support your son while he treats you with such disrespect.

Ask yourself what you're teaching him, by allowing this to continue. You're not doing him any favors by permitting this disrespectful behavior while continuing to reward him with financial support.

I'm sure you will make a good decision.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jul 03, 2015
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My Son Treats Me Like A Thorn In His Side
by: Mary

My son has been disrespectful to me for years. He is now 20. He just finished his second year of college, which I have helped considerably with.

He came home and worked for three weeks and now has quit and is at his dad's home at the lake just enjoying life, while my husband and I work to help him continue to go to college.

My son never cleans his room, only shows me disdain, does nothing for anyone else unless I push him. And now he is indignant with me because I discussed my concerns with a trusted friend. I'm tired, and feeling the strain in all walks of my life.

I don't want to react but want to be thoughtful as I determine my next step. I'm really tired of paying for college, cell phone, insurance, car, food, and all extras for a young man who treats me like such a thorn in his side.

Jun 17, 2015
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Response to "So Sad..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello - It is not up to you to figure out where your son is going to go...that's his job. It is your job to keep peace in your home. You are not helping your son at all by allowing him to stay in your home and behave so badly. As a matter of fact you're hurting him, and yourselves.

Require him to move. Nothing will get better until you do. Then, it's up to him to figure out what he's going to do.

Believe in yourself and your son, and take the next necessary step - and make sure your husband stands by you in this action.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jun 17, 2015
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So Sad And Can't Make Our Son Leave
by: Anonymous

I have a 22 Old son who is very angry and disrespectful to me and my husband. There is a lot of name calling and destroying things in our home. He can't keep a job and doesn't drive. He blames everything on me.

What worries us is that there is no remorse or any kindness from him. He things my husband and I are wrong and that he is right. He lies a lot. We lost trust in him. His older brother moved out because he didn't want To be around him anymore.

We hesitate to make him leave our house because he has nowhere to go. We can't live like this anymore. Don't know what to do.

Dec 03, 2014
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Good For You --That's Why They Call It Tough Love
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello

I know what you're doing is very difficult, and there are no guaranteed outcomes. But everything we've learned about these situations tells us that what you've done (putting up boundaries for your son and requiring him to respect you) is the best possible course of action. You have inspired other parents...thank you for your contribution.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Dec 02, 2014
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Disrespectful Son And How We've Handled It
by: Anonymous

I have a similar problem with my 29 year old son who has just returned home after living away for about 18 months. He has been extremely disrespectful to my husband and myself and friends. It has now gotten so bad that we told him to leave. I love him very much, but I've said that until he decides to change we don't want him visiting or even contacting us. We have told him our door is always open when he us ready to talk and make some changes but he has not answered. I worry and am very sad and hope I am doing this for his own good to allow him to be responsible for his actions. It is very upsetting though.

Sep 05, 2013
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MY SON CAME HOME FROM THE MILITARY
by: Anonymous

I was so happy to get him home safe and to help him look for work. He met a girl his first day back and she sleeps here bringing her young child and I never see my son alone. He is so consumed with her he doesn't show appreciation or much motivation to find a job and makes me feel like a stranger in my own house. I cried tonight telling him how I felt, he refused to discuss my feelings then laughing with her a few minutes later. I feel all is lost because to him I have no value. Tough choices ahead and much pain. Why does this have to be? I just wanted a family and I had missed him for three long years.

Jul 07, 2013
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Same here
by: Anonymous

I have a 22 year old son, came home from college, cause he couldn't make it there. Question was why? Loans are there, part time job was good. There is never an answer for him. I later got the bills, apt , car, 6 months not paid. Car under my name a 2012 was trashed. After being told by him many times he was to clean out car I decided to see the inside. This is the day I pledged that I would take no more. He put me in a head lock, pushed me around. No mother should have to put up with this type of abuse. After this I took away the car & asked him not to come home and to get a life. As a single parent, 59 year old retired firefighter. I was not going to allow him to do this.

Feb 20, 2013
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I have the same in a daughter.
by: Anonymous

I feel what you are saying. I have and an almost 20 year old daughter whom has become so disrespectful over the last few years. Unfortunately I have to take some responsibility for this. At some level I must have tolerated it for her to think this could possibly go on. I usually say "No swearing" or "Whatch your mouth" and she just blows it off. I love her to death but want her OUT! I feel that I have done her no favors what so ever letting her live under my roof and behave as she does. She showers with her b.f and has him in her room and I have nobody to blame but myself for allowing this and now she feels its always okay. I'll take my knocks but I think b/c she didn't have a dad around all the time this is a huge part of the disrespect which I think is deep anger.

Sep 19, 2011
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Very disrespectful 20 year old son
by: Anonymous

I agree. I have a son who is verbally abusive, breaks my things and thinks he can do whatever to me and disrespect my home. He has been doing this for the past 5 years. The last straw was the other day when he broke up things in my home and made me feel as though he could of hit me. I had to tell him to leave mentally and physically. I am a wreck and can't do it anymore. I usually feel bad and forgive him and allow him to stay no matter what because I feel guilty, but i know this is not good.

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