More Of A Plea for Help

by Salem
(Luxemburg)

I'm a young lady, and I surprise myself with how mean I can be. Normally, I am the polite girl that is the one to cheer others up; however, I, and others, have commented on my "short fuse."


What really worries me (and is the reason I am on this site in the first place) is how I intentionally hurt people I care about most. In the past, I've had my Pastor tell me that when someone hurts me, or could potentially hurt me, I will hurt them more than they possibly could hurt me.

This attitude is a problem, and I am seriously concerned with how I treat my boyfriend especially. He isn't perfect either, and, in some cases, he can throw punches just as much as I can. To put it simply, we both can get quite irrational. I, however, want to fix this anger problem because I feel that I will lose him due to me saying something mean.

I always regret being mean right after I say it, especially when I hear his side or watch his response. So, what I'm saying is, I don't get pleasure out of being mean, but when I'm angry, I can't seem to stop. Half the time it's because I feel hurt and betrayed by him, so I make sure to make him feel the way I do which only makes it worse.

I've spent over an hour on this site reading your techniques and advice, and I am praying to get through these issues I have with myself. I would like to ask how I can forgive myself for being so mean. Everyone seems to forgive me so easily, and I don't know how they do it because I keep staying mad at myself for the way I am. Please help.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Salem, and thanks for telling your story here. This meanness is not who you really are, and yet you're responsible for it. I congratulate you for taking this action to learn and heal, and for accepting responsibility for your own emotions and actions. That is the first step to change, and now I will recommend the next steps.

I suggest that you do each and every one of the exercises recommended on this FAQ page. You will find that these are not easy steps to take, but if you take them seriously and do them consistently, I think you will get some relief, some healing and the desired changes in your behavior.

The meanness is your internal protector, who is confused by thinking that inflicting harm on others makes you safer. The imagery exercise in the above linked processes will help you to heal that confused part of yourself, and all of the exercises in combination will help you to activate and strengthen the good, loving, calm and wise person you truly are.

Believe in yourself, take these steps, and you will reach your goals.

You can do this, Salem.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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