I'm In Limbo About My Marriage After My Husband Getting Help

by Anonymous
(Queensland)

I was in an abusive relationship for 22 years. My husband would rage for hours, blame me, and trivialize me in his arguments. He would throw things to scare me and the list goes on.

I has left twice before but 6 months ago I moved out. I didn't ask him to get help this time, I was done!

Then he attended counselling and a 'respect' course. He seems to have changed dramatically which is great for our kids. He wants to reconcile. But I feel pretty numb about it. There is so much hurt from all the crappy things he has done. Now he's being ultra nice but it just doesn't seem to impress me.

He says he never meant to hurt me but that's a lie. I have also received counselling and have done a great deal of research and I know now that all these tactics are choices. So him saying I'm beautiful just doesn't erase him screaming at me that I'm fat in front of my children. He has undermined me in front of the children, attempted to undermine all the good in me – my parenting, degree, career, organizational skills etc.

I am trying to make an educated choice about my marriage - to repair would be good for the children, easier in many ways providing his change is permanent…and no one marries just to end up in divorce.

However, I think shouldn't I just move on and discover me, why should I do the work to learn to trust him? He doesn't deserve that when he has been so self-centered and lacking in basic compassion.

My happiness is the key to the kids’ happiness despite me having to work harder as a single mother. It's just really difficult to make a final decision. Any suggestions?