I'm Hurt & Just Can't Let Go

by Marija
(Toronto)

Everyone has biases about who they are as a person and I can already tell you I'm no angel, but truthful and kind to my friends I definitely am.

One of my closest girlfriends has completely shut me out. We went out the other night and out of nowhere she began to yell at me and threaten to hit me, saying completely nonsense things, accusing me of doing something I clearly didn't because what she accused me of was legitimately impossible. Completely. Impossible.

That same morning, I paid for her $115.00 spa treatment because she didn't have cash on her, but she e-transferred me the money. Also, that same day, I made her and her friends an expensive dinner that everyone was going to help me pay for. Finally, that same night, I agreed to be the one keeping the tab for drinks open for us at the club.

Right after the club is when she had her emotional outburst, and it's been 2 long days and nights now and no reply to me, although she's been replying to our mutual friends. Also to note, she has my two favorite articles of clothing.

I feel like a complete fool for ever being so nice and putting so much trust in anyone at all. I'm so bothered because she won't even explain herself. I have sent her so many texts just telling her how sad I am and if she could just please explain, again, being so nice even though she doesn't deserve it at all.

I really am trying to just talk to her at this point. She has been so disrespectful and shutting me out like that robbing me of my clothing and money. I'm so unbelievably upset. I have been trying so hard, literally praying that these thoughts go away. But they keep popping into my head. Things that I would do or say to her. It ruins my whole day.

Why do I act as if people are so trustworthy, and why did my closest friend do me so much wrong in one night? I never want to be her friend again, I just want what is mine and I want her to know how she made me feel. But it's wrong, and knowing that makes me cry and cry and cry. I don't know what to do.

As stupid as it may sound I feel like the only help would be to go on a big shopping spree so I can forget about what I have lost...but I don't have money to do that. I'm just worried I'm going to do something that I will regret.

My first thoughts are always destruction; but I have my own place, and she knows where I live. Then I think about going there and at least cussing her out, but again, she knows where I live. And honestly at this point, if she’s now that psycho what does that mean when she actually has a reason to be mad?

I pretty much have had to rule out anything that involved communicating with her. But it's 2:20am and this stupid thing won't let me sleep.

Please help me, anything. Teach me how to move on, how to focus on the now and what really should and does matter. Thank you.

Take Care Of Yourself First

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Oct 10, 2017
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Focus On Your Happiness
by: Anonymous

Dear Marija,

You remind me so much of myself when I was at your age. Because of the lack of love I received from my own parents and upbringing I was unknowingly chasing after other peoples' affections through being overly generous to fill the void and fit in.

You are learning the hard way how to balance your good nature. I highly suggest you stop internalizing as much as you are doing and keep your self at an arms length from anyone who screams and disrespects you. Learn to control your emotions from spiraling downwards by not overthinking.

You mentioned that you are afraid to lose the friendship. I too felt that way with 2 childhood friends that I was thick as thieves with. But these were also very one sided friendships that were at times very disrespectful and condescending. When I finally said I can't do this anymore is when I truly found myself and gained so much!

You need to self care and stop indulging to the extent you are because it will suck the life out of you. Balance is key in all relationships. Stop chasing after people.

Try meditation and yoga to clear your mind from the clutter and find people to be in friendship relationships similar to your own style. I tolerate no disrespect now, and quietly move on without pointing fingers and being negative or destructive.

I can also tell you this both women I mentioned earlier have tried very hard several times over the past couple of years to have me in there lives again. They lost a good friend, but I finally chose my self respect over the toxic friendship. And I am so happy and proud I finally got to that point.

I now have wonderful, kind, loving friends that I do not have screaming matches with or feel beneath because of their condescending remarks and selfish behavior. You show people how to treat you by setting boundaries with yourself.

Best of Luck to you. You will get there, but first you have to change.

Oct 09, 2017
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Seek Balance & Reciprocity
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Marija, and thanks for telling your story here. I'll try to help.

First, I strongly suggest that you seek reciprocity in all of your relationships. When one person is giving more than the other, that imbalance wears on the relationship over time, and things begin to break down. Ironically, the person receiving more than she gives is rarely if ever grateful.

Also, consider that your friend's meltdown had nothing to do with you...that's why the things she said made no sense. It wasn't about you, but I totally understand that if was upsetting to you. Read this article on letting go of a relationship, and this one on personal boundaries, and follow the recommendations you find there. You'll slowly but surely start to feel better.

Try to focus on yourself, and shift your focus away from her. You probably won't get an explanation for what she did...I doubt she even knows herself.

Keep your sights set forward into the future you choose for yourself.

You can do this, Marija.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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