I Have Become An Outsider In My Own Family

by Madiha
(Pakistan)

I have been married for the last three years and have been living with my in-laws. These three years have made me stronger than ever but hypersensitive also.


I have always respected my in-laws and shared a close relationship with my mother-in-law. But this year something happened that changed my life for better or worse and continues to hurt me beyond my imagination.

Two months back, my parents came to visit my sister-in-law who had a premature baby and had been staying with us for nearly year and my mother-in-law made a strange complaint to my mother that Madiha is rude, clever and manipulative. My mother and I were taken back by such behaviour, because I have always tried to be a good daughter-in-law.

When they left, I asked in front of everyone what went wrong in low high tones. Before I could say anything my husband asked me to shut up and leave. There were shouts, abusive language and so much more.

What went wrong? I didn't know and remained speechless and teary for hours and hours. My husband was expecting me to apologize but for what? Later I did.

After getting married, I have always opted the policy of non-interfering in the matter of in laws and used to mix with my in-laws in a guarded manner but happy healthy manner, but actually never tried to hurt them.

When my hubby came back, there was a hot exchange of words between my husband and me. These words were spoken in a loud manner and heard by my husband's aunt, who later made a complaint to aunty (my mother in law) that your sister-in-law doesn't like me coming to the house etc. and she is a scheming manipulative girl. She also said from now on I am not going to visit your house again.

This aunt is my mother-in-law's sister who is divorced and has spent most of her life with my aunt who is now a widow of an army man. My husband's aunt lives independently.

Later, for the sake of my parent's peace of mind and to give my marriage another chance, I went to my hubby's aunt's place with sweets etc. and convinced her sincerely that she is always welcome in her sister's house and apologized for the problems I have caused.

Things were back to normal, but my mother-in-law has become cold towards me. It has been two months, and she never replies to my hello's or talks to me. She keeps on blaming me directly or indirectly to my husband for being rude and manipulative and my husband like a good mama's boy listens and makes me 'realize' the anger which I have caused for unknown reason.

I have asked for my mother-in-law's forgiveness twice, but nothing has changed.

That manipulative aunt continued the whole story after I made a proper forgiveness to my aunt.

I have become an outsider now and will be forever!




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Madiha, and thanks for telling your story here. Being excluded in your family must be very painful for you. I will try to help.

Your focus needs to be on yourself, and how you can be happy and fulfilled as a person. If you turn to these people for happiness, you may continue to be disappointed.

I suggest that you read the following page on relationships, and see what applies to you: how to deal with abusive relationships.

You truly need to focus on your own self esteem, and believe in yourself. I suggest you never again apologize for something you don't truly feel was your fault.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore