I Feel So Ashamed Of My Choice In My Relationship

by Heather
(Fredericton, New Brunswick)

I am a 53 year old woman who became involved with a 38 year old young man about a year and a half ago. We were together for two years.

He left me in the middle of the night for another girl. Four months later, he returned to me for four days. And then he left again. I called his gf and told her what he was doing - using the both of us, and I wasn't going to play that game. But I was very much in love with him and I still am.


He is an alcoholic, a gambler, unemployed, a deadbeat father, a cheater and addicted to cocaine and has sex with men, as well as women. Okay, so I got involved with the wrong guy. So much so, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for allowing this man to use me and think he can continue to come near me.

He broke my heart and I am still in a lot of pain. I want to forget and forgive but I’m still so angry at him. His gf thinks he's the greatest guy, and she knows and hates me. I did nothing wrong. - why do I feel so hurt still.

I can't seem to get over the hurt and humiliation of being involved with someone so screwed up. I am not ready to forgive. I don't like or even respect him. should I forgive and be friends again with him?




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Heather, and thanks for telling your story here. I understand that you’re feeling very bad for getting involved with someone who has so many problems. Your focus needs to be on your own problems. The pain and embarrassment you’re feeling now will only get worse, until you look at your own issues which cause you to choose such a dysfunctional partner.

I strongly encourage you to read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It will help you understand your situation, and what steps you need to take to get healthy.

Do this for yourself, Heather. I assure you that this man you’ve been involved with has his addictions as a much higher priority than you are. You are worthy of being loved and respected in all of your relationships. Accept nothing less.
My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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