I Don’t Know Who I Am Any More Or How To Feel

by R
(Miami)

I feel so bad, so confused. So embarrassed to still be in this situation.

I recently once again broke it off with my boyfriend of almost three years. I started to get sarcastic, respond in a wrong way and get really defensive when ever he said something that I would take the wrong way. I would not stand him around and I would stop calling as much to the point that I wouldn’t call at all.


Since then (October 25th) we have seen each other two or three times and whenever that happens he just talks and talks about how he really cares for me and loves me and wants to fight for this relationship and by the end of the night I end up wrapped in his arms like if nothing happened. And then the next day we'll be back to normal.

Am I playing with his heart? He tells me how I could be so mean and so cruel and not feel a thing. All I do is stay quiet because I do not want to hurt his feelings any further but deep deep deep down I feel like we could salvage this in a certain way. I know in my mind that it won’t work. My family does not like him, my friends really don’t approve and I feel embarrassed to take him out with friends because of some of the responses that he simply gives to people. People have seen the way that he acts and they tell me. On the other hand my heart screams out something different and this is where my confusion begins.

I know that he is not a bad man and he has wonderful feelings and that he really cares about me but I grew tired of all the discussions and trying to get my opinion across and always getting bombarded on how I need to change and how I need to better myself and how I need to put my grain of salt to salvage this. It has come to the point that I do not want to go into another depression stage and thought of going to a psychologist but then he won’t go with me to sessions because he feels there is nothing wrong with him.

His family really doesn’t like me any more, I know because one day I rolled my window down to say hello and his family just walked away with the exception of his hand that raised his hand to say hello. This really got to me. Aside from this, he has really put down my family, explaining how they haven’t raised me right and that I don’t believe in God because I don’t go to church and because of the way my parents raised me they should have been a lot more strict with me.

I felt so overwhelmed when he would have me call him when I went to lunch when I got back from lunch when I was on my way home. I would have to communicate if I was going any where. It became a competition of calls because he would wait for my call and I would wait for his and this upset him.

I have so many mixed emotions. Emotions at home with the fact that my uncle, my grandmother's (still living) son passed away in July, and then the emotions in my relationship. I don’t know how much more I can stand. I have days where I can smile and then others where I just want to cry for no apparent reason. I have the feeling that there is something else for me out there, but on the other hand how the world is now. And some days I start to think would any one really care and be faithful and be sincere with me other than my ex?

Is it worth continuing this relationship knowing that my parents would not approve if we were to get married. I am 26 already and I feel like I have no self love because of this, no feelings anymore. Especially I feel like I'm insecure and have no self-decision making in my life as if I needed others' opinions to confirm what I may need to do.

Am I normal? Is this yet another transition? Please help.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello R, and thanks for telling your story here, and for submitting that beautiful image. It is clear that you care for this person, and it is clear that you're in pain. I will try to help.

First, I'll say that a healthy relationship will not cause you the kind of self doubt and confusion you're going through. Here is the part of what you wrote that made it very clear what is going on:

"he has really put down my family, explaining how they haven’t raised me right and that I don’t believe in God because I don’t go to church and because of the way my parents raised me they should have been a lot more strict with me. I felt so overwhelmed when he would have me call him when I went to lunch when I got back from lunch when I was on my way home. I would have to communicate if I was going any where."

This is not love, it's control. If this is going on during dating, I assure you marriage would be much, much worse. The only healthy choice for you is to follow your own heart all of those times when you have broken up with him, and make it final.

In order to do that, you will have to love yourself more than you love him, or anyone. I suggest you learn more about how to raise your self esteem.

It will also benefit you greatly to learn how to let go of a relationship.

Your top priority is to get into a good feeling place with yourself, and shift your focus off of your boyfriend. That focus is bringing you only pain and confusion.

Believe in yourself R, and create a good life for yourself. If you don't do that, no one else will. No person can give you happiness. When you get good at generating your own happiness, then healthy relationships will add to that happiness.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore