I Am A Bad Mother

by Carina
(Singapore)

Hi. I have two kids, 6 and 2 years old. I always get very frustrated when correcting my 1st kid who is 6. When she is not doing her homework properly, I will want to slap or even pinch her. I don't even allow her to cry when she was beaten by me.

I just want to make her feel bad and learn her lesson. I know this is the wrong way to discipline her, but I just can't control my anger.


When it comes to meal time, she will give all kind of nonsense and I will get very frustrated. I don't understand why I like to vent my anger on my daughter. Is it because I had a very bad experience during my pregancy with her? Sometimes I feel myself perverted, because I like to make my daugther feel sad. I hate myself.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Carina, and thank you so much for telling your story here. I really want to help you to stop hurting your daughter. I know that you're a good person, and that's why you wrote your story here. You know that what you're doing is wrong, but you don't know how to stop. I will do my best to help you, for your sake and the sake of your children.

First, I want you to write about anything and everything bad that has ever happened to you, using the guidelines on this page. I know you will do this, because you are good and you want to change. On that same page, you can begin writing from your anger every day, several times a day. This is extremely important, and it will help you to be more calm.

Then do the positive writing exercises on that page, especially focusing on what you love about your daughter.

Here is a method for controlling your anger that will also help you:

1) Come up with a mental picture of your anger. Amplify it, making it larger than life, and keep searching for an image until you have a clear picture in your mind. Imagine how you look to your daughter when you're hurting her, and then make the image even worse in your mind. This is not you, this is just your anger--which has become very sick, and you will heal it.

2) While picturing it in your mind, say this to it: "I can see that you are a part of me. I created you a long time ago, for my protection. If I let you run my life, you will destroy it, and you will keep hurting my children. I'm not going to try to kill you or make you go away. You have a place here, but you're not going to be in charge any more. I'm taking over, which will keep both of us safe. I know you're strong, but your strength belongs to me, and I choose to use it for good things."

3) Notice how the image responds or changes in your mind while you say these things. Keep working with it in this way until you begin to see a healthy anger image start to emerge. Ultimately, you want to transform it into a loyal ally--that's what happens when your anger is healthy.

4) Every time you start to get angry, picture this image of your anger--keep at it until you can see it clearly. This is called "See It Don't Be It," and it will help you to manage your anger.

You can do this, Carina. You are a good person who wants to do the right thing.

I believe in the goodness in your heart. Please do all of the above exercises, and stop hurting your precious children and yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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