How To Deal Properly With Family Members Who "Push Your Buttons"

by Dan
(Toronto)

Push The Love Button

Hello Dr. DeFoore. I truly appreciate this site. I come from a very loving family, however, sometimes we will say insensitive things to each other, which I understand is part of many family dynamics.

This anger I feel stems back to childhood where my family has always been loud to begin with. In my teens I started feeling a necessity to defend myself against them.

The thing is, I tend to blow up at my mom, sister, and dad after they say or chastise me for usually trivial things. I truly don't like the way the rage wells up in me and then I yell and swear, despite the past or whatever they may say to me.

I just need to find a way to calm the rage before I start to yell. This is an honest, sincere, email that I'm writing and last night was a wake-up call to me as I'd made my sister cry. Can you please help me with this and shed some light?

Thank you kindly.

Develop Self Love

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Oct 17, 2015
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To Author of "I'm At The Bottom"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello - I strongly encourage you to visit our Parenting Adult Children page, and read the comments from other parents, as well as my responses.

This will help you. Don't give up.

My best,

Dr. DeFoore

Oct 15, 2015
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I Am At The Bottom And Don't See A Way Out
by: L.B

I am in the middle of a verbally abusive situation with my 29 year old son who lives in our basement. He has a history of alcohol and drug use. I see a therapist on a regular basis and I do take medication for my depression. I can not take his verbal abuse any longer. It's my home and I live with his constant swearing and screaming at me. I am his problem. I am the cause of his problems. He has a alcohol monitor on his vehicle. Yesterday he was told he was accepted into an internship which is a huge success for us. For him it was a reason to celebrate therefor he could not go to work today because he couldn't start his car. He lives in filth-something I don't understand and have accepted to let it go. Deep down I am very disturbed because he does this on purpose. He and I both know it. My poor husband is caught in the middle all the time. I was forced to retire because he was in and out of jail, treatment centers and finally living with us-or it was the streets. He lost his driver's license for 10 years-I have had to be available for his every need. I just told him to get out of our house, his response was you get out. He tells me all I do is sit around and take my drugs. I can not talk to him at all when he is manic. I am at the bottom today. There is such a long history here and nothing is going to change. Every time we argue I tell him to get out of my house. He tells me it's not my house. I don't pay for it. I worked 25 years and made a lot of money. We have a vacation home, we own our cars and our house. He needs to go. 29=-not married-no kids-we bought his car-paid his insurance-paid for $2,000.00 in car repairs-feed him-buy his clothing, he pays for nothing. He plays the "kick me to the streets" game. I'll just go back to drugs. In other words we are held hostage. I was very close to my parents. I can not understand where the disrespect is considered ok? The biggest issue is -he spends every second on his computer playing video games-we have to tell him to stop swearing and screaming at the TV-the little money he does make goes to play station, Netflix, alcohol and pot. When he does run his checking account out he calls and asks me to deposit money. I know exactly what the answers are-I have heard them 1000 times before. Right now, I don't see a way out.

Oct 12, 2015
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Your Heart Is In The Right Place
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Dan - You're concerned about hurting your family members, because that's not who you truly are, or how you want to be.

I strongly encourage you to learn about personal boundaries, which will help you find the necessary distance from which you can love your family members.

When relationships become hurtful, it's time to establish new boundaries that allow loving feelings to enter. Another way to make sure you succeed in this is by increasing your self love and self esteem. When you do that, you will choose to only be in relationships where there is ongoing mutual respect.

I firmly believe you will succeed in this, Dan. I can tell you're a good man, who wants to do the right thing.

My very best to you as you heal yourself and your relationships,

Dr. DeFoore

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