How Do I Help My Husband Who Won't Save Himself?

by Ana
(Michigan)

Light Is On The Horizon

My husband recently dropped a bombshell into my lap - he told me he had found out back in July that his doctor had indicated after his yearly physical that he thought my husband has lung cancer.

To say that news knocked the wind out of my sails is an understatement. But what I find hardest to deal with is the fact that not only did my husband wait almost 5 months to tell me, he's also refusing to return to the doctor to find out exactly what he's facing.

A lifetime of rejection and hurt from his parents and family have left him feeling unworthy of love, unable to love himself and therefore unable and unwilling to save his own life. He doesn't believe his own life is worth fighting for.

Every conversation about what is going on with his health now turns into arguments which result in more anger and hurt. I know I can't fight this battle for him or save him. Only he can do that. But I don't know how to make him see the man he really is, a man worthy of his own love, a man whose life is worth fighting for.

We haven't told our son, who's 11. I've told my husband he will have to be the one to tell our son, because it's his illness, his life and not my news to tell. And knowing my son, it will break his heart.

How do I get my husband to understand that he is so very much loved and needed and that he needs to find out more about what he's facing so that we can fight this battle together and maybe even win? How do I get him to understand that his life is worth saving?

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Nov 21, 2015
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There Are Some Things You Can Do
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Ana. As you said, you can't fight this disease for him. What you can do, is take charge of your own thoughts and emotions.

This isn't easy, and it might not even make sense to you, but if you can do it, it might just help. It will definitely help you, and the rest is up to your husband.

I know it's impossible not to worry about him. But what I suggest that you do is that every time you think of him or worry about him, picture that good, worthy man that you know him to be. Then picture him in your mind's eye, waking up to the love that is in his life, and making the decision to do the right thing for his health.

This is a kind of positive prayer, if you believe in prayer. When you do this type of visualization exercise, you are healing the image of your husband that you carry in your mind and heart. This will help you, and it could very well help him as well.

Stop trying to get him to do anything about his diagnosis or his health. That won't work. Just love him, appreciate him, and tell him as often as you can what you love and appreciate about him. Touch him in an affectionate way as much as you can, and make love with him.

In other words, Ana, I'm suggesting that you just love him as he is, and focus in your heart and mind on him getting better and making good choices.

I hope this helps.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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