Helping Myself

by Antwon J.
(California)

When I was a newborn, I was taken away from my birth mother due to her use of drugs and inability to care for me. Brought up in a foster home, I saw my real mother ever so often. Then in 1997 I was adopted by my foster mother. I must admit that it felt great to have a family to call my own, but something just didn't feel right.

In 1998, at the somber age of 8 years I was diagnosed with (ADHD), attention deficit hyper active disorder. I didn't really understand the significance of such an illness until I entered middle school. They call the course 'Special Ed'. I noticed nothing special about it. Kids would stare, rumors would fly around the school but no one was certain that I was in the class. I was always purposely late, or extremely early to evade teasing and other middle school brutalities.


High school was different, they no longer required me to take 'special courses', but the seeds of damage had already been done. One day, for no apparent reason, I felt as if I didn't belong. As if I was too insignificant to live. So I went to the kitchen, reached for a knife and put it to my throat.

I couldn't do it though. the doctor told me I suffer from depression. Maybe I do, but one thing lays constantly on my mind. What stopped me? I cry all the time, I sympathize with myself, then feel outraged and angry.

Often times I still feel lonely. I'm a young man of 18, I should be out doing something constructive, instead I stay at home and stare out the window. I relish rainy days, I feel that I connect with the dark thunderous clouds. I find that putting myself in a state of deep thought helps to ease my pain.

I guess my only real question to you all out there is, why do I feel this pain? Why?

I honestly don't know how long this is, how many paragraphs, how many sentences, all I know is that this came directly from my heart.

Thanks for your time.



Response from Dr. DeFoore

Thank you for sharing from so deep in your heart and soul, Antwon. The thing that kept you from killing yourself is that you were born for a reason. You have something to offer to the world, and a deep and wise part of you would not let you end your life so early. You are hurting because your early abandonment experience created a sense of not belonging and low self worth. The truth is that you have as much value as any other person on this planet, because your value is not determined by your childhood experience.

Here is an exercise that might be helpful to you:

Visualize the little boy that you once were, at the age when you were removed from your birth mother. Walk into that scene (in your imagination) as the young man you are today, with love and assurance in your heart. Go up to your birth mother, and reach out your arms and take the child (yourself as a child) from her, saying the words, "I'll take him now. He belongs with me." Then hold that child in your arms, love him and say to him, "You are my precious little boy. You are a wonderful part of me. I will never leave you." Then take him to a safe, healing place. Play with him and nurture him there, until he finally merges with your heart.

This exercise can help to heal the wound in your heart from losing the bond with your mother and not being able to effectively bond with anyone else. You are fine, and you can be the person you choose to be. Get some help, if you can. There is nothing wrong with you, yet you are wounded.

Believe in yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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