Angry To The Point Of Self-harm

by Marie
(Dublin)

I married a man who had 2 children. Their mother died when they were 4 and 6. They were 6 and 8 when I met them.

Their father tricked me into marriage. He told me he was a successful businessman and that he would give me everything in life I'd ever wanted, which to be brutally honest wasn't much. I just wanted a home and a family and I felt he was a gentleman.

How wrong I was. I fell in love with the children immediately which is why I couldn't entertain leaving them when I began to realize that their father was in fact up to his eyes in debt. We had to sell the house we lived in on the orders of the bank. Even after that, we were still almost a million euros in debt.

Furthermore, I began to learn that he was a man with zero work ethic. For the last 14 years I worked 7 days in a week trying to keep his business afloat. Sometimes I worked 2 jobs.

Every miserable hour I worked was to pay the bank. I hated his business and slowly I began to hate him. Trying to get him out of bed in the morning for work was a struggle I faced every day.

Over the years I have become angrier and angrier and less and less able to cope. I have attempted suicide once before in a state of complete stress. Last January I took a step in the right direction and secured my own job which I love. I refused to work his business anymore.

But now I face the reality that with him back at the helm, he will get me further into debt. Our 22 year old son is working with him and he isn't much better than his father. He has the potential to be a good worker, but he is becoming irresponsible, showing up for work looking hungover and not carrying his duties out responsibly. His father never reprimands him, which drives me crazy.

His father takes anti-depressants and sometimes drinks. I often come home in the middle of the day unexpectedly to find him sleeping or half drunk when he is supposed to be at work. He has no problem living off women.

His first wife was also a grafter but she died of cancer. I know that she used to shout and scream at him, she also made him crawl around the floor on his hands and knees. When he first told me this I was appalled but now I understand completely why she did it.

I have begun hitting him in my angry outbursts and tonight I threw a bottle at him which split his head open. I am devastated that I have become such an angry and out of control person. During tonight's outburst, he taped me on his phone.

Furthermore, years ago I discovered he was looking at bestiality videos. This is something I've struggled with. I am lucky in that I have a wonderful family who support me and know how difficult life has been since I married him.

I really want to leave him but it will mean leaving the home I now have. My family advise me that I will lose everything I ever worked for if I leave. The house we now live in was built from my blood, sweat and tears.

However, I cannot stay and watch the business I built up being run into the ground yet again. I feel I can't win no matter what I do. These anger outbursts are making me ill and are so bad that I scare myself.

I try to follow a healthy lifestyle, but this man is driving me insane, literally. Please help.