Always Willing To Grow

by Danielle
(Montana )

I am similar to an angry version of Dori, from the movie Finding Nemo. I forget more than I remember. I have a great attention to detail in some memories, and then years lost at the same time.

My husband goes to all my appointments because I can't answer half of the questions about myself. I had a traumatic childhood with a dad that wished I was a boy, a stepdad that was methed or coked out and a mom who was never there because she worked three jobs to support her 5 children.

I was the people pleaser until I snapped at 18 and ran away from home and got disowned. I married my first boyfriend and them hated him after year one. We were married 7 years. I shoved everything down so long that I just got tired of it one day.

I bottle everything up and then snap when the pressure cooker in my head explodes. I am happily married and have a family of my own now. I am going to doctors almost weekly and being tested/treated for ADD/ADHD with bipolar tendencies and sleep apnea. I have severe depression that I can't ever seem to shake for long.

I am doing everything I can to be better and to grow myself, but it's not enough. My husband gave me a real breakthrough today when he asked if I would consider putting our guns back in the safe. I was shocked, but can see his point.

I go from zero to 60 so fast and when I am there I see red. It's almost like when my anger gets ahold of me I am another person and all I want to do is hurt something or break something. That part of me scares me, and I'm afraid I won't always kick a door in or break something. I know I need help, and I'm looking for a place to start.

I’m afraid of losing and ruining the relationships that I cherish, because of my anger. So I’m hoping to improve myself in any way that I can, for myself and for those I love.

Thanks for hearing my story, although technically it's only the beginning. :)