29 Year Old Adult Son With Extreme Anger Issues

by DJ
(USA)

My son has always had problems with self control and anger management. As his mom I suspected he was ADHD from a very young age-2 years. I would bring up my concerns to his pediatrician, but it was dismissed as being an active toddler, then preschooler, then just being a boy.

He was given an IEP evaluation in 2nd grade and again in 6th grade. Both times he tested with no learning disabilities and no ADHD. As his mom, I was happy to find he was "normal", but intuitively I knew he was not. Finally at age 14 with a private psychiatric evaluation, he was diagnosed as ADHD with numerous red flags.

He was put on ritalin, his grades soared to honor roll, he was easier to be with until at age 16 he took himself off the meds. He said it made him dull. Life then resumed to bad grades, explosive behavior. When he entered his senior year, he decided to resume taking his meds
to be able to study and prepare himself for college. When he went to college he stopped the meds. He has gone to 3 colleges, yet no degree.

He has a hard time with the task at hand and following through. He has had 4 serious relationships, all ending with anger, he is very controlling with extreme rage at times. If things aren't done his way there is always a problem. He is father to a 3 year old daughter, relationship #3.

He has gone to counseling with all his girlfriends, been put on meds. Time would be good for awhile, till he went off meds, then anger, hostility, rage. Basically he is very difficult to get along with 50% of the time, with extreme explosive behavior. The other 50% he is awesome. But when he is bad, it gets really nasty.

Take Care Of Yourself First

I think he has gotten worse, and I am afraid he will hurt someone badly. He has said some terrible things to his girlfriends, such as he wanted to go find other women just for sex. He has been arrested for pot 3x's, at 19, 21, and 24 and has been on probation. He has a bad driving record which has affected his employment.

He is a body builder and I am not sure if he takes steroids? It seems as though he is wired with anxiety and frustration.

My husband and I have been happily married for 35 years, both of us are stable with good careers. We have a 33 year old daughter, who is college educated, successful, married with a 1 year old in California.

I do not know where his anger stems from or why, especially since we have an extremely peaceful household and always have. He is currently living with us since his breakup, hopefully temporary. I try to talk to him, but he will not listen. Is there any advice you can give me?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello DJ, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell that you love your son, and that you're very concerned about him.

It is time for you to let go of your son and his problems. The only way he will ever get better is if he takes total responsibility for his issues and gets help himself. You can't help him, except by doing the right thing for yourself.

First, it is absolutely essential that he moves out of your house. You need to shift your focus off his problems onto your own life. You can't help him, and any effort you make to do so will only add to his problems.

Let him go, and believe in him. Trust that he will eventually find his path to a better place. And let go, over and over.

This page on letting go of relationships and this one on tough love will help.

Talk to your husband about this, make this decision together with him.

The worst thing you can do to your son is to let him live in your home and be disrespectful to you. It sounds like you're more concerned about his problems than he is. That will never work.

Use these positive journaling exercises to shift your focus to the best in him and the best in your life.

You need to come first, then your marriage, then your son and the rest of your life.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Comments for 29 Year Old Adult Son With Extreme Anger Issues

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Nov 08, 2023
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To the author of "My parents are in danger..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello. I can only imagine how distressing this must be for you. Unfortunately, unless he breaks a law, there isn't much that you can do. Even then, your parents would have to be willing to take legal action.

If they do not stand up for themselves and set healthy boundaries, he can continue to abuse them.

I don't have much advice to offer, but I do highly recommend that you manage your own stress by seeing all of them at their highest and best in your mind's eye. Try to have faith in your parents and your brother to sort this out.

If you try to intervene, it could help, but it's also very likely to make things worse for them and you.

I wish you all the best in your difficult situation.

Dr. DeFoore

Oct 24, 2023
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My parents are in danger but are scared to send my 40yr old brother out on his own
by: Anonymous

My 40 year old brother is angry and out of control.I would like to help my parents.

My parents didn't have a thriving marriage and from a young age my brother was emotionally abused by my father. Now at the age of 40 my brother is blaming my parents for all of his hardships and for him being jobless, bankrupt and having nothing. Out of guilt and worried that my brother will take his life my parents continue to help and coddle my brother. He gets extremely angry, punches holes in walls, throws furniture and gets physical with my 74 year old father. My mother has dementia and it is an unstable environment. My father has called the police twice on my brother but when they arrive my dad gets scared that my brother will assault the police or take his own life.

I live 2 hours away from the situation. I am married with three children of my own, How can help? And what help can my parents get from professionals? I'm lost and scared. Thank you!

Mar 09, 2021
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To 'Shell Shocked'
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for sharing your story here.

Based on my experience, your son will probably not get better until he's on his own. By allowing him to stay in your home, abuse drugs and abuse you, you are actually adding to his problem.

I know this is difficult, and you love him. I'm just telling you what my experience (50 years as a professional counselor) tells me.

Knowing no more about your situation, I cannot guide you any further, but I'm sure you and your husband, perhaps in consultation with trusted friends, can come up with a plan by which you require him to move out and live on his own.

You can offer to support him financially for a limited period, (no more than 3 months, ideally), and after that he's on his own...no matter what.

I hope this helps. I wish you and your family all the best.

Dr. DeFoore

Jan 28, 2021
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25 Year Old With Explosive Rage - Pandemic Made It Worse
by: Shell-shocked

Thanks to all for sharing your stories.
Our son is 25 y/o with extreme anger issues. As a child, he was happy and well behaved. He never had a problem in school growing up and had a big circle of friends and good grades, even honor roll at times. His father and I have been married for 27 years and we have a daughter who is 23 y/o. She finished college recently and has a completely different outlook on life, thankfully.

Sadly our son, whom we have allowed to live in our home, use our car, and paid for his college tells us everything wrong with his life is 100% our fault. I'm sure we made some mistakes parenting, but we never abused him or even used corporal punishment. When his anger issues first surfaced at around 15, we had just had a very sudden death in the family and we felt our son's anger was due to grief, though he didn't want to see a counselor.

As the years have gone by, he's had several incidents where he punched holes in walls and would have screaming fits, but they would happen months and even years apart. Since he was 15, it maybe happened 5 times and never very extreme, like maybe he yelled and punched a wall which when he was younger we would make him pay for with allowance so he could learn that it was unacceptable. He did NOT learn.

These past few weeks, things have gotten really bad. This week our son was angry because he has no money as he quit his job a few months back to go to school but then quit school because he does not like college classes online. So now he's home most of the time, uses pot, and we have found opiate and benzo pills in his room which apparently he inhales.

He has never lived away from home except for 2 months when he had a job and lived with relatives. He likely flunked his online classes last semester. He also broke up with his girlfriend of two years about 3 weeks ago. Not to mention he's stuck at home due to the pandemic, and he normally is very social. This week twice, he has raged punched/kicked walls and doors and called us every awful name. We have asked/begged for him to get help and no luck so far.

He has many attributes, smart, can be sweet and funny, but his anger is out of control.

Sep 06, 2020
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My 30 Year Old Son Only Gets Angry At Girlfriends
by: Anonymous

My son has bad anger issues but only with girlfriends. He has always treated me and his father great. He’s a college graduate with a great job and lives on his own.

He has never had anger issues with his friends male or female. He doesn’t drink or use drugs. He was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. He’s had 4 serious relationships and they all ended because of his anger problems. They leave and he is heartbroken for months.

He has a new psychotherapist who he says is wonderful. She’s not textbook telling him that’s normal or standard things like the last 2 he saw. He’s very attractive but he doesn’t pay attention to that at all.

He’s is an amazing son, he treats me like gold. He always has. I just don’t understand his anger with girlfriends. Any advice?

Aug 02, 2019
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Same Thing, My Son Is 30
by: Anonymous

I am deeply concerned, as he threatens suicide all the time. He's my only "child" and he has a 6 year old. He's currently on Adderall, as he claims that helps him focus. I think he has a very bad mood disorder (along with ADHD since forever), and he admits he needs help. He's staying with me after 5 years of living on his own (he claims wasted his life, and he has nothing). He recently got a job not two months into coming to NY (that's progress), but now the issue is "no car, no job" and his credit sucks, I am in the middle, and it's nothing but rage and drama day in day out. I am on a medical leave without pay, awaiting SSDI, and I cannot afford to cosign any car for anyone. He's my son, I love him, and at least he acknowledges he needs help, but I am not happy he has brought me all this drama. I am learning manifesting, meditation, and how to destress, and he recently came with all his stuff from PA to NY to live in my"stupid couch" and he needs help. That's my next thing, to make sure he gets it. I am not letting him bring his world into mine....I am letting go, yet am able to keep an eye on him because he is near me now.

Bittersweet,

Love,
Mom

Apr 02, 2019
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How Can I Get Him To Take His Meds?
by: Anonymous

My son is 32 and this is almost as if I was reading about him! He ruins all his relationships with his anger. He is abusive to me and his sister.

He has attempted to take his own life 4 times. He has also taken himself off his meds as he says they make him feel numb and as if he is in a bubble of cotton wool.

He threw one of his rages this weekend at his 5 year old niece, he scared her, upset his sister, his 2 year old son, me and his nan.

I am at my wits end. I live 5 hours drive away. He has no one else in his life at all apart from those he upset this weekend. How can I get him to take his meds?

Sep 29, 2018
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To Suemarie
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Suemarie, and thanks for telling your story here.

You're on the right track, as hard as it is. It will help you along the way to think about all of your son's strengths and positive aspects, and trust him to find his own way in the world.

Love is letting go...it's not holding on, especially to an adult, regardless of his needs and his history with you.

Make up your mind to keep your mind focused on everything good and strong about him, and keep good boundaries so that you are no longer being hurt by him. You're not doing him any good by allowing him to hurt you.

I wish you all the best in your journey.

Dr. DeFoore

Sep 27, 2018
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42 yo Son with Autism/Alcoholism/Anger Issues
by: Suemarie

My son was diagnosed late, at 39, with Autism. He's always had problems and as a child I had him seen by doctors many time. He was diagnosed with ADHD, but a proper diagnosis of autism was never made.

He got into a fight when he was 19 and hit another young man in the head with numchucks and put him in the hospital. He was charged with a felony and sentenced and spent 5.5 years in prison. This made him much worse, of course.

My husband (his stepfather) and I put him in an apartment 3 years ago and he totally destroyed it with his rage and anger...busted the walls up, kicked the doors, etc. We moved him closer hoping it would help, but he's verbally abusive and demanding. The more we do for him the worse he gets.

I know we haven't handled things the right way, and I'm sure a lot of that is my guilt for not getting him the help he needed when he was young. But we're at the end of our rope now and I don't see things getting any better.

I've been seeing a therapist for my own sanity and advice on how to cope, but I feel like I'm just sitting and waiting for the volcano to erupt.

I feel for all the parents who are dealing with worse or similar issues. We love our children, but we have to save ourselves first. I'm 61 and my husband is 68, we don't have the strength or the health to be used and abused in this way. I just want to find some inner strength to say enough is enough.

Sep 24, 2018
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To the author of "Angry 40 Year Old..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for your comments.

Since your son lives on his own and is actually engaged in some meaningful activities for his benefit and advancement, I strongly suggest that you consider this approach:

1) Believe in him. Focus on his most positive qualities, his accomplishments and achievements. Trust him to find his way to healing and balance in his life.

2) Meanwhile, create healthy boundaries in your relationship with him to create emotional safety for you and your husband. You are not doing him any favors by allowing him to abuse you in any way.

3) Convey to him, through words and actions, that you are worthy of respect and kindness, and that you will accept nothing less.

4) If you are spiritually inclined, pray for him and let go. Then focus on his good qualities and on your own positive life experiences.

I hope this helps.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Sep 21, 2018
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Angry 40 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

Hi, I’m so glad I came across this page. I have a very angry 40 year old son.

He had what I consider to be a very privileged upbringing. He went to college paid for by us, but never graduated and right now is taking classes at a university via student loans. He just obtained a full time job after been a temporary worker for the last two years.

He seems to be very angry with his dad, telling him the last time they spoke that he has never told him "I love you" which is not true.

I have encouraged him on numerous occasions to get some therapy because he has complained of deep rages where he could hurt someone. He has not lived with us since college, but I still fear for him and have no idea what his rages are about.

My husband thinks he is just angry with himself because he has not lived up to his potential. Here he is 40 years old and has really not accomplished much by his estimation compared to his friends in high school.

He considers himself insane. I wish I could help him but don't know where to start.

Sep 18, 2018
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You Are Not Alone
by: Anonymous

My son is 21 and is an alcohlic. He has damaged this home that we rent. I am having a home built and fear what he is going to destroy it. My husband already went into cardiac arrest and survived it twice.

I dont know how much longer he's going to be around. This isn't going to end well for us. He is extremely violent and in a rage. I'm afraid he's going to hurt us.

Sep 16, 2018
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Son With Anger And Bipolar Disorder
by: Anonymous

My son is 26 years old. He was diagnosed with bipolar three years ago. He has attempted suicide 3 times and threatens suicide when things don't go his way. This is the worst thing I have gone through. At times I want to ignore him but fear if I do he will try to end his life and I will be to blame.

He fights with me and his two sisters over things that are small. He becomes angry and violent at times. He doesn't live with me because of this, but lives with another family member.

It's so hard to see him in times of rage because he is so caring and sweet at other times.

Aug 25, 2018
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Response to "We Can't Get Our Son to Leave"
by: Same story, different person

I have a 22 year old son who took marijuana in every form from the age of 16 (I think) on. He got tossed from college 3x for rage and was like a live wire.

He lived at home after that and nobody would believe what I put up with. His anger and rage were his ever-present companion. He then started becoming delusional.

My advice- You have to save yourself! My biggest mistake was letting myself be abused for so long. I was the one who took the brunt of his rage, but I didn't know how to get him out of my home.

He finally moved out on his own when I told him he couldn't smoke or drink and I stuck to my guns after he'd been in the mental hospital for his rage for the 4th or 5th time.

His life is a complete mess at this point. He's been out of our home for a little over a year. My husband and I have done everything to help him. He's off marijuana but I think he ruined his brain.

I have finally come to the realization that there is nothing more we can do for him. He has to do it on his own. He's currently living in a sober living home.

I've told my husband, if that doesn't work out, he's on his own. One thing for certain, he will never live in my home again.

Aug 21, 2018
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My Son Is 42 With Anger Issues
by: Anonymous

Adam has been angry since he was a teenager. His issue has only gotten worse. His wife of 21 years recently told him to move out of the house because he needs to get help. Everyone sees that he has a problem.

Adam is a Vet and my husband and I recently took him to the VA ER for a knee injury. I almost told the doctor to keep him for a psych eval; but I could not because he has 5 kids to feed.

Like everyone else has said, Adam can go from beau to blow in nothing flat! All of Adam's problems are because of someone or something else...not because of anything he has or hasn't done.

It breaks my heart as a mother to see his children cringe when he raises his voice. Adam's teenagers hide in their bedrooms to stay out of the line of fire. Adam's six-year old acts just like him. She copies his angry episodes and threatens to kill someone just like dad.

My husband and I are taking Adam to a psychiatrist next week for an "intervention." Adam wants to get help to save his marriage but he still doesn't understand why it is necessary.

I am hoping against all odds that Adam will come to the realization he has a problem during this visit. Because I know if he doesn't, it is time and money wasted.

Aug 15, 2018
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We Can't Get Our Son To Leave
by: Anonymous

I’ve been married 30 years, with a successful 25 year old daughter living far away. My 23 year old son used to be such a loving kid, lots of friends, good at every sport he played and at school...although he’s always had a short fuse.

He’s had an issue with marijuana for 3 or 4 years now...say what you will, it is an addiction...as is playing Xbox every waking moment. He’s just graduated university, which was an absolute struggle, and is back at home.

I’m ashamed to say, at this moment in time, I wouldn’t really care if I ever laid my eyes on him again. I wish him every bit of happiness there is, but just not with me. He’s ruining, or has ruined, our lives. It can be the smallest thing and he loses his actual mind, punching holes in walls and doors, spewing obscenities and vile names, says ‘we’ve made his mind mush.’

He’s fine as long as we never speak and say anything he doesn’t want to hear. I basically stay in my bedroom when my husband is out to avoid triggering him somehow. What a way to live.

He has not got one friend, not one. He rarely leaves the house. He threatens to take his own life whenever we argue. I say argue, it’s not an argument, it’s him going from zero to 100 in a nano-second, and me saying literally nothing.

We know he needs help....I’m not sure how to get it, if he won’t agree, and he won’t. We have had things escalate so he and my husband have physically ended up fighting. We have called the police on him once when we were afraid for him.

We want him to go, and to be honest, we’d rather pay for him somewhere else to live than have him live here, or walk away from our home and leave him here...even though I know that’s enabling. He will not go.

How exactly do you get this angry, volatile person to leave, against their will, without ending up with a destroyed house, and without calling the police? I keep hoping the lightbulb will come on and don’t want him to have a record if it does....I know that’s naive, but is that the only way?

I’m not actually sure that he wouldn’t break in and do something. I’m actually feeling very desperate at the moment and do not know where or who to turn to for help.

Feb 27, 2018
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My Son Is Angry & We're Afraid
by: Ben

Hi, I have the same problem with my son. He is 32 years old and he is sometimes out of control. He always finds something to start talking to me and my wife about, and he is talking very bad to us. He sometimes talks about killing himself.

He lives with us. He finished university last year, but I was thinking to move to another state and leave him alone. Now he is angrier and tries to make more problems. He is talking about leaving the house for him because when we die this house is for him, because he is my son.

Anyway, we are scared maybe one day he will do something bad to us or himself. I don't know what to do.

I want to help him but I don't know how before it’s too late. There is much more about him to tell. Please somebody tell me how we can help him.

Feb 26, 2018
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To the Author of "I'm Afraid For My Life"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for adding your comments here. If you think all of these stories have the same ending, you need to keep reading. Many parents have taken effective action to create safety in their home. This is done by removing the adult son from your home, and calling police in the case of any threats of violence, just as you would with a total stranger. I know this seems harsh, but it's not near as harsh as what your son is doing to you.

This is not hopeless. It is important that you do not give up and just live in fear.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Feb 26, 2018
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I'm Afraid For My Life
by: Anonymous

All of these stories have the same ending. That it just continues. My son since age 14 has also had extreme anger. He drinks before the legal drinking age of 21 (he doesn’t care about anything legal), and of course drinking adds fuel to that extreme anger.

He has come after me, but my husband interfered with that one because that time he was coming to hit me and my husband stopped him.

He is a drunk and calls me horrible names and tells me how much he hates us both but more me. I fear for my life as I know that in his extreme rage he’s going to kill me.

Jan 25, 2018
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Weird That We All Have The Same Story
by: Anonymous

I'm reading people's comments and I think, "Did I write that?" But I didn't. My son is the same - angry all the time, smoking marijuana non-stop and now he's delusional.

After spending time in the county mental hospital for the 5th time in a year because of acts of explosive anger, I told him he couldn't live in my house if he continued with the marijuana (which exacerbated his anger) and didn't take the prescribed meds.

When he was in the hospital, he assured me he would comply with everything and he pushed and pleaded with my husband and me to take him back, so we caved. While walking out of the hospital, he told me he was going to get an apartment and I assumed he meant so he could get back to his old ways (smoking and no meds).

When my son got back home, my husband and I stuck to our guns about the marijuana. My son also took the old meds he was on (not the meds prescribed at the hospital). Soon, though, he was pushing to get back to the marijuana, saying he'd smoke once a week. I told him, "absolutely not." Well, my son couldn't live with that so he found an apartment.

It was a relief so great - I could finally breathe again. But now he's getting worse and worse, living on his own. Now that I'm not around, he's finding everything and everyone else to be angry at. He's doing all sorts of nutty things. He's in a rage whenever he sees a happy couple because he says, "I can't get a relationship, so why should they have one?"

How am I supposed to respond when he's angry about something as ever-present as the sky is blue? He needs help but won't get it and all I can do is stand by and watch the car slowly going over the cliff. So, even though he's out of the home, I feel like I'm on ice skates.

It's a horrible way to live but I have to say, if I had to live with him again, I'd be the one going over the cliff.

Jan 07, 2018
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Hurt And Pressing Charges
by: Anonymous

I have a 32 year old son who is addicted to ice. He has been on an off this drug for 6 years. He now has a girlfriend and a 1 year old boy. His personality has changed so much he is like a different person.

He hasn’t worked for 6 years. He doesn’t have any intention of working. In the past 6 years there have been many acts of violence, such as yelling and throwing things. He has also fronted up to my husband and punched him in the jaw.

A few days ago he turned on me, physically punching me in the shoulder and pushing me out of the door. I now have a broken foot. I used to feel sorry for him but now I’ve got to the point that I’ve had enough.

I felt angry as I didn’t deserve this. Then a few days later I have the sadness (what could I have done that was so bad you want to hurt me.)

He wasn’t abused. I’m pressing charges now that he has physically assaulted me. It’s not something I want to do but a choice which I feel is now necessary. It’s hard to deal with the emotions this creates especially the shame.

Dec 03, 2017
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My 20 Year Old
by: Anonymous

I am just dealing with this same issue. I had to move my 20 year old out of my house. He too has anger issues. He is in SSI.

He has goals for his future. I just want him to succeed in life. I love him so much, I want nothing but the best.

Nov 14, 2017
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Please Update And If Better What Steps Helped
by: Heart Broken Mom

My son is 24 and sounds like what you're going through. He can't live with me.

He has a 3 week old son and 1 year old. He and his wife just split again. He blames everybody for this, except himself.

I want to commit him but no insurance. I just desperately want to get him help.

I'm just wondering what steps you other parents have taken, and if they work.

Nov 03, 2017
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37 Year Old Daughter - Update
by: DC

I thought I would take a moment to update. I posted on here back in May and, sadly, my daughter's problems and life style choices are not any better and my relationship with her has not been fixed.

I have stuck to my resolve and have distanced myself from her (it'll be a year in Dec). The pain of, effectively, losing a daughter is still there but we do now have peace in our home and we are financially better off (so much so that I am off on a two week trip to fulfil a dream I have had since I was a girl).

What I really want to say is that the response I received from Dr. DeFoore has often been referred back to and has helped with my resolve to distance myself and has been a great comfort. Thank you Dr. DeFoore - I am guessing you don't really know how helpful you have been.

Nov 03, 2017
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To The Author Of "Out of Control"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling us about your son here. Obviously, this is a much bigger problem than we can solve in this type of format...I'm glad you're getting family therapy. If it doesn't seem to be helping, I encourage you to shop around for another therapist.

I encourage you to read this article on Parenting Skills for the Angry Child, and follow the recommendations you find there.

Also, it will be very helpful if you stay out of the middle of the conflicts between your son and his father. That only complicates the situation, and puts your son into the conflict zone between you and your husband. Let the two of them sort things out on their own, as painful as that may be for you. There is no mother or wife in a father-son relationship, and they will have to work it out eventually, and the sooner the better.

I'm glad to know that he used to be happy. That is a positive foundation that hopefully he can build on.

Feel free to reach out here again for further support.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Nov 03, 2017
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Out Of Control
by: Anonymous

My son is 18 and out of control. He is a compulsive liar, has terrible anger issues and just causes so much drama.

We have a good family and careers and I don't know where all his anger comes from. His relationships with girls don't last, he has reckless behavior. He has such a big heart but then has another side where he is just out of control. There is no talking to him.

He can't seem to get along with anybody. We are going to family therapy but it's not working. In therapy he puts on a good front and then we leave and it's back to his old ways. I can't eat or sleep. I have a stressful job and have over 50 employees working under me. It's hard to focus on my career when I have all this going on with him.

I also have a 13 year old daughter that just loves him and this is ripping her apart too. My husband and him fight all the time and I am always in the middle. My fear is that he is going to kill himself and that is why I just can't kick him out. He says he is depressed too, and mentions suicide on social media. I don't know if it's for attention or it's for real.

I would never forgive myself if he was to take his own life. He was such a happy child I don't know what happened.

Oct 24, 2017
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21 Year Old Son Is Very Angry
by: Anonymous

Thank goodness for this site and Dr. DeFoore. Same story here. My 21 year old son is so very angry. He's also with a girl and they have a beautiful baby. I let them move in here, because I wanted to help. They were kicked out of my ex-husband's house.

They both work, don't clean, don't communicate with me, and I guess expect me to watch my grandson while they watch TV. They have a history of domestic violence. I had to call the police because of their yelling at each other. No arrests.

The 2nd police call came from my neighbors, when my son threw me into the kitchen counter. My son tried to allege that I attacked his girlfriend. That is such a lie. I evicted them. They left peacefully, but my son is very angry. He yells at his girlfriend. I suggested that she move home with her mom, but she won't. I am afraid for my grandson.

I suggested LEAP to him and he just calls me names. Well, c'est la vie.

Oct 17, 2017
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Update 7 Years Later
by: DJ (the original author of this post)

My sons anger issues are still there, nothing has changed. He does have a full time job and goes to work every day.

His children are now 10, 3 and 2. He recently became engaged to a lovely woman. Sadly, he was abusive to her and their relationship is over.

He is always on edge! His energy is difficult to be around. It is stressful being in his presence.

I feel badly his life is not happy. I believe he has emotional issues that were never addressed properly.

I am concerned about his abusive ways toward women. I believe he is remorseful after the fact, but continues to lose self control.

As a parent, it is never easy to let go, however we have to take care of ourselves first.

We will always love our children, but may not like them or their actions.

Oct 15, 2017
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I Evicted My 21 Year Old Son
by: Melanie

Thank you all for sharing your story. Mine is about the same. My son hates me. He's the child of divorce. His father nearly killed me, and eventually, my ex got custody. My other son, same father is totally different. I thank my stars that at least these boys help each other.

My son his wife and child moved in because of an issue my son had with his dad. The situation lasted 1 month, until he attacked me, and police were called twice to my home. I had to evict him.

A girlfriend of mine was murdered by her son, after he was let out of jail for DV against his mother. The night he left jail, he went and killed his mother. It hurts but I have to move on.

I pray my son will learn to manage his anger.

Aug 04, 2017
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To the author of "Should I Let Him Back In..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for your comment. Good for you for getting your son out of your house. Now, it's time to make it clear to him that he's on his own.

So, no...you're not wrong for not letting him back in if he gets put out of his apartment. Protect your younger children and yourself, and give him the chance to make it. It's completely up to him to do it, or not.

I also suggest that you cut off financial support, if you haven't already. Some young adults will not grow up and become responsible until they absolutely have to.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 02, 2017
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Should I Let Him Back In If He Doesn't Make It On His Own?
by: Anonymous

I have a 24 year old son, and I'm in the same boat. I found my son an apartment that he shares with a roommate, but I'm so afraid he will be put out because of his ways.

If he does get evicted, I will not allow him back in my home. I have a 14 year old son and a10 year old daughter who get so scared when my son goes off.

Would I be wrong if he get put out and I don't allow him back in?

Aug 02, 2017
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My 27 Year Old Autistic Son Is On His Own & Needs Help
by: Anonymous

Just sitting here reading all these stories with tears in my eyes after an emotional day with my son. My son was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 20.

He left home at age 19 and ever since, he has just been running around chaotic. He cannot hold down relationships due to his ways and anger issues, and also his choice of girlfriends.

He has been charged twice with threats to burn his ex-girlfriends’ houses down. He takes no responsibility for anything in his life.

I do feel he has been let down by professionals…if he had been diagnosed at an earlier age he may not be living as he is now. It makes me very sad to see him as he is. I am also very worried about his future.

I'm fearful he may end up in prison. I don't know where else to turn for help for him. I feel I’ve exhausted every avenue, and got nowhere to turn now.

Jun 27, 2017
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Same Boat As The Others Here
by: Anonymous

I am in the same boat as everyone here, struggling with my son and his anger. He hit me in the face on Saturday because I asked him to close the doors and windows (we live in Florida) and the ac was on.

He repeatedly left the patio door open until the last time i asked him to close it, and he punched me. I had him arrested. It was the second time he has done this.

He is in jail for domestic violence. I fear him coming out,and am thinking about moving house.

I have guilt about him being on the streets but I have to let him go. it was starting to affect my health.

Thank you all for sharing, it has made me feel less alone.

Jun 01, 2017
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To the author of "My Daughter Has Anger Outbursts..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for posting here. There is no such thing as a chemical outburst, so you can rule that out.

Medications only treat symptoms, not the cause of emotional problems. To get lasting improvement, your daughter would have to decide to get help, learn the underlying reasons for her anger, and go through a therapeutic process for healing her toxic emotional patterns.

This is only my opinion, and I encourage you to continue to search for answers elsewhere if this is not satisfactory to you.

I wish you and your daughter all the best,

Dr. DeFoore

Jun 01, 2017
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My Daughter Has Uncontrolled Anger Outbursts
by: Anonymous

I have a 32 year old daughter and her temper has grown increasingly worse with age. She is on Adderall and Lexapro but these meds do not help her right before menstrual time.

She needs help and no one knows how to help her. I try and ignore the anger because after several hours it goes away and she feels really guilty about her anger outburst.

Is this a chemical outburst, or where or what can we do? She is so much fun when we do not have all this anger.

Please, I am tired of money being a factor in helping these issues.

May 06, 2017
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To DC
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi DC - and thanks for telling your story here where others can benefit. Your thinking is clear and strong. You have come to the final stage, which is in many ways the most difficult...letting go.

Take Care Of Yourself First

I encourage you to learn about letting go of a relationship, and begin taking steps in that direction. Love is letting go...it's not holding on or trying to fix another person, even your own daughter.

You can do this, DC. Believe in yourself, and believe in your daughter, and let go.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

May 03, 2017
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37 Year Old Daughter With Anger And Drug Problems
by: DC

Wow - I have read these posts with tears in my eyes. My daughter is 37 now and it has always been a struggle. Nothing I do is ever good enough, remembered or appreciated.

She feels I let her down as a mother and that I push her away - yet I have done everything in my power to try to make her feel better and to improve her life. When she was 5, her father died and from that moment on, she disassociated herself from me and became angry. I have tried since then to seek professional help - without any result.

When she was a child I was told I was a good mum and she would level out as she got older. As an adult she convinces them that life is hard and she is reacting to these stresses. She is now addicted to amphetamine and smokes 'weed'. Her angry outbursts and failures to have any successful relationships or hold down a job are now at the worst they have ever been.

In the past, if I ignore her outbursts, she has calmed down and it has blown over. I have ignored her increasingly abusive and hurtful texts for 4 months and have stopped financially supporting her (as I realized I was funding her bad life choices).

She takes no responsibility for any of her problems and blames everyone around her. I now know that ignoring her isn't working this time but I don't want to fall back into our normal routine where I give in, do anything I can to keep her happy to prevent her anger and the hurt, and repeat again in a couple of months.

This is killing me, I love my daughter with all my heart. I hate seeing her so tortured and unhappy - I just don't know what to do. I am in the UK. Any advice that anyone can give, I will listen as I am desperate.

Apr 25, 2017
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32 Year Old Brat
by: Anonymous

Wow, I’ve been reading these stories and I'm not alone I see.

I don't even know my son anymore. He moved in with his dad and me to save for a house. But he's not saving.

He's had 2 DUI's and has had a blower on his truck for 4 years. His relationships dissolve due to drinking and his temper. And he tells me his mother to shut the F up.

Today I told him to get out. I won't put up with this disrespect from anyone. The way I see it if I wouldn't have a friend like him then he can just get out of my life.

Stay strong ladies! Stand your ground! God gave them to us for a while but time to put them back in his hands!

Mar 10, 2017
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Afraid To Live With 29 Year Old Twins
by: Donna

I sit here and cry because my 29 year old son is on the streets and I am afraid to let him back into my home. He obtained a bachelor’s degree, which I helped to pay for, and then he refused to pay his student loans which I am paying.

He refuses to join the military. He moved back in with me, but he refused to clean his room or bathroom and he became very angry and yelled at me. It made me very scared. He is disrespectful towards women.

He never pays his bills, can't keep a job, started smoking marijuana and possibly uses other drugs which have altered his brain. He lost his car which I helped him buy but which he refused to make the payments on because he refused to register it with the state.

Thank god he does not have kids. His twin was recently arrested for sexual assault. His twin has been in jail several times. Both want to now move back in with me. I don't trust either one of them and I fear both of them.

All I can do is cry because I do love them but tough love is painful. Yet, I would rather go through this pain and continue to live alone with one of them on the streets than deal with the other consequences.

This forum is nice because it helps me to see that I am not alone.

Mar 09, 2017
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My Angry 32 Year Old Son Won't Move On
by: Anonymous

I have a 32 year old son who moved back home (temporarily) 4 years ago. He brought his golden retriever who is deathly afraid of thunderstorms, and caused damage to our home, which my son promised to pay for, but still hasn't.

Anyway, he has anger issues, and drinks on occasion. He is very abusive towards his mother, verbally, not physically, but has been physically abusive to his father. His father is a good man, but has not been a good father to him, and my son resents this.

He contributes nothing to the household, nor does he help with chores. He was on medication for borderline Bipolar disorder, and he was fine then. He went off the meds about 6 months ago, and the anger and negativity and drinking started again.

We are ready to retire and want our own life. If he hates us so much, why doesn't he move on instead of making our lives miserable?

Mar 05, 2017
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My Son Will Never Live Here Again - Thanks!
by: Anonymous

Thank you for this forum. I was planning to work on re-uniting with my son who came over 2 nights ago and became aggressive and threatening when I told him he may not eat the cookie dough I just made.

I have been thinking that I did something wrong. I will do nothing! What a concept. It's so good that he doesn't live here--and believe me he never will.

Feb 20, 2017
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Response to Marcia
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Marcia

You are only responsible for your son's actions if he is a minor, and at 20 years of age, he's not a minor.

I know you may feel responsible, however, and that makes your situation very difficult. While you can't control or predict what will happen if you remove him from your home, you can't ignore the fact that things are getting worse while he is staying with you.

There is no guarantee that things will get better if he's on his own, but it's clear that they are not getting better while he's with you.

Trust yourself to make the right decision, and make it on the basis of what is right for you.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Feb 16, 2017
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Rage And Mental Illness
by: Marcia

If my son is in a rage and I know he has a personality disorder that could be dangerous to others outside my home, am I irresponsible for what he does if kick him out?

He's made my life miserable. When he goes into a rage, he frequently goes after me. I am fearful of him, but I am also fearful of what he might do to someone else.

I have tolerated way too much from him and now he thinks he can get away with threatening and physically abusive behavior.

Feb 16, 2017
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Trying To Control A Raging Tiger
by: Marcia

This is exactly like my son. Except, no, I think my son is worse. He is 20 and is raging all the time.

He's been kicked out of college 2x and recently he raged at the college therapist and threatened her, and now he's facing a third ouster. He is completely disrespectful to me and frequently goes after me.

He's addicted to marijuana, which makes matters much, much worse. Now he tells me he doesn't like to go to the university's library because he sees happy couples there and he has no one. I'm afraid he's going to start raging at some random couple.

He is so caught up in himself that he doesn't notice that he's ruined everything around him. I can't control him, and now I'm not speaking to members of my family because they're mad that I haven't done anything about the situation. But I've tried and tried and tried.

I'm completely depressed, feeling like I'm dangling from a rope over a cliff. I share your grief, and I believe the doctor is absolutely right. However, it is really difficult to take the steps necessary to get someone out of your home, especially when he has nowhere to go.

Feb 10, 2017
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Same Problems With 23 Yr Old Son
by: Anonymous

I too am looking for an answer how to help resolve my problem. My son had gone to prison due to fighting with an ex-girlfriend. His father died just this past year and I am alone trying to help him.

He is a full time student and no job. I struggle with all the household bills but want him to get an education so he may be self-supportive, if his explosive anger will not get him fired.

He wants no part of meds, he is a naturalist. I can't take much more of the stress and do not know where to turn myself.

Jan 12, 2017
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The Same With My 28 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

Hi there. I just to say that this is a good site.

I'm writing from the UK. I have a son, 28 years, unable to finish his final year at University. To begin with, my son has always had depression; he is unable to be social and is ultra-sensitive; he is also fixated on computer games and finds 'peace' by holing himself up continuously in his bedroom.

If I tell him (gently) that he needs to wash/clean out his room/ sort out his academic affairs, before I know it, he is in a temper and starts throwing things around. But over the Christmas period, things took a worse turn.

His father left for the States and just after midnight I noticed my son had left the house. At 12:50am he returned. I asked him where had he been, he said he wanted food and decided to go to the 24hr corner shop to buy chocolate. I told him he should have told me, especially in this area where we live, where crime is high.

Before I realized, he was angry, and said if I didn't stop, that he would hit me! I told him I'd call the Police if he did that, but he wasn't put off and just continued to threaten me. I'm still quite dizzy after all of this, as I've not experienced this before.

I worry for him and his future. But more importantly, my husband and I are at our wits end as to what to do. We don't want to drag in the law and he is not really interested in therapy.

Dec 27, 2016
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49 Year 0ld Daughter
by: Anonymous

She's a professional who lives about 400 miles from here. When we've been together, she's frequently raged for hours, and always blames us for her behaviors.

She's had long-term battles with friends, boyfriends, co-workers, and other relatives. She attributes her irrational behaviors to her upbringing, and says she's been diagnosed, by psychiatric professionals as suffering from PTSD. Looking back, it seems that about 5% of our interaction in her childhood was negative, but, obviously, she doesn't see it that way.

Our biggest concern is her 13-year-old daughter, who has had to "mother" her through her episodes. Watching your daughter (and mother) slap herself on the head, or pound her head into the wall is disturbing, to say the least.

Being with her generally turns into a negative encounter, full of her recriminations. No amount of reassurances of her value to us seems to break the hold her negative thoughts hold over her.

Dec 21, 2016
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Ditto - And Now He Has To Go!
by: Anonymous

Wow-I stumbled across this blog & every comment I can relate to!

My 24 yr old son is living back at home after a stent in jail. Not his 1st time in jail. He had nowhere to go so we let him come back home. Biggest mistake ever. We told him this would be temporary.

It’s been a vicious cycle of verbal abuse and manipulation all over again. We have told him he has to be out of our house in a few weeks.
And if we have to, we will get police to escort him. With no job, no license, and no vehicle, he will have a tough time. But he will have to figure it out.

I need my life back. Walking on egg shells is no fun!

Dec 21, 2016
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27 Year Old Son Is Lost
by: Anonymous

When my son was born, full term and healthy, he was the happiest baby I could imagine. He did not cry much - choosing to smile instead.

His father and I were older when he was born and already settled in our separate careers, but decided to divorce (peacefully) when he was 2. I naively thought that as long as I (we) loved him and showed it, life would work out fine. It did not happen.

Fast forward: my son has 4 warrants out for his arrest, is hopelessly addicted to anything that will alter his state of mind and beats his girlfriend. He cannot hold a job for more than 6 months (even though he has a BS degree in Finance) and has said horrible things that cannot be repeated.

He has lived on the streets for the past year because I could not be part of his life anymore-- but I could not bear his pitiful state any longer, and bought him a small house to call home. Nothing changed-he still acts as if he hates me. He beat his girlfriend yesterday (again). I am so lost and confused. How in the world did we end up here?

Thank all of you for your stories! It helps to know I am not alone.

Dec 14, 2016
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What To Do About Son Who Is Bipolar
by: Vee

Dear Sue, it seems like you are describing my son to the t. I called our local police department and they took my son to the psychiatric ward. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and they diagnosed him with bipolar paranoid schizophrenia.

They released him back to my care with medication, which he will not take. He is back again cussing and slamming doors, and he wants to fight anyone who goes near the restroom. Furthermore, he will not touch my home cooking and is very wasteful. He leaves lights on and even the water, after I ask him not to.

My son has done drugs and has also been to prison for evading arrest. When the cop tried to stop him, he made very poor decisions. He did get in a fight in jail and hit his head very hard. I wonder if this could have worsened his problems because of the head injury.

He was a very good boy when he was younger. He was involved in sports and was very sociable. Now he just hates everyone.

Please let me know if you find some kind of way to deal with your situation, as I feel like I will be dealing with this problem for the rest of my life. Best wishes, Vee.

Nov 24, 2016
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23 Year Old Son Has Moved Out & Back In 15 Times
by: Anonymous

My 23 year old son has moved back in again. This makes fifteen times since he moved out at eighteen. He tried job corp, army, and living on his own, but none of it has materialized to anything. He complains about everything 60% of the time and blame everyone around him for his down falls.

He refuses to maintain employment or take on the responsibility of caring for himself. I love him, so I allow him to move back in whenever he needs to, but I wish he would get his life together and move on as an adult.

I have younger children and lately I've notice jealousy from him. He has started bullying and being abusive toward them. My first instinct was to call the cops, but then I decided that it will be best for everyone if he just moves out right away.

But there is one problem…he doesn't have any money. Any advice anyone?

From Dr. DeFoore Letting your son live in your home and abuse his siblings is not love. Allowing him to move back in every time he fails is not love. Learn and practice tough love or things will just keep getting worse.

This isn't easy, but you can do it.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Nov 07, 2016
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Angry 23 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

My situation is the same in that my son can be extremely insightful and very mature at times but he also can be very angry and lashes out frequently.

I should explain a little of our background. When our son was 7 years old my husband was diagnosed with a progressive degenerative brain disease. There is no cure and he is losing all abilities to walk and talk. The progression is presently where he is the end stage of the illness.

When 1st diagnosed, my husband (self-employed) worked long hours and was in denial for the first 10 years. Our son feels he never really had his father. My husband loves him but showing emotion is difficult because he was never shown it as a child.

I probably overcompensated due to both his disease and emotional distancing. If anyone can offer suggestion or has had similar experience... please help!

Nov 07, 2016
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32 Yr Old Son With Numerous Issues Living At Home
by: Sue

It’s nice to know I’m not alone, My son is 32 yrs old has NEVER lived on his own, he makes my house feel like I’m living on pins and needles. It’s hard to explain him, he used to be a professional dancer model as a child, but he changed when he reached around 15 old.

He stopped doing any of those good things, and looked so sick and withdrawn. He finally admitted he had done every drug including ecstasy. That he even had seen people die in front of him. Also before this he used to take gymnastics, and he had an accident that he hit his head on one of the huge cables which sent him to the hospital with a severe concussion.

I say all this because I always wonder if this has contributed to what is wrong with him now. I hear about brain injuries from trauma, and the use of all the drugs when he was younger. Let me also say my husband did hit him as a child and he held so much anger for him, but to me now he seems to be better with that. Also he was on Ritalin as a child for many years, then stopped because he didn’t like how he felt.

My daily life with him…here is an example. If you walk in the kitchen and he’s in there cooking something, he freaks out and leaves, especially if it’s my husband or someone else. He always has the blinds and windows closed.

I’ll have my back door open where the laundry is and if he has to use the washer or dryer he closes the door. He NEVER opens his windows in his room even if it’s 90 degrees outside. He would rather run my A/C all day every day. When I say to regulate the temp at 78 he puts it at 74, and leaves fans and lights on all day.

Thank God he now has a full time job he goes to, but has to leave early in the morning. If you wake him up accidentally he starts cussing and slamming doors. We have a small home with one bathroom and the 3 of us have jobs that at times makes getting ready at the same time very challenging. If you are in the bathroom and he needs to get in there he freaks again, cussing and slamming things.

This morning I had to go to the bathroom. It was empty, and as soon as I went in there he came out of his room and starting cussing away and what did I do? I got out of the bathroom for him when I had to go, like an idiot. I always feel I have to stay calm before something bad happens.

I have so much to say - I could go on and on. I just don’t know what to do. I want him out, but I’m afraid if I threaten him, something bad would happen, although he has NEVER touched me. I’m on egg shells…please help!

Nov 06, 2016
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Alcoholic Abusive Son
by: Anonymous

My son is 30, has no relationship and he does drink excessively. I've rang the police many a time. All that they say is we can arrest him, which they did about 6 wks ago for one night, for smashing my lamp while in a drunken rage. He is on a caution.

He gets paid on a Friday, £300 approximately, but he doesn't pay me for any housekeeping. If he does, it’s only £20. Then he thinks it just pays for his food, and he can eat everything he sets his eyes on. Usually though, his money has all gone by Saturday night. 36 hrs and he’ spent it all.

That's what starts his anger off. He always takes it out on me, or my dog gets kicked or punched. I have tried kicking him out of my house, but he wouldn't manage on his own and ended up on the street.

But I can't take much more of this life with him. My husband said he’s moving out…its either him or our son. Please help me.

Nov 05, 2016
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To the author of "Why Does My Son Hate Me?"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello - and thanks for asking your question here. I encourage you to look at what you think you could have done differently as a mother, make peace with yourself about that, and let it go.

Then, consider that your son is an adult, and he is 100% responsible for his actions and his emotions. Find the distance from which you can love him, and protect yourself from his anger.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Nov 05, 2016
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Why Does My Son Hate Me?
by: Anonymous

My 31 year old son hates me. He is a single father with 2 kids from 2 different women. He said I was a horrible mother. The only thing I can think of is I made him go live with his dad when he was 15…could this be why he hates me?

Oct 25, 2016
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My 25 Yr Old Grandson Curses Me And Threatens To Hit Me
by: Anonymous

I'm 69 years old and work full time while my 25 year old grandson lies on my sofa watching tv and eating. If I ask him to do anything to help out he starts his raving.

He has had several jobs but ends up getting fired for always being late. He usually comes in between 2am and 5am and if I say anything about him waking me up he gets mad about that. He had a house key but lost it and if I'm not home when he comes in he will break in the back door where he broke the lock off.

I'm at my wit's end. What should I do?

From Dr. DeFoore

Tell him he has to move out. If he destroys any property in your home, call the police. Be prepared to see him go to jail. You are not doing him any favors by allowing him to abuse you and break the law without consequence.

My best to you in your difficult situation,

Dr. DeFoore

Oct 23, 2016
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No You're Not Being Selfish
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Lindsey -- You mention that your son is "unable" to accept responsibility for his actions. I want you to consider that he may in fact be able, but have a harder time than others.

It's important that you hold him in the highest possible regard in your mind and heart, as you let go and remove yourself from involvement in his dramas.

You're not being selfish, you're being smart and healthy...as difficult as it is. As his parents, it may be that your involvement in his dramas serves as enabling at times.

See the best in him, and let him go. Maybe you will be one of those success stories you are hoping to see!

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Oct 22, 2016
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Am I Being Selfish?
by: Lyndsey

My son is 28 and very similar. When things are going well for him, there is no one I would rather be around. He is lovely.

But when his life takes a turn, as it often does, he is unable to take responsibility for his actions, unable to see how he has contributed to the mess. His brothers love him dearly but they are embarrassed by his behaviour.

I too would be very encouraged to read of a success story. If anyone has, or has had a family member turn around their attitude I really need to read it!

My husband and I have just recently made the decision to let him be, to not engage with his dramas. Although, this makes me feel like I'm just sending him out to cause chaos and unhappiness to those around him.

Oct 14, 2016
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Would Like Some Ideas
by: Anonymous

I've read all the comments. I can relate to almost all of them. But I'd like the hear some actions taken or success stories that have worked or turned a child around, or stories of young adults functioning on their own with limited assistance from parent(s).

MS Parent

Sep 26, 2016
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Where Can My Son Go?
by: Anonymous

My son is 19 years old. He got accepted to seven colleges. He left home and stayed in a dorm. He got suspended from one college.

He came home and I tried to help him. I helped him get a therapist. I helped him get into a mentoring program. I helped him sign up for disability services from his new college. I had him sign up for DMH services.

His therapist stated he needed to be on medication but never referred him. I have called the police more than once on him. He is jumping into people faces trying to get into a fight. Exploding over the smallest thing.

I have a heart problem and can't keep dealing with this. He has to go, but where? I have no one who can take him.

He doesn't listen to people. He has so much potential,but is messing it all up. I also have a 14 year old and a 2 year old.

Sep 10, 2016
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Three Angry Young Adult Sons and Daughter
by: Anonymous

I have 3 children, ages 36, 34, and 34 (daughter and twin sons). Their bio dad left when the boys were 6 months old. I remarried a great guy when daughter was 4 and boys were 2. He adopted them.

We provided them with great home, church, school, everything. However, daughter got in drugs and we ended up with her kids for 2 years until her ex was able to take care of them. Sons with big, big anger issues starting in late teens.

One boy alcoholic and job-to-job, other in grad school but still angry with us. All have decided I was a narcissistic mother and the source of all their troubles. I have gone over every aspect of our lives, reviewed home videos, etc.

I was no perfect parent by far, but I don't think I deserve the constant cursing of me when they are angry at their personal situations. I receive constant phone calls littered with profanity over and over even when I give them money to get out of scrapes.

I am so very sad that they feel this way, and am so sorry that things have turned out this way. If I was narcissistic, I surely did not mean to be. God help us all, this is all so awful.

From Dr. DeFoore Please read the other posts, and my responses. You are still enabling your adult children by giving them money to "get out of scrapes." At some point, they need to be responsible for everything they do in life. Please read this page and the other comments, and make the decision to let these young adults go.

Sep 07, 2016
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I Finally Realize It's Time To Let Go
by: Daisy

Thank goodness I found this site. My 40 year old son has anger and drug issues and blames me for all of it. I have spent so much money bailing him out of his mess ups. But nothing changes.

I can't bear to look at him now and tonight I agreed to let him stay over because he's homeless again. Instead of gratitude of any sort I just get abuse and he rages so that I get too scared to speak.

He's leaving in the morning and after finding this site I know what I need to do now. LET HIM GO. We don't deserve this.

I wasn't a brilliant mother, his father walked out when a baby and I suffered with depression. But I've made up for it, explained it to him and tried to move on. He won't let me.

Every job he loses every crisis he has, is my fault. How long till he realizes the problem is him?

Sep 02, 2016
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Heart Broken In California
by: Anonymous

all these posts could have been written about my 36 year old son. My heart aches for all of you and my son too. His anger and abusive behaviour towards me started around age 12 and continues still. But my bigger concern is for my 5 year old grandson. My grandson’s mother left my son because of his anger and his being out of control.

Although I’m glad she didn’t take my grandson when she left I wonder how she can live with herself, leaving her don with a person with anger issues. The two of them are living with us and have been since January. My son bullies my grandson daily or screams and yells at him for the slightest things. When my grandson was 3 years old, my son bragged about bare-butt spanking him over not brushing his teeth.

I have tried to help, but my son's abusive behaviour towards my grandson accelerates. The only reason I haven't called the authorities is because I've personally been in the foster care system and don't see that as a good option for my grandson. My husband and I would gladly take over the responsibility for raising my grandson but my son would likely kill me or himself first.

When I talk about raising his son for him, he throws my being a terrible parent in my face and makes me feel inadequate, although I know I could do it and in a much more loving and compassionate way than he does.

I'm terrified my grandson will grow into a bully with anger issues too if something isn't done. Anyone have any suggestions? My heart is broken. My grandson is such a good and sweet little boy for now...

Aug 24, 2016
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To Serena - This May Be A Family Issue
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Serena

I've worked with adolescents and young adults for over 40 years, and I find that family therapy is always the best treatment. If you send him away I think that might actually make things worse. I encourage you to try to find an experienced family therapist that will work with your entire family.

The fact that his anger only shows up at home is a strong indication that this is indeed a family issue. It's not that your son doesn't have problems, he definitely does. The thing is, the family unit is the most powerful healing vehicle available to him.

I hope this helps.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 24, 2016
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My Son Is 18 And His Anger Is Destroying The Family
by: Serena

Like the other stories my son suffers with ADHD and anger issues. He was never given an IEP since he was so smart. However in High School his grades declined as the courses got harder and there was more stress.

Now he will start a community college, and he’s living at home. He has gone to many therapists over the years and they all say he is a great person, which he can be. He can be a loving and very giving person. Then explosions always just happen at home.

He will hold it together and release all the negative energy and anger at home. Is he too young to have him live on his own and say deal with life yourself.

We are currently looking to see if there is some place he can live and learn living skills with counseling to help his anger issues.

Could this be bipolar? Could this be all just anger? How does a child who is brought up in a loving, happy environment develop so much hate and anger?

Jul 18, 2016
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25 Year Old Just Out Of Army
by: Trish

My 25 year old is the same person described by all of the other posts. I don't know why he's so angry all the time.

His normal voice is really loud and when he talks my blood pressure rises. He just left the army last week after 6 years and my house is already loud and in turmoil. He has guns here and I have a 10 year old son in my house also. My husband of 15 years (his stepfather) and I told him we don't want these guns in our house. He flipped out and said he'll be moving out because of this. I doubt he will because he has no job.

He's also applying for a CCW (permit to carry a concealed weapon), and will probably get it. That scares me. I'm not against guns, but he is so impulsive. I think something really bad could happen.

Can a doctor prescribe something to calm his anger? How can I get him to see one? Can I contact someone to not allow his CCW to be approved? He already signed up for the Army Reserves though, and I don't know if being unapproved for a CCW will hinder his career in the Reserves.

Any advice is welcome.

Jul 17, 2016
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To the author of "My 24 Year Old..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. While I know you are amazed and baffled by your situation, it is unfortunately quite familiar to me as a counselor, and as the owner/manager of this site.

If you read the other comments and stories of parents here, you'll find basically the same story being told over and over.

The adult children are abusive and disrespectful and ungrateful, despite all of the generosity and sacrifice from the parent(s).

Why is this? Is it because all of these young adults are bad, or mentally ill? I don't think so.

No doubt, they do indeed have problems...but so do the parents.

When you do for someone what he can and should be doing for himself, he might just turn on you, as your son has. It's not the most attractive aspect of human behavior, but it exists.

While I can not predict the future, if I had to guess, I'd guess that your son will get worse until something happens so that he moves out and starts to live on his own.

This is your call, and no one can make it for you. When you allow someone to abuse you as he does, you're basically sending the unspoken message that you give him permission to abuse and use you. And, you're not doing him any favors by continuing to allow him to abuse his own father with impunity.

I wish you the very best as you move toward the best decision for you and your son.

Dr. DeFoore

Jul 15, 2016
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My 24 Year Old Is Abusive And Ungrateful
by: Anonymous

I have had my son alone since he was six. Things were great until he went to high school. By his second year he found weed and girls. He stopped trying in school and started running with the very wrong people.

And soon the anger started, he was smashing walls, breaking doors and throwing things around the house. After high school he wanted to move to California to become a rap star. In his first month there his best friend stole his computer and he was flat broke. In his second month he had wrecked his car and I had to go out there and rent him a small place to live. He never once tried to get a job.

I was close to retiring so I had no choice but to move out to California and support him. He still gets very angry and refers to me as a piece of crap, daily. He has punched me in the head so hard that I am sure it will take years off my life. Even with that I still tried to believe he could change.

I now work in Alaska and he lives at the house in California. He has filled it with 3 dogs, 3 cats and a bird. He pays nothing for their care and never cares for them. This past November he found a check for $45,000 from my bank and cashed it. It broke my heart to think that after all I have done for him, he would do that to me. I got the money back and did not throw him out.

But it is every day give me, give me, give me. He is filthy in the house and always unpleasant. My greatest fear is that he will do something crazy with the guns that he owns. He has been a great disappointment to me.

Recently my birthday passed and the kid could not even say happy birthday Dad, as I swept up the glass from the pictures he smashed.

Jul 06, 2016
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We Need To Support One Another
by: Anonymous

It really pains us so much to be parents of dysfunctional angry grown children. No one will know the hurt and anguish we endure, except another parent experiencing the same heartaches.

We blame ourselves too many times. We try to figure out what went wrong. We give unconditional love and support (emotional and financial), yet we are treated with hostility time after time.

It is my hope that this forum will give us a place to voice our concerns and to support one another.

Jul 04, 2016
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To "Oregon Rain"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm so glad you find the site to be helpful. You have made a very painful and difficult decision, but it sounds like it was the right one, under the circumstances you describe.

Keep the faith, and stay true to what you feel is right, good, and healthy.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jul 04, 2016
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My Son Seems To Hate Me
by: Oregon Rain

This site has helped me so much. My adult son, an alcohol abuser, blames me for everything. Never mentions good things, always negative. Very rude, hurtful, fault finding, on and on. I took it for 20 years and just recently told him I can't stand it anymore.

I know I have to let him go and pray he gets the help I was not able to give him. He's married but the marriage is in trouble. They have a new baby and I hoped that would soften him. I gave them a lot of financial help, physical help, and love. I was always there for them when they needed me. For what?

He remains abusive and angry toward me. He has problems at work and in other areas of his life due to this anger. He's very smart and talented but is killing himself with alcohol and cigarettes. My once sweet little boy is a monster now. I pray all the time and now I have found this site. Thank you!

Jun 20, 2016
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Eye Opening - From The Author Of This Story
by: Anonymous

First I want to say that I was researching anger issues with grown children when I came across this post. Upon reading it, I said "oh my gosh, this sounds like my son!"

As I read through the entire post. I realized it is my son! I had written this probably close to 6 years ago.

Update...not good! My son is now 34 years old. His daughter is now 9. He has an 18 month old daughter and a 5 month old son with a very caustic person. Their relationship has been turbulent. The woman who is mother to his 2 babies is a narcissist manipulator sociopath.

At this particular time he has separated from her and she is beyond angry that he has "abandoned her and her babies."

Their relationship is a cause for destruction and both are to blame. My son was staying with us for a couple of weeks till he became confrontational and accusing me of being disrespectful and being a bully. At that point I told him to leave my home. He said he had nowhere to go. I told him that he is 34, time to figure it out. I would not allow him to treat me with hostility.

I wish I could say his life is better from my last post. Unfortunately it has not improved and has gotten worse. Now there are 3 children. Both mothers of his children are dysfunctional. I honestly only wanted the very best for him, but at this point I know there is nothing more I can do. His choices are up to him. Love him.

Jun 10, 2016
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A Hard Pill to Swallow
by: Leslie

My goal was to help my 24 year old son get back on his feet after 4 years in the Navy. I wanted him to not have to worry about many of the burdens of life while he got through college and found a job.

As it turns out, the fits of anger and range occurred at least once a week. I couldn't ask him to help with anything. I doubted he even went to school. He didn't work and he was disrespectful.

After 2 yrs. I asked him to leave and he did...in a fit of rage. Once gone I realized how much I did for him and how much he didn't care. He also destroyed most of my home that I worked so hard for.

It was a hard pill to swallow letting him go, but I realize now, he didn't appreciate me or anything I did for him.

Jun 02, 2016
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Thank You For This Page!
by: Anonymous

Thank you for writing this! This is my 28 year old to a "T" except thank God he has no children. I agree with the answer....we have to let go and let them do what they're going to do. If it ends badly? It's not our fault, it's his. Good luck.

May 15, 2016
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In Pain Too
by: Ree

Sounds exactly like what we're going through. My nerves are always on edge. God bless all of us!

Apr 24, 2016
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You Are Not Alone
by: Mother in pain

This is so tough. It's very difficult to find counselors or support groups for this type of problem. I have kicked my son out twice and then he ends up on my doorstep...and I let him back in. Honestly after a couple of weeks I forget about the extent of abuse and destruction.

Apr 17, 2016
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Response to Jojo
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello Jojo - The problem you're having is that you are seeing your son as handicapped because of his problems. He is an adult, and as long as you see him as limited, he will stay angry and abusive, and will continue to fail.

The only chance he has to succeed is if you get him out of your home. Then it's up to him to make it or not. Believe in your son, and his ability to get his life together.

If he continues to make bad choices, there is unfortunately nothing you can do about that. He will most likely continue to decline as long as he is living with you.

It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to take the necessary action.

Read about tough love, and trust yourself to do the right thing.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Apr 17, 2016
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Angry 25 Year Old Son With No Driver's License
by: Jojo

I can relate to having a son that lives with you that's been in jail, that's been on drugs, that drinks, and is on probation for several more months. He has no driver’s license because it was taken away and he can't get one for several months.

His anger is intolerable. He yells, screams and cusses at us. We can't question him on anything or question him on something he's done at our house or else he goes into a rage.

My question is, what do you do when your child doesn't have a driver’s license or anywhere to go. How do you kick somebody out that's got no place to live and no way to get to work? We feel like prisoners in our own home.

Feb 16, 2016
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To the author of "27 Year Old Son Is Ruining..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello - You feel helpless, but you're not helpless. Since he is your wife's biological son, you need to run this past her, but it would appear that calling the police and reporting the violent threats would be your next best step.

Think of it this way...if a total stranger came into your home and did the things your step son is doing, what would you do? Obviously, you would call the police. By not doing the same regarding your step son, you are giving him an unrealistic picture of the real world.

I know this is harsh, but allowing him to live in your home and intimidate you and your wife is totally unacceptable. He needs to feel the bite of reality...what happens when an adult threatens violence toward another adult. This is a matter for public authorities.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Feb 15, 2016
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27 Year Old Son Is Ruining Our Lives
by: Anonymous

I have similar issues. My step son is extremely abusive to my wife calling her things I wouldn't care to repeat. 2 days ago he physically intimidated her to the point where she sat and cried in the bathroom. I had never seen her so upset.

She told him to leave and he hasn't. He walks around the house as if nothing has happened. If I intervene he will make it violent no matter how calm I am. I am completely lost and for the 1st time in my life I'm helpless.

Jan 27, 2016
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To the author of "Where Can He Go?"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for reaching out on this site.

You cannot afford to worry about where your son goes. He's threatening your life, and you need to take whatever action is necessary to get him out of your home and to protect yourself.

Read about tough love here. You have to take care of yourself. You cannot take care of him any more, and if you try, it will only make things worse.

If you don't respect yourself enough to create safe boundaries, how can you expect him to respect you?

Take action now. You can do this. Trust him to find his way, and let go.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jan 25, 2016
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Where Can He Go?
by: Anonymous

My son is 24 and I need him out of my home. He told me once that if he killed me no one would know. I am afraid but I don't show it. Is there a place he can go for help before something bad happens to me or someone else?

Jan 10, 2016
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Anger Issues With A Friend With Heart Problems
by: Brianna

Hello. I am writing to you about a friend of mine, who's 46 years old. His name is Mark. Mark has been angry since he was a little bit. But he has a heart problem.

I am trying to get to the bottom of this. But he shuts down every time. I know there's something else in there, but he will not tell me. In time, maybe.

He is also taking care of his Mom, who is blind. But I'm afraid his medicine is getting him more sick.

He's stubborn, and I think he knows more than he's telling.

Well, if anyone can help, I would appreciate it.

Dec 28, 2015
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To "Hurt Family"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for your comment on this site. You don't realize it, and you certainly didn't intend it, but you and the family have taught your son that his angry and violent behavior are acceptable. I say this because of your words, and I quote, "the family always dismisses or ignores his behavior."

The effect of that is to send him the message that you accept, or even condone his actions. Don't get me wrong...he's an adult, and he's 100% responsible for his behavior. But it's important to realize how this happened.

As for your actions going forward, I don't agree that you need to work on your relationship with him. You need to set boundaries. Learn more about setting boundaries here.

Put yourself and your need for emotional safety first. And make up your mind that you will not spend time with your son or anyone else who is disrespectful (and especially violent) toward you.

My best to you as you begin to take care of yourself in this relationship...

Dr. DeFoore

Dec 27, 2015
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Angry Violent Son Who Treats His Mother Horribly
by: Hurt Family

My son is 36 yrs. old. He was raised by me, his mom and a family that has always butted in. A mom that has spanked him when he was younger a few times for always being in trouble at school, yet, worked hard to provide a roof over his head and attend all sports practices and games.

It was suggested at one time by teachers that he was ADD. Throughout his years, he was diagnosed as ED by the high school, has been through multiple rages and temper tantrums, in trouble with the law, caught stealing, and living lies. There have been times that he has turned this family so upside down.

Yesterday, he twisted things and went into a yelling match towards me in the middle of a high class mall. I was and still am mortified 24 hours later. He did this in front of his grandparents, his new wife and her children.

He has been violently verbally abusive to me for many years, never got actually hit by him because I would duck or lock bedroom doors in total fear of him. He has done so many crazy things throughout the years.

The family always dismisses or ignores his behavior.

I am constantly stressing over this. I need to work on a relationship with him. This last stunt has caused me to be non-stop in tears. I threw up, had chest pains, severe knots in my stomach and watered BM.

He only does this to me.

Dec 13, 2015
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To "Mother In Pain"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello. I'm glad you told your story here. You're on the right track. Get yourself separated from him as you're planning to, and never let him live with you again. Visits are okay, as long as he is respectful to you.

You have to let go. He will either grow up or he won't, that's up to him. People live normal lives with those diagnoses, and he has no excuses, as far as I can tell from what you've written here.

You have to take care of yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Dec 11, 2015
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Mother In Pain
by: Anonymous

So happy to have found this post. I am a single parent of a 21 yr old who has destroyed almost everything. He punches holes in walls, tears up furniture, has demolished numerous electronics and now assaulting me physically and emotionally.

He dropped out of high school 4 yrs ago, and won't do anything except computer gaming. He is constantly stealing from me to support his gaming addiction. He will not follow any boundaries or rules.

I rent and have been told my owners to move out by the end of month. He has history of ADHD, bipolar and conduct disorder. He refuses counseling and usually won't take meds.

I am tired of my guilt and realize I have to move out without him. He has been given 2 months notice to get a job and or alternatives but is too lazy or passive to do anything.

He has hit me twice in the last3 weeks and I phones the police who won't do anything because they believe his lies. I am 56 and tired of the intimidation and abuse.

Nov 13, 2015
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27 Year Old Adult Dependant
by: Anonymous

Hi. I have a similar problem, although there has been a past history of drug abuse. I now can't seem to get my son to leave and he constantly loses jobs. He doesn't want to be around people and has issues trusting anyone - even me. What do I do? As a family we can't take the verbal abuse he dishes out. He has no friends and nowhere else to go.

Aug 14, 2015
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Legal Action re. 49 Year Old Brother
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello. Your best choice is to deal with your brother as you would any trespasser. Contact the local authorities and report him for trespassing. Sad, I know, but he's really left you no choice. Of course this would have to be your parents' decision, not yours.

My best to you and your family during this difficult time.

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 08, 2015
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49 Year Old Brother Who Is Violent
by: Anonymous

My parents let my brother and his wife and children move into their summerhouse. They have not had a place to live since Hurricane Sandy. They have bounced from place to place. They were in my parent’s primary residence then lived with a friend then his in-laws. Now they have moved into my parent’s summerhouse. They told my parents they would only be there for a few weeks and be out by the summer. They moved in March 2014 and have remained there ever since. They pay no rent, utilities, taxes, or insurance. They have made a total mess of the place. We took a ride out to get some of our stuff out of the house because my parents wanted some of their stuff that has meaning to them. When we saw what they did to the place my mother was horrified. My brother contacted us two days later to ask how the house looks. My mother simply said I feel displaced and why did you take our stuff and put it in the cellar. The cellar is very damp and not a place to put furniture or bedding or mattresses. My brother flipped out over that comment and told her to get a flipping lawyer if you ever want us out. He also stated she should come out there right now and end it. She is thinking of signing the house over to them. This way it is off her back. He can pay the bills etc. He is not stable and we fear he will become violent if confronted again and he also just purchased a gun. What can we do?

Aug 05, 2015
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I Was A Bad Parent & Now I Have An Angry Daughter
by: Anonymous

My daughter is 29 years old. I am not like many of the parents who raised their children right because I was a very bad parent. I have done everything I can to show my daughter that I am sorry about what I've done, I have done all that I know to do, but no matter what, when she gets angry with me, she yells and screams, calls me every name imaginable, and tonight she went off, packed her stuff up while tearing up my house (all on front of a 2 year old), and injured my hand so badly, I'm sure my thumb is broken. I just don't know what to do any more. She says it's my fault for messing her up, and its my fault if she goes back with a man who beats her. I just don't know when my responsibility for bad parenting ends, and her choices begin. I love my daughter and granddaughter, and have done everything I can to help her, but I cannot keep going through this. I have no more vacation hours to spare, days off work, money, credit, or mistreatment to give her. Why does that make me such a bad person?

Jul 16, 2015
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24 Year Old Son Violently Angry Living At Home
by: Anonymous

I have a 24 yr old son who cusses me and breaks things in my home. He won't get a job, says he can't handle the stress and it interferes with his music. He takes Adderall and Xanax smokes weed and cigarettes!

He was living in California with his girlfriend for about 3 yrs until she left him because she said he was abusive! Which I can believe. My mom and I have been supporting him through his music and he is so ungrateful and disrespectful to me. He curses me, calls me stupid, he steals from my credit cards, he makes messes in my brand new home which he is slowly destroying!

He has chipped my new hardwood floors because he broke all my vases having a temper tantrum! You just can't say anything to him when he is wrong or else he goes off on you!

He has me and his sister afraid of him! I don't have a male in the house to help me and I feel he takes advantage of that! I want him out of my house but I know he won't leave because he has nowwhere to go!

I don't want to call the police but that's the only way he will get out! I feel like a prisoner in my own home!

Jul 11, 2015
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Me Too
by: Anonymous

I've had a similar problem with my son. What has helped me is Alanon and books by Bradshaw, Melody Beattie, Harville Hendrix and the open dialogue and family systems therapy literature. Also I've heard good things about doctors of integrative medicine. It could be he needs to detox his body and get off wheat and dairy. My friend's son stopped having psychotic episodes when he did that. Probiotics too. Maybe he needs extra vitamins or amino acids. Sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with him so you could talk to him and give him feedback and hope for healing. The AA books and videos on Youtube have also been helpful to me.

Jun 12, 2015
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To The Author of "Finally Let Go..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Your comment is brilliant. Thank you so much for offering your story and insight into this challenging problem. I know many will benefit from reading your contribution.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jun 11, 2015
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Finally Let Go of my 31 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

When I read your post I could identify so closely with your situation and wanted to add a comment to hopefully guide you to a starting point out of this emotional paradox of confusion.

There comes a point that you have to make a decision that this is too much for you. Your state of mind has to replace the parental image of yourself to an independent person away from your adult child. When this mind shift happens you will be able to disconnect from your adult son, and make better decisions for yourself.

This may sound selfish, and I get that, but it truly isn't. Its putting things in proper perspective for the age appropriateness of your adult child and yourself.

Also keep in mind that any decision you make can be changed in any situation, especially when it comes to your adult child. You may think that keeping your commitments are important, and this is generally true, but in this situation your view of commitment has to be fluid. It is more important to change actions and thoughts to the appropriate moment than to think staying with your original commitment will 'teach' your adult child an important lesson, trust me it will not.

In my situation this change of mind and behavior has lead to my son not speaking to me for the last 9 months, but I'm really doing okay...no, I'm doing GREAT! I once in a while think of him and get a ping of sorrowful love, then I say a prayer for him. Yes it would be nice to have him in my life, but without him right now, I can go on with my day in a state of real peace.

Jun 03, 2015
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Hard to Think
by: Worried Mum

My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 12. I am a single mum and I have 3 children. He is 21 now, and very mean, lazy and abusive. He has stolen from all of us - really sentimental things that we valued.

He has physically hurt everyone by bullying and vicious intimidation. I am so tired. I just want him to go away. He is clever with words and insults, but has no compassion for anyone. He can be charming and has a lovely girlfriend. He is good looking and surprisingly get jobs easily. People always want to be good to him but that backfires as he is untrustworthy.

I feel for anyone going through this. It's pretty endless. I'm not sure what way is forward.

Feb 07, 2015
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An Answer To Your Question
by: Dr. DeFoore

This is to "Daddy." I'm glad you find these stories to be beneficial to you in dealing with your son. In answer to your question, you might want to just tell your son about the letters you've been reading, and see if he's interested. If not, leave it alone. If he is interested, then give him the web site link and don't bring it up to him again. If he's going to make good choices for himself, it will have to come from his own initiative.

I hope this helps, and I wish you and your family all the best.

Dr. DeFoore

Feb 06, 2015
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Thank You All For Your Letters
by: Daddy

I just found all of you. My wife and I are 56, and have two sons. As I read your letters I started to cry. This is my son they’re talking about. This has been a problem for 28 years. He is my oldest, 29 years old. This has been so hard all these years, on my wife and me and our 25 year old son. It has pulled us about. I've been working on this with my wife and younger son, and we are pulling together on this problem. Thank you all for your letters. I can see light now. I now only have one question. If I was to let my son read these letters, would he start taking his meds for ADD, or should I not show him the letters?

Dec 31, 2014
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My 26 Year Old Son Gets Explosive And So Does His Father
by: Anonymous

My 26 year old son has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is the most loving and kind son in the world, except when some petty thing, such as a piece of old plastic (that he somehow wanted to keep) gets tossed in the trash. Then he explodes.

He reminds me of a time when I threw out an old Grinch stuffed animal on him 10 years ago. He got so angry last night, I was petrified. His eyes turned black and he started cussing me out. He told me I should die. He slammed the door so hard it made a hole in the wall.

I thought he was going to whack me, and I was ready to call the police. If I tell my husband, he will not support me, because he talks to me the same way. Anyway, my son is 26 years old, so I told him if he doesn't like living at our home, he needs to move out and get his own place.

Then he goes on a tirade about how he doesn't have enough money, so I tell him to get a full time job. He is living at home paying no rent. I feel bad telling my son I don't want him at home, and that is really not it, but I am terrified of him when he gets into one of these temper rages.

Dec 29, 2014
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26 Year Old Brother Living With My Parents With Extreme Anger
by: Anonymous

I recently moved back in with my parents while going through a divorce. My younger brother still lives at home like a teenager. Yes, my parents indulge him and allow his drug use, drinking, friends in-and-out at all hours, and raging bouts of anger.

I had no idea how bad it was until I saw it first hand and everything you all have posted is sadly true.

My parents are in their mid to late 60's, retired, and they also care for my 90 yr old grandmother. This is supposed to be their time to relax, having worked hard their whole life. But it's filled with fear, stress, and sadness.

I want to help but I don't know how to. He is becoming more violent and erratic. My dad has some health issues and if push came to shove, he can not defend himself.

I'm not sure if he just has anger issues or has a mental illness. I don't know what to do. I know I need to help my parents but if they aren't willing to take a tough love stance, what can I do?

I'm afraid someone may get hurt. What should I do?

Dec 28, 2014
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My 32 Year Old Son
by: Helen

I'm so glad I came across this page. My son is an angry adult too. He also can be loving and good to be around, but mostly I can't stand to be around him.

It's almost to the point that (I have to force myself to be honest) I hate him. Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that. I love my son with all my being. But I hate the person he has become.

The anger he shows to me and his girlfriend is more than I can stand. He does not do this to his sister or father. I think it's because he knows that they would not put up with him treating them that way.

And it's not that I put up with it, because I tell him I won't. But he does it anyway. I don't know how to let him go. It kills me to have him this way. Sometimes I even wish he hadn't been born. Oh my God! Help me and him!

Dec 15, 2014
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How To Let Go
by: Dr. DeFoore

I know it's hard, but consider that love is letting go...and holding on is not love.

Read this article about letting go of a relationship.

Dec 14, 2014
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I also have a 29 year old son with Extreme Anger Issues
by: Anonymous

He's currently incarcerated. He can be the kindest most generous person you will ever meet but if something doesn't go the way he thinks it should...watch out!

He's had several people (women) take out protective orders against him. I myself have never been afraid of him harming me but I am ALWAYS afraid that someone is going to harm him...seriously harm him and it wouldn't be the first time.

He has been beat up to the point that one time he was not recognizable and was in the hospital for a long time. It was so painful going to visit him everyday when he didn't even recognize me. I love him but I need to let go. I just don't know how.

Nov 04, 2014
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Angry 42 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

My son is 42, married, with a 10 year old daughter. He is constantly 'tilting at windmills,' being unpleasant to work colleagues, neighbors, friends...anyone who annoys or thwarts him. It is embarrassing. I do not know how his wife copes. He shouts and even talks loudly. We are a loving family, although there have been problems at times--mostly alcohol related. This I am sure affected him in childhood. On the reverse side he is hard working and can be a lot of fun but he takes offense very quickly and there is no talking to him at times. His sister does not appear to have the same issues as he does.

Jul 24, 2014
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I feel the pain!
by: Anonymous

My son is 25 and I feel everyone's pain first hand. No diagnosis of ADHD but he is taking antidepressants. He also breaks down and cries because he knows his behavior is wrong. But he still remains angry at the world. I feel like a failure as a mother but I'm now receiving counseling myself, and see that I can't take the blame for another adult's action even if he is my flesh and blood. I love him enough to put up the boundaries. I think so, anyway...I'm just starting to do it now.

Dec 18, 2013
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ANGER AND MY 20 YEAR OLD ADHD SON
by: Anonymous

I can FEEL with these parents with the 29 year old son...sounds like mine.

My son is 20. Has had ADHD all his life it seems, been on and off his meds. He has been taking Adderol every morning, but says he hates it because he does not eat...anyway, that's not the real problem, the problem is his EXPLOSIVE ANGER issues. He could go days talking to us nicely. civil conversations, fun and pleasant, and then, BAM.. there are days he explodes if something didn't go right, if something is taking too long, anything. We tell him to calm down and he calls us names and uses the most horrible language you could hear. Calls his dad and I names, telling us "where to go" and throws or breaks stuff in his path to heighten the anger. He stays away for days and then calls us with remorse and apologizes and we are suppose to accept it and forget about it. His grandma cries for us to be nice to him because "he cant help it".

Well...call me non caring or a rotten mother. But his episode the other night did me in. He broke his grandpas siding by kicking it in after calling me some choice names because I told him he needed to get some help with his anger issues. I told him he is no longer to come by our house until he shows us respect. I am tired of the drama. He is a tornado. He makes my husband tear up when these episodes happen, making my husband feel he went wrong somewhere as he grew up. He blames everybody else for his short comings. I'm sick of it. I love him, but I do not like him and it is putting stress on my husband and I's relationship. He has lost his job due to smoking weed, he has totaled 2 cars, refuses to work for minimum wage, and has lost girlfriends and friends because of his anger. No one wants to be around him.

I have read all morning how these types of outbursts are from ADHD and that there is help. He has been to many doctors, and hates any kind of therapy, whether in a group or one on one. I want to tell him he gets help or else. I am worn down because of him. I am also not in the best health myself and my mother in law and husband expect me to forgive him for the 90th time..I say, I give respect so I deserve it and want it back and refuse to be a punching bag for him just because life dealt him this disease.

I feel hopeless with the situation.

From Dr. DeFoore

You are totally on track. You are not helping your son by allowing his destructive behavior -- on the contrary. When he is destructive and you do nothing, you're sending a message to him that his behavior is acceptable. Follow your instincts and put up the boundaries you need to keep yourself and your family safe. There are no guarantees, but it may be the best thing you can do for your son also.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Sep 24, 2012
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ANGRY ADULT SON
by: Anonymous

I am so happy that I came to this site. I am having the same problems with my 28 year old son. He has recently moved back home,because he was fired from his job.

I am sure that it was due to his explosive anger. He always starts his new jobs with enthusiasm,even joy. Then it happens, someone or something makes him really angry.

His credit is terrible, due to the fact that he doesn't think he needs to pay his bills. He lives at home, rent free, so that he can pay off his bad debts and stand on his own again.

He hates living with his father and me and he is barely civil to us. His father has had 2 very recent surgeries for cancer, and he is really not well.

I don't know why he hates us so much. I was a stay at home mom, and his dad, although not very demonstrative towards him,was always there for him.

After another arguement tonight(about paying his bills), I Have asked him to move out, and to get some counseling.

My son is highly intelligent,but emotionally weak.
I am broken hearted. I have been so loving and kind to him his whole life. I feel like I have failed him. Could I have spoiled him by being too kind?

I can no longer take his anger and hatred towards us. I have enough to deal with his dad being so sick. I guess I just have to "let go,let God",as my recently deceased mom used to say.

Jun 01, 2012
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HELP
by: Anonymous

I have a 38 yr. old daughter with the same problems. She has never been on medication.She has had 4 domestic violence charges in the last 15 years. Her sister has not spoken to her in a year, has lost most of her friends due to her anger and just got another assault charge after hitting the girlfriend of her 5 year old's father. I have been through 2 weeks of horrible texts and calls venting her anger at me. She has a 16 year old who moved out to live with a close friend and I have finally given up. I am now not going to speak to her. I guess it's called tough love.I don't know what else to do.

May 25, 2011
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Sad for you DJ
by: Anonymous

I have a 21 year old son and he sounds very much like your son. Several differences...he was raised by me alone and our household was not always calm; he was never diagnosed and has only once been on medication. Right now he is facing court for hitting his sister. This is the third time-once with a girlfriend, once with me and now his sister. Just this morning he was yelling at me telling me it is our fault...it is everyone's fault. I feel if he would just accept responsibilty for his behavior...then he could start to heal but that hasn't happened. I too love my son so much. I want so much for him to get some help and find his way. He is so smart and has so much talent. I think I am more vested in his life too but as a mom...how can I not be? I wish our local courts would understand these kids need some help along with their punishments. Good luck to you...I will pray for both our boys.

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