16 Years Of Anger & Attention Deficit

by Christian
(United States)

First I'm only sixteen. Well I say only like it's not a problem. Come to find out, it most definitely was my problem...I have anger & attention issues.

Let's start off by saying I grew up around without a father figure. I had four siblings, me being the third oldest. I have a brother and three sisters, all of which had different fathers, besides one sister. I and she have the same dad. The other two don't.

This is where it all began. I'm not going to sugar coat anything.

I was 9, and my mom would always have someone at the house. I grew up around various situations, from dads breaking in, to dads spray painting cars. Usually, it would be one of us kids’ dad. Never was it ever mine.

I have vivid memories of the arguing that would always occur. I would sit and tell my sisters that they’re going to be fine. My brother, being the oldest, would always tell me that everything would play out smoothly. I guess we were all trying to comfort each other.

I always wanted the arguing to stop. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Usually, I would either stay up and me and my brother would talk. We had bunk beds and I slept on the bottom.

I first started to notice my attention problems when I was in fourth grade. I would be engaged in whatever I was doing at the time, usually math, and then I would find myself dwelling on something else. I would be sketching on my agenda I had to get signed everyday by teachers and parents. Towards the end of class, I would realize I just wasted a whole class period doing nothing but drawing patterns. One full hour.

I noticed my anger issues in fifth grade. I would get suspended and sent to in-school suspension, left and right. I passed fifth grade though.

The summer before I started middle school (6th grade), I got bit in the face by a dog. I have crazy imagery when I think about it. The scar is on my left cheek. So, I started sixth grade off with a swollen face.

I was friends with everybody but I decided to take time away from them. I healed up and came back to school. Everybody missed me. Growing up, I've been called Scarface, Terrorist, Midget, and Retarded.

I've been in two fights. I totally blacked out in both and won. The first one is because the kid broke my wrist. On the bus. The second fight is because the kid was bullying me and I couldn't handle it anymore, so I hit him as soon as I saw him.

I've been around a lot. I started smoking marijuana when I turned 12. I couldn't handle the annoyance anymore. I'm 16 now and still smoke marijuana.

When I get really mad, I tend to hit things. I hit the glass in a microwave door before. Solid metal, wood, all types of concrete. I used to bang my head, until I figured out I could just punch. Less pain.

After I calm myself down, which takes about an hour, I realize that I just flipped out and did something I shouldn't have done.

I'm a sophomore, almost a junior. I seriously need to get my anger under control. My attention isn't as bad but I draw a lot in class, or I'll cover the worksheet with large scale drawings.