My Tantrum Towards My Boyfriend...I Don't Want To Hurt Him Any More

by Lia
(Malang, Indonesia)

Hi Dr. DeFoore.

I would like to heal myself from tantrum that I often throw towards my boyfriend. I am from Indonesia and my boyfriend is a German. We knew each other when he made final project in my university. Because of my study we decided to take LDR (but he kept visiting me) and waited until I graduate.


The graduation came and I have the chance to go to Germany. We lived together. The first 6 months was really ok for us. There was a bit of arguing but not a big one. But after this half year I started getting easily angry when he didn't pay attention to me. It happened until the 10th month when I was in Germany.

For example when he had bad days or a headache, I always wanted to make him feel better. But when it didn't work I felt so upset. I felt like I did something to him and he didn't even care about me. He would then realize that I started getting angry, and he asked me questions like why I was angry and was it because of him or because of the weather or etc.

When he asked me this question I felt like my brain is so stimulated to think negatively. It grew so big that I can't control my anger. At this point I felt like want to hurt him with my words and I always did.

This never happened to me before that I am so angry to someone and want to hurt them. I want to find out why I threw this Tantrum to him which hurt him a lot. Like saying I didn't love him anymore, I wanted to leave Germany, or just ignored him. I want to fix this!

I think to start managing anger I need to find out why it happened. I get some ideas like:

1. It is because of my childhood. My parents were strict to me. They hit me often when I didn't do what they want (to study, or if I played too much). After they hit me I felt much hatred towards them. Our relationship now go well, but every time I remembered it it hurts! And this is the way I've grown up
2. Our relationship is insecure. I feel worry how will it continue. Because It is difficult for me to arrange to come back again to Germany.
3. It was because we were separated for 2 years and I want to be with him all time.
4. I have been physically abused when I was 16. I cover this up from my family and my friends. But my boyfriend knows about this.

I can't say whether my anger is caused by one of these reasons, mixing of some, all, or maybe other reason.

He is a very special guy. I realize that I hurt him so much. We hope that our relationship keeps going, and I know first I have to heal myself. I desperately need help to manage my emotion.

Greetings from Indonesia, Lia




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Lia, and thanks for telling your story here. It sounds to me like you're a very bright woman, and you've put a lot of thought into your anger and its causes. I think that all of the causes you listed are significant, and I think I may be able to help you.

I suggest that you read and follow all of the recommendations on this FAQ page. Take this very seriously, Lia, and complete each step daily for at least 3 months. These tools will help you, if you use them.

You will find some help at FAQ #9 on how to let go of your parents emotionally. I also suggest that you read the following page about relationships: relationship advice.

You can do this, Lia. Make up your mind to become the good, healthy woman you are inside, and you will succeed.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore