Is It Worth It To Keep Going?

by Anonymous

I am a 20 year old student, my boyfriend is 23. We’ve been dating for 2 years this month. Our relationship is mostly good, and I know we both dearly love each other. But when it’s bad, it’s really bad.

Just recently we had one too many drinks and things came to a pinnacle. We argued and during that, he grabbed me by my throat more than once, and also grabbed me by my hair. It terrified me. I come from a past with an abusive father and even though I’m not living it anymore, those feelings resurfaced as if I still am.

I’m not blameless in the situation. I yelled and threw clothes all around, I was drunk, illogical, and kind of belligerent. In his own words, he was “subduing” me. And because we were drunk it’s that much harder to sort through the facts however I do know that the belligerence was a direct result to being fearful of him (in other words, it was after he had already grabbed my throat the first time).

He is a foot taller than me and 100 lbs heavier, so his stature alone is intimidating. Sometimes I feel when we argue he uses that to scare me into “acting right.”

I guess what I’m trying to get from this is, can you continue after something like this? Should you? Volatile words were exchanged, feelings were hurt, and trust was really broken. I love him but our relationship goes from beautiful to toxic fast enough to make your head spin. It leaves me feeling unstable, unlovable, and quite honestly fearful.

The saddest part is our 2 year anniversary is in a couple of weeks, and we’d been so excited to spend time together somewhere new. I really believe we’re both raw and heartbroken over the situation.