Feeling The Effects Of My Abuse After Six Years And It Scares Me

by Anonymous

I was in an emotionally and slightly physically abusive relationship when I was about 14 till about 16. I never really understood I was being abused until the end when I was in health class and we watched this video on abuse.

I watched the couple on the screen and it shocked me to see that the couple greatly reminded me of my own relationship, the video ended with the girl either being put in the hospital or dying. I knew my relationship wasn't to that point but it scared me enough to finally be done.

To be brief about the abuse I was slowly lured into isolation from my family and friends making me codependent on him alone. He insulted my friends and family and fed me his hate till I started agreeing with him.

At the time I prided myself in being easygoing and trusting, I ignored the comments he would make about if we ever broke up he would go after this girl or another…until he cheated on me with a good friend of mine, told me about it, then blamed me for it.

My abuser was also suicidal and used that to make me stay. He went from threatening to kill himself to stabbing and cutting himself and showing me the scars and cuts. If we got into an argument he would yank me by the arm and back me into corners.

When I tried to break it off for good I told my friends and asked them to please walk me to classes and not leave me alone. They laughed it off and didn't bother, which ended in me getting cornered and him forcing a kiss on me and yanking me out of my classroom. A teacher quickly intervened and asked if I wanted him sent to the office, but I said no out of fear.

I was thankfully able to be done with him for the most part. He made a small last ditch effort to drag me back in by telling me he found his dad’s gun, but I told him I didn't want to know.

Then a few years later he saw me at the store he worked at, and immediately started looking down every aisle till he found me.

When I left the relationship for good I gave myself time to cope and get over everything and I felt ok. I dated a few guys briefly and the relationships were fine. I had more of a backbone but nothing that made me think I was still having issues with my past.

I later got into another serious relationship, and like my ex, he cheated on me. I was determined to be done but he harassed me for months and I took him back, only to later on find out he had cheated again and then I was done.

In the time of that relationship I only had a few things that I really could see as an effect of my abusive ex. In previous relationships the most that would set me off were certain names or phrases my abusive ex would say.
In this new relationship it turned into a situation where I can't help but keep in almost constant contact. I went from independent to codependent, and it’s hard to go back. I became more jealous and wary of other women and most times I've found my jealousy spot on.

My temper also got shorter but I only had one instance in the relationship that it flared up. Moving on to my current relationship, the man I'm with is very sweet and caring, not a mean bone in his body. Most of the time we’re great, but honestly my reactions are much worse than they have ever been.

At times I would get extremely jealous if he would be with others (I thankfully quit that). I'm quick to anger, demanding, and at times controlling. I do not want to hurt him or this relationship but I need to know what to do to make it stop completely.

Why is this only happening now, why not before?