Broken Relationship That Has Become Violent

by Carly
(England)

When I was 15 years old, I met a boy online called 'Joe' we lived 170 miles away from each other. I told him i was 17, he said the same. His EX and I became friends, she had said she met him, they were previously together 8 months. Within a month of our relationship 'his' best friend, Charlotte, had messaged me saying that Joe was a girl. I confronted him and he denied it.

I thought she was just jealous that someone was getting more attention off him (she's a lesbian). A few weeks later he introduced me to his cousin Jodie, she was 16 just nearly turning 17, also a lesbian. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. About 5 and a half months into the relationship, his ex Melissa, messaged me telling me to add someone on MSN and ask him to come on webcam. I did this. It was the boy I had been told was Joe. Everything came together. Joe was infact Jodie.


After the situation cleared up, I decided to stay with her. I even went down to see her. A month later she cheated on me, this happened about 8 times that year, but I stayed for whatever reason.

In 2011 she moved up to be with me. This is when the abuse started. The first time she hit me, she was shocked. She said sorry and said she wouldn’t do it again. But she did, every time we argued. It completely brought me down, I was diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety, low-self esteem and low moods. This was down to the mental and physical abuse she was causing.

In 2012 we got our own place, this is where the abuse got worse. Before she had only hit me. But now it was worse. One day I had been ill, I was in bed all day, splitting headache, my eyes sore, I physically couldn’t move. But she told me I was fine & when I refused to move she tried to suffocate me with my pillow.

She punched me and strangled me that night. I feared for my life. No one knew about the abuse. Just me and her. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I felt so ashamed, I used to be such a strong, happy person. I never left the house without incredible make-up and not a hair out of place. Now I go out bare faced, hair on top of my head. Lifeless.

A few weeks ago 6th March 2013, we argued. She chucked a broken cup at me, this has done damage to my knee, but I refuse to seek help. She also punched my back for being 'cheeky'. The pain was so unbearable.

It is now 31st of March 2013, we have moved back into my dad’s house. She hit me today. Called me a fat b***h, in front of my little sister. I can’t just leave her, we go on holiday in 9 days. I do love her & she loves me (so she says). I need help, what do I do?



Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Carly, and thanks for telling your story here. I’m glad you are reaching out for help here. Your situation is likely to get worse, not better. That’s the way it always goes with abusive relationships.

You are firmly entrenched in the battered woman syndrome. Please read everything on that page, and follow all of the recommendations.

You say that she loves you. I assure you that this is not love. It is a form of relationship addiction. Your friend is very psychologically and emotionally sick, and this will escalate until the damage is even greater than it already is. Please do not let this happen to you.

You are all you’ve got here, Carly. Be a champion and a protector of Carly. You can do this. Put your own physical and emotional safety and well being first...nothing else will ever work in your relationships. Imagine the beautiful child that is you inside, and do this for her. She needs you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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