Why Apologizing Isn't Enough

Here's the deal...sometimes you might think that apologizing after you've hurt someone should make it all better. It doesn't. It might help, but only if it's followed with lasting behavior change.

You know, the whole "actions speak louder than words" really applies here. Empty apologies just won't cut it.

While it may be hard for some people to apologize, it's certainly easier to say the words, "I'm sorry" than it is to change your behavior and keep that change in place no matter what.

Here are some steps you can take to make the lasting changes:

• Be sure you've taken care of your own underlying emotional issues. The Nurturing Your Inner Child program is perfectly suited for this.


• Put yourself in the other person's shoes, and try to imagine how they felt when you did whatever you did. Express this to them, with statements like, "When I look at this from your viewpoint, I can see how you felt (hurt, scared, angry, disappointed, upset)."


• Take a look at your own personal history, and how your actions relate to that. Acknowledge the underlying issues behind your behavior, and make a commitment to work on those so that it doesn't happen again.


• Use these mental rehearsal techniques to plan how you're going to respond and behave differently in the future.


• Make your apology "stick." Don't actually apologize until you're ready to do the work on yourself to make sure the wrongdoing doesn't happen again.

Self awareness is key here. You have to know about your own shortcomings, triggers and areas of weakness to successfully apologize and change your behavior from that point forward.

If you don't know yourself, you really don't know what you're "bringing to the table" in a relationship. If you love that other person, you want to make sure you're offering them a good deal in the relationship.

You can see how self love and self-esteem fit in here...if you feel good about who and how you are, then you know you're offering something good and valuable to your partner.