January 15, 2020
Healing Anger Newsletter, Issue #141

(Archive issue from December, 2013)

Contents of this newsletter

• What's New on AngerManagementResource.com?
• Be Assertive Not Aggressive (Or Passive)
• Assertiveness Is Healthy Anger
• Healthy Anger And Your Health

Take a look at the diagram above. The "passive" arrow shows the thoughts and feelings staying inside your circle, no communication or action coming into the relationship. The "aggressive" arrow takes you into the other's circle...which is not your domain. The "assertive" arrow is where your thoughts and feelings are being expressed respectfully into the relationship, not as an intrusion on the other's personal domain.

You're at the center of your world, and you have every right and reason to claim your power and authority within your own thoughts, emotions and decisions. Let's look at how this works -- being assertive means saying (through words and actions):

• "This is who I am and what I want." You're not claiming to be right or that others are wrong, you're just being clear about who you are and what you want.


• "This is where I'm going and what I'm choosing." Know your direction and your desired outcomes...have a vision for what you want and be clear about it.


• "This is where you stop and I start." In other words, you know your personal boundaries and where you stand.


• Assertiveness is about standing up and speaking out for what you believe, feel and want -- not standing up to someone else -- but it is standing up for yourself.

When you're being assertive, you're claiming power within yourself and your domain, not power over other people. And that's a big difference.

Make "I" statements, and avoid analyzing, criticizing or advising the other person. This keeps you powerful in your domain, and prevents the mistake of crossing the other's personal boundaries.

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The diagram above emphasizes your sovereign domain, the sovereign domain of the other person, and the relationship. Your domain includes the relationship, but not the other person. Their domain includes the relationship, but not you.

The first step to becoming sovereign in your domain and creating healthy anger is the same as the first step to becoming assertive in communication...heal your emotional wounds and learn to love yourself.

Self love and good self esteem are the best possible motivations for standing up and speaking out on your own behalf. Then, when your anger is healthy, you can expect:

• Enthusiasm -- positive emotional energy making it easier for you to do what you choose to do.


• Determination -- the gritty gravel-in-the-gut feeling that nothing can stop you from reaching your goals.


• Self-discipline -- this is not a matter of pushing yourself to do the "right" things, it's a matter of being passionately focused on what you want and believe in.


• Focus and follow-through -- This is what just about everybody wants these days. Healthy anger and assertiveness will get you there!

Want to keep learning? Read Daniel Goleman's new book (he's the author of Emotional Intelligence) entitled:

This book will teach you everything you ever wanted to know about this important topic. Also learn more about assertiveness training, and how you can develop and practice these skills until they become second nature to you.

Listen to Dr. DeFoore speak about how you can make your anger and all of your emotions work for you instead of against you.

It is a matter of your health, by the way. Your mind, body and emotions are intimately connected, and if you're having anger, depression, and/or anxiety, you will definitely begin to have health problems, if you have not already. Don't let that happen to you!

The Healing Anger Newsletter brings you a refreshing, helpful and upbeat approach to anger management and how it can work for you in every aspect of your life. Here is your chance to keep up with my (Dr. DeFoore here) latest discoveries and insights on anger management and how you can heal the anger in yourself, your family, your school and your workplace.

If you like this ezine, please do a friend and me a big favor and "pay it forward" by forwarding it to them. If a friend did forward this to you and if you like what you read, please subscribe by visiting the Healing Anger Newsletter subscription page.

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P.S. Why not make the rest of your life the best of your life? You can get started right now with Elegant Aging: Growing Deeper, Stronger and Wiser.